David Everett Fisher

Absurd.

October 3, 2013 introspection

Another Birth Year in the Bank

I am 37 years old. A year went by faster than ever. Every year time plays cruel jokes on me; I wait forever for an hour to go by, and I wait seconds for birthdays to arrive. 

The trouble is I don’t want to age anymore. I’ve misspent my youth. I still think I’m a youth. I still say things like, “When I grow up…” I still laugh at penis jokes and when when people fall down. I still like comic books, Dungeons & Dragons and video games. A lot of the time I don’t want to be near 40. 

At the same time I think that I’m finally catching up to my age. I’m not the unruly kid I used to be. I like a simple life. I don’t want to be in the middle of shit anymore. I like the idea of soup and staying in on a Friday night. I love lying next to my girl and reading books. 

A lot of people didn’t meet me 20 years ago when I was crazy and feral. I couldn’t stay still, I was mean, I had to be the center of attention. I was so unsure of myself and couldn’t stand being alone. I fought, fucked and talked way too damn much. 

I’ve turned in my extrovert for an introvert. I actually need time alone to recharge my social batteries. I would rather read a book than try to not miss anything. I have been at a party and thought what would happen if I started reading a book while people started dancing to a song ironically. 

I have my momentary lapses of youthful energy and feel the angst and need for social acceptance, but I end the night usually with terrible exhaustion and owing someone an apology. 

It’s been a tough year. I had to move, my grandfather died, my mom is battling cancer again, the ever present depression, loneliness & isolation, a tumor in my balls and writers block. I’ve made bad decisions based on loneliness and hurt people. 

It’s also been a great year. I got to go to the Bay Area, Santa Cruz and Big Sur.My A’s are in the post season. I began a relationship with the most amazing beautiful woman I know. I can’t even even put into words how I feel about this woman. I had just given up on finding a partner. Just being in her presence gives me a feeling of peace and contentment. For the first time in my life I get to be 100% me and things are fine, and for the first time I can see a clear future without cynicism clouding it. 

I look forward to another year. I turn 20 years sober in February, I apply to grad school, I will write more and I will become an even better person.

3 to “Another Birth Year in the Bank”

  1. Terry O says...

    D.F. has my vote of confidence! At the same time recuerde que ‘poco a poco llega mucho’. Happy birthday. I guess being in love takes some of the snark out of snarkiness.

  2. geoffrey scott peschel says...

    old isn’t that bad. sour, now that’s something. stay sweet!

  3. Jon says...

    Happy birthday to the artist formally known as woodchuck, crazy Dave and many more. What a long strange trip it’s been. It’s hard to imagine sometimes that the missions from god are gone

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