I am 37 years old. A year went by faster than ever. Every year time plays cruel jokes on me; I wait forever for an hour to go by, and I wait seconds for birthdays to arrive.
The trouble is I don’t want to age anymore. I’ve misspent my youth. I still think I’m a youth. I still say things like, “When I grow up…” I still laugh at penis jokes and when when people fall down. I still like comic books, Dungeons & Dragons and video games. A lot of the time I don’t want to be near 40.
At the same time I think that I’m finally catching up to my age. I’m not the unruly kid I used to be. I like a simple life. I don’t want to be in the middle of shit anymore. I like the idea of soup and staying in on a Friday night. I love lying next to my girl and reading books.
A lot of people didn’t meet me 20 years ago when I was crazy and feral. I couldn’t stay still, I was mean, I had to be the center of attention. I was so unsure of myself and couldn’t stand being alone. I fought, fucked and talked way too damn much.
I’ve turned in my extrovert for an introvert. I actually need time alone to recharge my social batteries. I would rather read a book than try to not miss anything. I have been at a party and thought what would happen if I started reading a book while people started dancing to a song ironically.
I have my momentary lapses of youthful energy and feel the angst and need for social acceptance, but I end the night usually with terrible exhaustion and owing someone an apology.
It’s been a tough year. I had to move, my grandfather died, my mom is battling cancer again, the ever present depression, loneliness & isolation, a tumor in my balls and writers block. I’ve made bad decisions based on loneliness and hurt people.
It’s also been a great year. I got to go to the Bay Area, Santa Cruz and Big Sur.My A’s are in the post season. I began a relationship with the most amazing beautiful woman I know. I can’t even even put into words how I feel about this woman. I had just given up on finding a partner. Just being in her presence gives me a feeling of peace and contentment. For the first time in my life I get to be 100% me and things are fine, and for the first time I can see a clear future without cynicism clouding it.
I look forward to another year. I turn 20 years sober in February, I apply to grad school, I will write more and I will become an even better person.