I now have seven writing projects open on my computer and I keep switching screens between the seven wondering which one to work on. I just killed one of them because my research told me I was wrong. I got this novel I’ve been working on for awhile, but I keep thinking it is too confusing in written form and might need to switch back to the original graphic novel concept. I have three short stories that started out brilliantly and now I am in self-doubt that they’ll ever be good. I have the blog, but I just write and post – not time for regrets.
I keep having this situation where I am filled with good ideas and I don’t execute. I seriously need to scale down the focus to one or two things and start concentrating on those things instead of filling up my Evernote app with crazy projects.
Maybe it is the way I write. I still do the thing where I write until I can’t write anymore and then when I have more time write more. I then read what I’ve written and start editing, but during my editing I start second guessing the worth of what I have written. I have trashed pages and pages of stuff because I ended up hating it.
I don’t worry about what you might think about it. I really don’t care if you hate it or have some issues with what I publish. I am my biggest critic. I always end up hating my stuff.
The other issue I run into, which will not surprise anyone, is discipline. I have a hard time just writing and not checking the Internet for things to waste time on. Then I end up resenting the responsibilities I have in my life for getting in the way of creating masterpieces because I spent my free time watching Bill Laimbeer highlights on YouTube.
Truth be told, I just need to get over myself and do the work. I know this. I can’t let the little things in life be this big excuse for not doing what I love and what I am pretty sure I am supposed to do: create. I have long known that there isn’t such thing as a perfect situation for writing and that I can’t keep waiting for time, space and other factors to be in place to do the work.
It’s also been hard because I have a lot of half finished ideas that I can’t seem to finish what it could be. I have all these fragmented ideas that don’t add up to a full project. I spend that time right before I go to sleep thinking about ideas and I get fixated on one, but it is just that, thinking.
I miss collaborating with other people, but lately it seems like what I am trying to do and what other people are trying to do don’t jive. I am in a place where I have the best idea of what direction I want to go, but it is lonely. The other writers in my life are either in the poetry/spoken word world or in the essay/personal journalistic world. I am into writing fantasy and experimental fiction.
I also have been playing around with this graphic novel that I was going to make into a novel and now I want to do it as a graphic novel again project, but I have spent a long sabbatical from drawing, so the drawings are in poor shape. I can’t even look at other graphic novels because seeing the much better art saddens my art abilities and me. I fear that my ideas are way beyond my capabilities.
I’ll just keep trying. I know this is what I’m supposed to do. I can’t let my Fear keep me from doing what I love to do. I have made huge financial sacrifices to be in this position to do what I want to do. I know that someday this will pay off – not financially, but emotionally.
I have made some decisions to spend even more time at home to make sure I spend the time to do what I need to do. Socially I have never been less social than before, so I now know it’s okay to miss things. I don’t have to be going out every night instead of staying in and working of projects.
I may have to ask for help from some of you more creative types for insight and inspiration to keep me on the right path. I need this. I don’t want to just give up and become a salesperson or a realtor.
Today is the day I become Leonardo Da Vinci.