Meditation for March 17th, 2016
Everyone is Irish
Today is St. Patrick’s Day in America and everyone is proud of his or her Irish ancestry for a night. This pride comes in the form of drinking till you pass out and dressing up like a leprechaun, loving the Pogues and suddenly being violently into soccer and the Catholic Church. Basically it is the lost American getting to do two things at once: feeling a cultural heritage and being a bigot.
America is a melting pot of different cultures and nationalistic identities mixing together. If you were born and raised in Ireland, you would just be another boring Irish kid living with a lot of other Irish people learning Irish history about the place that is right under your feet. Here in America we are all relative newcomers if we aren’t native, so there is no anchor here, so we look back from where we come from and really pretend that matters.
Because Irish Americans have no connection to Ireland anymore other than maybe a last name or red hair, there is now a holiday where people pretend they know how to be Irish. Saint Patrick himself wasn’t even Irish, he was a Brit, and when they say he banished the “snakes” from Ireland, they mean pagans. So now frat dudes with backward Notre Dame hats chug Irish car bombs and then high five to the Pogues while sorority girls are dressed up like slutty leprechauns. Irish Pride!
The truth is it would be terrible to be Irish. Other than a few hundred years two centuries ago, Ireland has been fucked. Everyone is not just Irish, but English, Roman, Saxon, Viking and Norman. They almost had resurgence because the Irish weren’t very urban like the modern House of Pains songs would have you believe and survived a wave of the plague, but England came back. So basically, the Irish are easily invaded country bumpkins who can’t even farm, so let’s get drunk!
Now being Irish is Boston and her sport teams, Irish mobsters & Ben Affleck. That is why Irish-Americans have such a proud spot in their hearts for Whitey Bulger even though he ruined the Irish Mafia and was a snitch for the FBI, but keep loving your terrible people. It is sad to watch people grasp so hard for a cultural heritage that isn’t even real that was just made up by liquor and beer companies.
I am lying in my own puke,
I’m trying to hold on to this tree,
But it is just right out of reach.
My friends abandoned me hours ago,
And garbage trucks are beginning to do circles around the block,
The truck’s vibration is making me want to…
I’m Irish, motherfucker!
Where am I?
Why won’t this tree hold my hand?
I’m mostly English, Welsh & German,
But my great times eight grandma was part Irish, Cherokee and maybe part Duke Blue Devil.
I don’t know.
I went to Ireland back in college.
I went into the first pub I saw,
And I threw my arms out wide and yelled,
“Another Irish son is home!”
And the whole pub grumbled and ignored me the rest of the night.
I guess Irish American men come to Ireland every year looking for the root of their crushing alcoholism and never find it.
I got carrots and cabbage on my Celtic jersey.
Why am I head butting this tree?
If I can just get home safe,
I’ll never drink again.
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!
So the essence of saint paddy’s day is to act like a cartoon or stereotype of Ireland instead of having any kind of respect for the Irish culture. I decided to pick out some saints from other countries and come up with a holiday celebration for that country’s American children.
Saint Jean de Brebeuf Day
Another March celebration, but instead of green, the streets will be running in maple syrup and Canadian blended whiskey. I see Canadian bars serving fries and poutine with mayonnaise for dipping, flapjacks and lots of syrup. I see girls dressed up like slutty Mounties and dudes looking like lumberjacks singing lumberjack songs.
There won’t be any fighting because Canadians are overly polite, so you’ll be hearing a lot of “serry, eh.” when Labatt’s Blue Ribbons get bumped out of people’s hands.
Saint Willibrord Day
November 7th is a great day to fry up some eels, drink some ale and be Dutch! Get on those wooden clogs and get ready for slutty milkmaid outfits to come out, we’re gonna party Dutch style. Don’t forget to stop the Ocean from drowning your country so you plug a hole in the dike with a finger. Everyone should have a tulip in their hats!
Don’t be ready to whoop it up too much. The Dutch are a mash up of different ethnic groups who are too serious. But they do love a stoopenwafel.
Saint Nicholas of Flue
After Saint Patrick’s Day winds down, it is time to wind up your coo coo clocks for Saint Nicholas of Flue Day to celebrate Switzerland on the 21st! Watch as the girls start putting on slutty banker costumes and start hiding your conquered wealth deep in their mountains. Wear really great shoes and eat decadent chocolate as you also enjoy the wealth of others sitting in your vaults. Choose to speak French, German or Italian as you hide out in your neutral mountain home.
The bars will serve the best of all the surrounding countries cuisine. Don’t worry about fights on Flue Day because the Swiss are neutral, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t going to take advantage of you if you lose a fight.
Saint Patrick’s day is being prejudice towards Irish people. Pretending that you have any real life connection to Ireland isn’t truth. You should be busy appropriating other cultures as your own for your meditation practices. Maybe look into the spiritual practices of the ancient Druids who were driven out of their own land by the Catholics.
If it’s not okay for some cultures to be mocked, why should some be okay?