Meditation for March 1st, 2016
Negative Self Talk
A lot of people suffer from negative self-talk. They can’t seem to ease up on themselves about their difficulties with life. Professional and amateur psychologists alike fully believe that positive self-talk is the answer to counteract the negativity that some people tell themselves. The internet, walls of offices everywhere, and Pinterest are adorned with positive quotes and inspiring sayings just so people can remember to ignore that nagging destructive voice in the back of all our heads.
The thing is, negative thinking is what makes us strong while positive thinking is literally lying to ourselves. We can use negative thinking as a push to try better. We shouldn’t be easy on ourselves when we make mistakes because we don’t really learn something unless there is pain involved. We don’t get the inspiration to go to the gym from some hot girl in skin tight neon pink work out clothes saying, “Just try your best!” No, we get inspiration from looking at the mirror and seeing that fat stomach hanging over the belt line and losing our breath going up one flight of stairs.
Positive thinking is the magic that privileged people say in hopes that they can inspire people not privileged to be like them. You can’t be like those people, so you tell yourself you hate yourself and then angrily try to overcome that fault. When you see people on TV inspiring you to lose weight or make thousands of dollars, they already had good genetics or came from money, so unless you are already a person of value you will have to settle with what you already have.
Don’t tell yourself you are good enough because you aren’t. Don’t tell yourself you can do it because if you could you would have already done it. Give up believing that you can be inspired by anything positive, so keep up the negative self-talk until you actually try some sort of action in a new direction.
Whatever God is actually listening to me.
You probably don’t care about me at all,
because I’m a real dumb-dumb,
and should have been an abortion,
but here I am looking into the mirror,
and I really hate what I see.
Did you really want me to live like this?
I look like a Joe Pesci,
fell from space,
and landed on Jerry Lewis,
who then fucked Lisa Lampanelli,
(the fat one from before, not this skinny one touring Indian casinos now)
who gave birth to me.
Give me the strength to go to the gym.
Let me not notice all these hot people,
with perfect bodies,
secure in their bodies,
knowing what they are doing with all the equipment,
seems to have a great grasp on what movements to do with what weights,
having no problems taking 20 minutes drying off completely naked while they tell you about the new cabinets they got in his loft that is two blocks away and how he is going to have a new refrigerator delivered – and as he is saying all of this he is rubbing his towel up and down his leg which is up on the bench and his thingy (you know what I mean by thingy) is wiggling back and forth from the movement and I just noticed it is not circumcised, but I didn’t want to know that and he is droning on about his loft to whoever is listening as I try to get my shirt on and he just switched legs and I think his penis hole just winked at me…
Sorry God, but I am in need of some inspiration to keeping this up.
I don’t want to be a weak little Italio-Jew boar.
God or Goddess,
Got time to take a prayer?
I just unwittingly went off on someone.
My filter in my brain needed to be replace,
but I neglected to do what was necessary,
and now I regrettably said some hurtful things to someone.
I wish I could take them back,
but I wasn’t wrong either.
I keep thinking about what I should have said instead.
Either I think about going full tilt,
or just keeping my big stupid shitty mouth shut.
I have done years of work to keep my mouth from firing before thinking,
but I have reverted to my old self for one shining moment.
Just the Goddess Lady,
I really liked this girl,
so I got my courage up and walked up to her,
and asked her out,
and I stuttered,
I was sweating,
I couldn’t say my name right,
I tripped on my own shoe and fell face first into her Baja Fresh burrito,
inhaling deadly amount of cilantro,
sneezing cilantro green mucus on her chest,
before falling backwards and spilling her Diet Coke right on my crotch,
making me squeal like a pig on meth realizing that the bacon he is frying is his own mother,
before just walking into the bathroom to clean up and hoping she would be gone by the time I got back out,
but realized that I am now in the fast moving world of a Baja Fresh kitchen.
That is when I just ran and didn’t stop till I got home where I’ve been since too scared to go back out there again.
Here are some things that will help turn negativity into positivity.
Watch 72 hours of TV, only get up to go to the bathroom or answer the door to get the pizza. At the end of the 72 hours read one chapter of a book. You did something!
Spend a week complaining to everyone you see that you need to go to the gym. Really complain. Add in details of your body giving up on you. At the end of the week tell someone you think you’ll be able to get to the gym soon. You did it!
Eat out for all your meals. Eat really fatty salty fast food. Don’t pick any of the healthy sides or pick chicken over beef. Buy extra burgers and sides if you’re at Popeye’s. Eat really late at night if you live somewhere that has Jack in the Box. After a week of this, cook something for dinner. Yay! You’re accomplished!
Sit at the bar all day and night for a week. Drink yourself stupid. Call in sick to work so that you can keep up this alcoholic binge. On day seven stay sober and do your laundry. What a difference that makes!
Ignore politics. Just don’t even look at the memes on Facebook, read anything, research, ask the smart hippy lady why she is interested in the one person, don’t do anything that will make you know anything about anyone running to represent you in the government of you city, county, state or your country. Vote. You are so democratic!
Don’t gamble. You are so healthy!
Use the negativity you tell yourself to try and be a better person. You will never be good enough for yourself. We are our own worst critics, so use that constructive criticism to make us succeed. Those positive self-talking chumps are either already good enough through good breeding or through just having a lot of money or just by being a white Angelo Saxon heterosexual cis male in a first world nation. ON TOP OF THE WORLD, BABY!
Really beat yourself up for everything you do. Leave stick em notes all over your home saying what a giant piece of shit you are who’ll never do anything right. Put on some of those stick em notes your worse fears and how they will come true. Let all that fear and negativity lead you to human perfection – no matter who you are.
Except people from Seattle, you are just a waste of flesh and should just give up.