Meditation for March 2nd, 2016
Safe over Freedom
We live in a dangerous new time. Terrorists are attacking us and we are trying to find out their plans before they do again. People with guns are losing their minds and shooting up places for no real reason at all. We have a guy running for president who is being endorsed by the KKK and wants to not let anyone into the country. Our country is at the precipice of a cultural divide widening by the year thanks to the media and the new way we do politics: playing your emotions.
Do we want freedom or do we want to be safe? That is always the question when it comes to some of these tense issues. I say free. So lets meditate on what David Everett Fisher would do if he became president of the United States of America.
Open the border completely. The United States is the New Jerusalem; so let Her children come home. We have a bunch of wasted land in the middle of the country, so lets let them turn it into something useful instead of backdrops of movies taking place in the middle of last century or political ads for candidates lying about standing up for Main Street. We did a really good job with Indian Reservations and Japanese Internment Camps, so I think we have the bureaucracy to deal with millions of immigrants hoping for a new life.
Lets make it legal that everyone must carry a gun. Everyone. No age restrictions, no mental health checks, no criminal restrictions, newly arrived immigrants are allowed access and no background checks. I also will borrow a little from Obamacare and make sure that every American can afford a firearm. Of course people of means would want to protect themselves by buying more bigger and better guns. This would put some money back into the economy.
Instead of putting any money in trying to stop terrorists from attacking us, I would just sue the closest thing to their cause. If they were a Sunni Muslim, I would sue all the Sunni governments in the world. If they were Shi’a, then I would sue Iran, Syria and Lebanon. If it were an anti-government yokel, I would sue all the protestant churches and conservative talk show hosts. If it were a liberal eco-terrorist, I would sue Whole Foods and REI. This way the countries and companies would take responsibilities for what they create in their marketing and political rhetoric. We save on law enforcement money and if we win or settle, we get money!
I would tax the living ever shit out of gasoline. I would want it to be twenty dollars or more at the gas pumps. That will pay for the roads and other vehicle infrastructure so we don’t ever have a bridge fall down from shitty work.
I would ask for special votes from states if they ever decide on special laws to pass that has to do with women’s health to have only women vote on those laws. I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about when it comes to women’s bodies and the weird shit that needs to happen in there, so I sure as shit shouldn’t be voting or letting my legislation pass laws about them.
My vice president would be Beyoncé, because Beyoncé.
If a country was threatening our country with weapons, militarization, I would walk to the palace or whatever the leader of that country hung out in and challenge that leader to a duel. Yes I would slap gloves across the premier’s face. Yes it would be musket ball pistols. Yes I would win. Winner gets country. If the loser doesn’t die, he or she would join my cabinet – without pay, just humble gratitude.
Military would come home and be absorbed into the states’ National Guard.
I would give Texas and California back to Mexico. (One state to make the liberal cry babies happy and the other the grumpy old white people happy)
I would give squatter rights to any first nation Americans. If they show up to your door with boxes, it’s their house now.
I would change presidential elections to be no commercials, no debates or townhouse meetings, no YouTube channels or Facebook pages. Your name, pertinent information and a 1000 word description of why you would be a good president in the voting pamphlet that each state provides is all you would have to advertise yourself. It would allow non-rich citizens to run, takes the money situation away from having the most public exposure and takes away from ruining TV and social media for two years.
You guys all repeat after me:
please let David Everett Fisher be president.
Make signs about me running for president and put it on your lawn. Do it even if your state has already voted. If someone asks you why you are putting up a sign after the voting is all over, just say to make everyone feel regret. If the state hasn’t voted yet, then the sign will just make sense and people will just automatically vote for me.
I qualify the constitution requirements for running for prez:
I’m 35 +
I’m a US Citizen
I have never lived in a foreign land, so I can’t be corrupted
And I have hair
To be the president of the United States of America. I know, this is supposed to be a meditation for you to feel better about yourself, but sometimes it needs to be about me. Why can’t it be about me sometimes!?! Just quit your whining and sniveling and look around you for once? See? People. There are other people around you and they are just as important as you. Their problems are just as important as yours and they need a real spiritual person to become president.
DAVID EVERETT FISHER 16!
Together I can!