Meditation for January 24th, 2016
Astro-gliding into the New Year
Forget everything you ever pretended to know about the zodiac. Reading things about yourself and being congratulated on blanket traits bestowed upon you by the stars is fun! Making life decisions and finding a sense of self is hard. So sit back, relax, and give up trying to figure out your own life, ‘cause this year’s fixin’ to be super obvious to me.
Aries (March 21- April 20):
Aries tend toward independence and courage. This year, it would be wise to abandon all sense of belonging and get an apartment alone. Even if you own a home and have made a family, bring the bravery up a notch by isolating yourself from others completely. Other people are difficult to tolerate, Aries, and love is a made up religion invented by hallmark.
Taurus (April 21- May 21):
When you drive a Taurus, your senses are heightened. The interior is expertly crafted, the controls are a finger’s press away and the powertrain is impressively responsive. It’s designed to respect your comfort and respond to your needs.
Gemini (May 22- June 21):
Geminis are kind of all over the place with their personalities, and this year is no exception. It would be wise to check yourself into a hospital because every single existing Gemini will be experiencing temporary multiple personality disorder throughout the week Pluto aligns with Mercury. Just complain of chest pains and you shouldn’t have a problem getting a room in triage.
Scorpio (October 24- November 22):
Buy a bed from Ikea. They have a really great warrantee situation and really who needs a mattress for longer than 25 years?
Pisces (February 20- March 20):
You’re going to be needing to erase your sense of self entirely this year, Pices. Find a group of people and reset everything you love and hate to be in accordance with their singular worldview. If they are cruel or critical, get some thicker skin and join in. The only way to survive this year is through an entire acceptance of a blindly loyal wolfpack of Peter Pans.
Cancer (June 22- July 22):
This year will be exciting for you! You will learn that despite your deep connection with the ocean, you are human. You are not, in fact, a crab. The cool thing, Moonchildren, is that while people can’t actually get away with the excuse, “I just crawl into my shell sometimes,” or, “I just don’t remember stabbing you,”you can now have a real life! So get a job where you’re allowed to cry and have mood swings, or just scare someone into marrying you!
Virgo (August 22- September 23):
Finally everyone will listen to you, dear Virgo. You can sleep easy knowing that by the end of December, everyone in your life will have conformed to your abusively controlling behavior and you will have amassed an army of slaves. Congratulations. You’re finally getting what you’ve always wanted.
Sagittarius (November 23- December 22):
I really don’t know anything about saggitariuseses.
Libra (September 24- October 23):
Your expensive tastes for rare artifacts will be satiated if you work hard and lower your standards ever so slightly. Shoplifting is way easier than it seems. Hint- the Gap will never have you arrested. Practice at the mall and remember, heists are sexy. If you’re not willing to do crimes, just use your manipulation tactics to trick someone weak yet beautiful into committing to you for life. It doesn’t matter how much you hate them, as long as your friends remain impressed by their internet presence.
Leo (July 23- August 21):
One time, I was smoking a cigarette on my front porch and there was this guy that kind of looked like a cop walking around my neighbor’s yard with a dog. I figured I was probably being paranoid due to the german shepherd and the fact that I hate cops. I went to Safeway and got lost in their incredible selection of Lay-Z-Boys for like two hours and when I got back home, there were a bunch of guys in hazmat suits in front of my neighbor’s house. Turned out it was a meth lab. Just goes to show you never really know what’s going on nextdoor.
Capricorn (December 23- January 20):
Capricorn! You are going to win the lottery this year, so spend every dollar you make on Powerball tickets. If you run out of money, get on some crowdfunding website and say you have a fatal illness. I’m pretty sure they don’t fact check those things and I’m going to need a hundred dollars in September.
Aquarius (January 21- February 19):
Make sure you tell everyone about every moon phase that happens this year, Aquarius. Make sure everyone around you knows deep in their heart that they don’t know how to take care of themselves, and don’t be afraid to flagrantly throw around unsolicited advice, because anyone who doesn’t know that you’re always right, doesn’t matter. By the time you’re done with your yoga instructor training, you will be treating all your friends’ kids’ illnesses with chiropractic herbalism while you wax on about holistic lifestyles being the most humble of lifestyles because earth and the woods and stuff.
Nicole Rizzo is a seer with incredible knowledge of the stars & planets. She was raised in Rhode Island & Massachusets where young women are encouraged to practice witchcraft. Nicole got a Science degree at a prestigious fancy-pizza-university. She now resides in Portland, Oregon reading tarot cards & forcing others to her singing Rush songs.