Meditation for September 27th, 2016
Coffee Drink Stereotypes
People come in to coffee shops and get the same thing everyday while other people never get the same thing twice searching for the perfect cup of sugar shit. What does a coffee drink say about a person?
Coffee
Strong choice. Utilizing what the angels have made for man to see the morning through. If taken black, the pure magical properties of the berry Queen of Sheba gifted to King Solomon to buy his love. It worked.
-coffee with cream and sugar
A person who is simple but wishes they could be decedent. Usually a fan of the Olive Garden and new country. Selfish. Usually stands in front of the coffee bar for ten to twenty minutes fixing up the coffee.
-coffee with sugar
A boring person who thinks sugar will spice up their boring pathetic life. They will try and pronounce all foreign words like croissant as they think it is pronounced in the original language it is in.
-coffee with soy
Savage who will stop at nothing to take down the patriarchy.
-coffee with almond milk
Sole purpose in life is to destroy California by dehydrating it to death.
-coffee with hemp
Introvert who drinks Coronas alone while listening to Jimmy Buffet.
Mocha
This is a drink popular with men who have no idea that coffee tastes better and has a lot more caffeine. These men walk into a coffee shop with no strong identity,nor does their personality shimmer. They are empty inside. They thirst for a feeling, any feelings, but just doesn’t have any sparks except if there is signs of a change in weather. “Heard it might rain.” They walk in and see the word mocha on the menu and the word screams danger, exotic, and a possible sugar/caffeine high. They walk away with nothing but a chocolate covered emptiness.
Latte
The famous drink from the Austrian coffee houses where Hitler met shame as a failed artist. Now it is the drink of choice of women who want to experience luxury for around $4.
-vanilla
Why do you think vanilla mean boring and white? Because it is.
-hazelnut
This is for vanilla people who have serious anger problems, and maybe have killed a puppy.
-almond
This is the flavor for a mouth breather who is absolutely in love with the Price is Right. The Drew Carey version, not the Bob Barker ones.
-cardamom
This exciting flavor is something for lonely cat lovers to feel wild and out of control.
-sugar free flavors
Unhealthy people with borderline personality who is trying to trick someone into marrying them so they can seem normal. They’ve been married before.
-caramel
Alcoholics.
-pumpkin spice
Like the McRib, which is a hot steaming piece of shit in a hoagie, the pumpkin spice is a seasonal phenomenon that brings out the worse in American culture. This is the reason Trump will be president. This is the reason Fox News is taken seriously and this is the reason America is getting dumber and dumber and being proud of it.
Other sweet syrups
Just go to a drive through where the girl is ina bikini and they are called a coffee shop and don’t have coffee, just shitty espresso.
Cappuccino
Ooooh, did you just get back from Italy? Do “they” all drink cappuccinos in the afternoon? Do you feel more “European” when you sip a foamy hot cup of milk and coffee? Well, you are just a fat dumb American. Bellisimo!
Macchiato
You fucking hipster.
Carmel Macchiato
You are an idiot who thinks Black Lives Matter is a terrorist organization perpetrated by Barack Obama to further the racial divide in America so that the white culture is finally destroyed and taken over by ISIS and fall under Sharia law by the new Caliphate that Obama helped put into place in Syria. Also you won’t have guns.
Espresso
This is for the world traveler with discerning tastes.
Americano
To understand the person who picks the americano, one must know the history of the americano. When the Americans marched into Europe bringing freedom and liberty everywhere they went during World War II, they wanted coffee but the Italians and the French drank espresso, so they would put hot water in the cup so that it would act like a coffee. When the GIs came home from Europe and were greatly disappointed in the coffee and the American coffee companies had to start roasting darker roasts like the “French” and “Italian” roasts. Now the americano is for people that like hot coffee that tastes fresh. Hipster lights (the married 30 somethings that just moved to Portland), busy professionals, and seagulls prefer this drink because it tastes like dead Nazis and freedom
Sizes
8oz
Taste is in the smaller sizes. You like the coffee flavor strong and the milk to be the accent not the main entree.
12oz
Average. Just a fucking average person.
16oz
Have you ever pictured 16 ounces of hot milk going into the stomach and then all the things that happens after that? 16oz is for gambling addicts and gym rats.
20oz and up
C’mon you fat selfish fuck, do you really need that much? It takes about three to four shots of espresso to match a 12oz cup of coffee, so this is a complete waste of resources.
Venti means 20 of something in Italian. When you go to Starbucks and order a venti pumpkin spice latte, the. You are asking for 20 pumpkin spice lattes.
Does that mean using the word venti for the wrong meaning racist?
Iced
Iced is for addicts. I don’t mean the cute coffee addict, I mean selling the baby and a cheeseburger for a little taste of rock. You are literally trying to never breathe an sober breath in your life because of how much you despise yourself.
Definitely one of my favorite blogs by you, hilarious.