Written by professional witch Nicole Rizzo
3 Healing Crystals You Probably Don’t Know About and How to Use Them
Hello again. *digital bow* I join you this week to help you sink deeper into your healing rituals with three new crystals you probably haven’t ever even heard of. If you’re anything like me, you spend about 90% of your time healing yourself. This can leave very little time for much else, so in today’s edition of Cracked Pot Medications (LLC) I will be enlightening you on the subject of integrating extremely rare crystals into your mindbodychakra first aide kit.
Clear Quartz: The rarest of all healing crystals, clear quartz has sage-like cleansing qualities that can, nay, must be used at all times to keep your aura clear of any and all negativity. Many monks perform elaborate deep-woods rituals with clear quartz, but you can add them into your devastatingly stressful life of yoga and drinking a whole lot of water with ease by simply strapping a clear quartz to your forehead. Find a leather cord and hot glue the biggest clear quartz you can find to it. Tie it around your head, being sure to position the crystal over your fifth eye. The benefits will be clear to you when someone asks what the hell is on your face, and you cooly respond with a dismissive remark about how it must be difficult for them to worry about what everyone else does all the time. Wear it every day, and never pick up on a bad vibe again.
Seagullfeatherite: An extremely refined crystal found only in the deep sands of New Jersey beaches, the long, fluffy Seagullfeatherite is possibly my favourite healing mechanism available. Well, actually, it is not available unless you belong to the right tumblr group. Start by sending in your application to jerseyshoreteenwitch.tumblr.com. Once you are accepted, order some Seagullfeatherite from username: salembitchtrials. You will be needing enough Seagullfeatherite to cover an entire human body. Begin by going to your favourite bar. Spend the night woo-ing a stranger and buying them drinks. When they seem sufficiently intoxicated, take them home with you. Repeatedly tell them that they look familiar. Make sure you say familiar as much as possible. Ask them about their wildest fantasy. Once they’ve told you, tell them that yours is to roll play a Merlin and Archimedes scenario. Ideally, they won’t know what that is, but they will want to go home with you because of your clear quartz head band. Continue to feed them drinks at your apartment until they pass out on your yoga mat. While they are passed out, glue as many Seagullfeatherites onto them as it takes to coat their entire nude body. Go to work, leaving a wizard’s hat, wizard’s staff, and thank you note on your bed next to them. Now you have a familiar! Your Seagullfeatherite’s energy will be infused into the person in question, and regardless of their free will, anything you wish will be cosmically transferred to them, and they will have no choice but carry out your wishes for as long as they live. HEALED.
Methamphetamite: High grade methamphetamite can be procured only from the most reputable shaman on the block. This beautiful crystal can come in a few different forms. It can be glass-like, powdered, or even sometimes a gorgeous gunk-like substance. For ultimate healing, you are going to want to ask around for a shaman who can give you the rarest form, icey methamphetamite. Known for it’s energetic powers, Methamphetamite will guide you in professional, home improvement, or educational endevours. You will need a charcoal incense burner. Using your athame, shave your icey methamphetamite into a powder over the glowing coals. Inhale the healing vapours as you chant your favourite mantra. The unmistakable healing powers of methamphetamite will be felt at once, rendering you impervious to any obstacles that get in your way in your efforts to paint every wall of your house into a mural depicting your wildest dreams. Don’t be afraid to perform this ritual every day. Ignore those who say your methamphetamite rituals are making you seem “high” or “sick.” They cant comprehend the depth of spiritual productivity you have tapped into.
Happy healing, meditatours! Until next time.
Nicole Rizzo is a seer with incredible knowledge of crystals & magiks. She was raised in Rhode Island & Massachusets where young women are encouraged to practice witchcraft. Nicole got a Science degree at a prestigious fancy-pizza-university. She now resides in Portland, Oregon reading tarot cards & listening to 96.3 KWLZ.