Meditation for February 18th, 2016
Sometimes life asks a lot from us. We might have to give up something special or of value to us in order to make it through an obstacle. This is sacrifice. Some things in the universe have a price and we must pay that price if we want to be a learned person. Sometimes we sacrifice our body to win at sports or finish a laborious job. Sometimes the sacrifice is mental. Stress can push the boundaries of what we can deal with where we suffer from anxiety and depression. Sometimes sacrifice is just giving up what you thought you wanted.
When we on the spiritual path talk about sacrifice we are talking about taking a life for the Gods. This was a common practice in the ancient religions, but people found that the Gods didn’t answer the way they wanted to the smell of burning lamb. Livestock and children became too expensive to be losing at an alter, so the definition of sacrifice changed. Many churches started indulgences so that just paying money can get you into heaven. This also spawned the TV evangelical and mega church pastors who have helicopters and private estates using your ‘sacrifice’.
The thing you must know about making a sacrifice is you must love what you are giving up. That is why the more picky Gods loved children and virgins. You can’t go buy a pink baby mouse and squish it in your hand to let the young warm blood pour down your forearm and think some God somewhere will even stir. No, it must be your cat you throw into the fireplace and wail in grief for the Celestial conscience to even take notice on your meaningless pathetic life.
Things we can do to make your way around killing Chairman Meow or Mr. Fluffy Butts: Buy a lot of pets. Start raising chickens and use one for a yearly sacrifice while using the others as makers of delicious morning eggs.
You are a real asshole.
I want to be healthy again,
but I’m still sick.
You won’t hear my prayers,
see me wearing a necklace that represents a Saint,
wiggle prayer beads,
confess sins, drink and eat parts of your body, witness,
yet I still hurt.
So here is my pet guinea pig, General Snowball Jackson.
He is on a small stone alter.
I am wearing a hood and have used his innocent blood to write runes on my walls,
so I can get rid of this drippy nose.
While the creator gods need something alive that you love with all your little pathetic heart, wild gods still accept their own children for sacrifices. Knowing what animal will give you what in a trade. Wild gods are more playful and their magic is more chaotic, so be very careful what you make an offering for. I have chosen some common urban animals for your next Friday Night ritual.
The Rat – Wild rats spend all day looking for food and things that will help make their nests more comfortable. They have been known to decorate their beds with shiny human garbage. Sacrifice the rat if you are going to move, or if there is strife in your home. Even a nice rat sacrifice will help clear the mind for decorating ideas if you find your walls boring.
The Duck – Ducks swim in pairs, one green head and one brown head. This is a great offering to the gods of love. Burn the pair on a bed of roses if you want help finding your soul mate. Kill one to help in a bad argument with your lover. Kill one, empty it of its organs, and hide it under your lover’s pillow if you sense infidelity.
The Raccoon – The raccoon wants more than any other animal. It spends its nights gathering wealth from your garbages and chicken coops. Any kind of financial issues are helped with the sacrifice of a raccoon. The guts of a raccoon can also be spread on a rock to foresee your financial future. Drink the blood of a live raccoon before making a huge financial decision.
The Possum – These are the monks of the animal kingdom. They spend the nights going house to house witnessing nature’s good word. They sometimes are blamed for the raccoon’s indiscretions, but humans have confused financial wants with spiritual wants. The possum is a special sacrifice. It is used to connect yourself to the spirit world. Burn the possum to a small hot coal. This will take all night, so know you will go without sleep. Take the small hot coal and put it into your mouth and let it burn out. You can now communicate with spirits.
The Canada Goose – These are the souls of the Damned so do not sacrifice. In fact, do not even make eye contact with these filthy penal soul creatures or you will be hexed for life.
The Squirrel – Sacrifice a squirrel if you want to keep a secret a secret or if you need help telling a lie you have held on for a long time. Squirrels, to be properly offered to the wild gods, must be caught by your own hands.
The Rabbit – Like the squirrel, these must be caught by hand. They are needed if you need to change your luck or if you feel like you’ll need some extra luck before getting into something.
The Cat – The cat is very sacred, but if you feel that you must go past the wild gods and talk to one of those asshole creator gods, then a cat is what you’ll need. These creatures are the guardians of the supernatural lands beyond your vision, so get ready to see things you won’t understand when you push Muffy’s head into the toilet.
The Dog – The dogs are where gods go to retire or take a vacation. DO NOT KILL A DOG EVER!
The Chicken – Wild gods don’t like seeing their animals in fences or cages, so the best way to greet them with a chicken sacrifice is using a neighbor’s. Chickens are great to sacrifice when dealing with fertility or parenthood issues. Chickens are also the most fun to sacrifice because of how creative you can get with them.
Stop buying yourself luck, redemption and out of trouble and start making sacrifices. The Gods aren’t hearing your prayers because they don’t want to hear your whiny voice asking for help with getting a job or keeping yourself sober, they want a goddamned dead animal burning on an alter.
Since I am a meditating monk, if you feel you must sacrifice something, but you don’t want to make an animal offering, you can give me something of value that is not money and tell me what you are asking for and I will meditate for you. The thing of value may not have any value for me, for you aren’t buying anything from me, but it must be something you would be sad if it was stolen or lost. I am your most humble servant and will use it to commune with the gods as your representative, for the gods are assholes and are needy and always feel inadequate and need someone who knows how to stroke their egos and get them to give a little instead of conspiring against Jerry when he’s trying to drive home from work.