Meditation for March 23rd, 2016
Sharing Our Feelings
When someone says or does something that hurts our feelings, the best way to respond is to share our feelings and be heard. You say something like, “When you ____________________, I feel ____________________.” The person then does with that information that they will and you have spoken. Sharing feelings is scary, but when we do we get to strengthen ourselves and not act out on those feelings. We have a right to our own feelings.
Sharing your feelings is also manipulation. This is sharing your feeling so the person will change. If you say, “When you ______________________, I feel __________________________.” That person has every right to say, “That’s nice, but I don’t care.” That person has heard you, but that person has decided to not change anything. If they had, your feelings were the reason they were manipulated. Is it fair that your feelings mean more than the other person?
In successful communication we use four levels to manipulate what we want. We observe what the other person is saying or doing that is causing a reaction out of us. We then name the feeling we are feeling so that the person knows that we are being affected by the person’s actions. We then state our needs and then request it. This way the person knows what is making the feeling happen and what you want. If they deny you they are an asshole and you are a helpless victim.
The other person may have some feeling of his or her own. This may cause what is known as a fight because then it comes down to who has been hurt the most, so who deserves the requests more. Someone will ultimately have to surrender and compromise. This means that one person’s feeling is not worth the same as the other person’s. If a person is unable to get his or her feelings acknowledged and his or her request met, does that mean the feeling goes away?
What about the shy person? That person will be unable to request what they want from you let alone express feelings. It is one thing to be able to say hello and good-bye, but to act in intimacy with someone that is bordering on a confrontation? No, the shy person will have to just sigh and clench the jaw and bear it. Sharing feelings are for the extroverted.
Sharing feelings is the perfect manipulation tool to getting what you want. When someone tries this on you, acknowledge the feeling, but ignore the request. What can that person do? You acknowledged the feeling, but maybe you have a feeling about the request that makes you unable to act on the suggestion.
Stop being a manipulative therapeutic crybaby.
God of Sensitive Feelers and Sensitive Gums,
I beseech you to help me,
There are people hurting me,
By saying things,
It makes me so mad,
But I don’t know if I can tell them I’m mad.
One person was fifteen minutes late meeting me.
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATE!
This means they have no respect for me as a person.
They showed up smiling,
And made a short smug apology,
But I felt slighted!
This other person posted an attack on a comment I made on a political post another friend of mine made on Facebook.
All I said was how many delegates a candidate has,
And this person proved me wrong!
I HAD BEEN DUPED BY A FALSE STAT ON THE INTERNET,
AND THIS PERSON HAD THE GULL TO PROVE ME WRONG!
I was very hurt.
This other person said hi,
But nothing else at a social gathering last night.
I tried to get this person’s attention,
To see if there was something wrong,
To see if there was something I did,
Or something I had said,
But I just couldn’t get the person to the side to ask,
And before you know it the person left.
If a person has something to say,
Say it to my face!
Don’t just say hi,
But not ask me how I’m doing,
Or ask me about my cancer!
WHAT DID I DO, CARL?
Here are some letter templates you can use when needing to send a note about your feelings instead of saying it in person. I got you shy guy!
How are you doing today? I am fine. I hope your wedding was great.
Actually, I’m not fine. I was at your wedding this weekend and though I saw you all weekend, you weren’t all that talkative with me. You kept going person to person pretending to have long conversations with them just to get away from me.
I wondered if I was perhaps invited to your wedding by mistake. Maybe you saw me and thought I wasn’t supposed to be there. You turned to your then fiancé and said, “Why is this person here? I don’t even like that person.”
I guess you really didn’t want me a part of your special weekend. I had to eat three large pieces of cake just swallow my feelings.
Please respond at your earliest convenience about why you didn’t hang out with me all that much at your wedding.
P.S. The cake was bomb!
You have slighted me for the last time! This means we must have a confrontation! You and one witness are invited to meet me on the back grounds of the Pittock Mansion at three pm tomorrow afternoon.
We will be back-to-back and taking 10 paces outwards then turning and firing.
Yes, this is a duel.
I’m also open to knives or hatchets. I’m a hatchet man myself, but the pistol is a gentleman’s weapon.
To my great Aunt by marriage _________________________,
Five dollars? I turned 39 and you send me $5? What am I? An eight-year-old boy trying to spend all his money on candy? No! I am a struggling young adult trying to be responsible by paying my bills and trying not to eat like a jerk and at the same time still enjoy the pleasures of youth and buy records, comic books and video games.
Five dollars is not going to cut it. I know that I have never written a thank-you note except for that one time my mom got really uppity with me about it and made me write it right in front of her – when I was 36 years old – but five dollars is late seventies to early eighties money. We got a recession on!
Please, I know you live in some town I can’t spell in Rhode Island, and I haven’t seen you since my brother was born – thirty-five years ago – but lets see some twenties!
No matter how hard it is to stand up for you or easy it is, you are manipulating and being selfish. If you get your way then the other person does not. Think next time your feelings are hurt. Is it really important to share your feelings? Is it a lesson for you to learn? Is it really that important? Is it a lesson to thicken your skin? The point is, feelings are felt, but acting on them is your decision. Requesting someone change his or her behavior is asking a lot from the universe.
Here are some tissues.