Meditation for March 30th, 2016
Soul Stealer
Our bodies are our soul’s vessel, transporting it through our journey. It is our job to fill that soul with love, nurture, knowledge and experience. A soul doesn’t like to be dormant, so a soul will give you that feeling that it’s time to move on and experience something else. Sometimes this helps us leave things that are harmful to us and sometimes we quit something that was very beneficial. The point is the soul is one of the keys to a cultivating introspective life.
Unfortunately there are devices and ways a soul can leave the body. The body and the mind will go on, but there will not be any passion or “life in there”. The soul is what ties our heart desires with our rational mind, and without that we become irrational people letting feelings guide us – or thinking our feelings and letting irrational feelings guide us.
The camera. From the invention of the camera to the smart phones of today, the camera takes little chunks of soul out us every time. If we take a “selfie” we lose our souls for good. This narcissistic action was why God put this self defensive measure in, we are taking our own picture to prove we are better looking than God herself and making it immortal with a picture or posting it on the internet.
Using a selfie to attract potential mates on a dating site is a proven sign that a person has no soul left, so therefore cannot attract a soul mate. Two soulless bodies can find attraction to each other, but it is purely physical and emotional. Your souls are locked inside your OK Cupid profile pic.
Other ways a soul can be stolen is a system being put in place for you to follow. That means a society, a religion or any other kind of cultural law written or not. The more we adhere to man’s law the more our soul eeks out into the ether. This is why we find the most adherent followers of faiths to be completely soulless. The same goes with a political party loyalty. A lot of members of 12 step programs become soulless from being over opinionated on the dogma of the steps. The very thing that helps a lot of us find solace in this cruel world is the very thing that steals our souls.
The final way a soul can be stolen is a devil, or representative thereof, makes you an offer to A) give you recognition to a talent you already have, therefore becoming well known and compensated for it. 2) To cure the thirst for love, a cure for a disease, or the sudden stop of a speech impediment, twitch or limp. C) All powerful man of leadership and financial fortitude for the hefty privy of one soul. At a point at the devil, or represenative thereof, may and can demand full price as he, she, them, it sees fit. Your soul will be kept at a safety deposit box where your mind will join at your perishing and stored there for eternity at 725 5th Ave, New York, NY 10022.
Protect your soul. Don’t let people take pictures of you, don’t post pictures on a social media or dating service site, don’t fall heavily for any kind of dogma, foundation or “the Way”, and do not fall for any temptations presented by a man with hooves and a forked tongue at any crossroads.
Also, if you hit continue watching on Netflix, you have lost a little more soul.
Prayer
Ammit,
Before you eat my soul,
I want to confess all the reason you are about to eat it.
I just didn’t try.
I saw other people do it, so I did it.
I had no idea that by not liking anything with soul in it I would be cursed to have my soul eaten by a crocodile headed hippo. (I think)
Dave Matthews Band
Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers,
Paul McCartney post death in 1966.
Golf.
American Soccer.
Never living in Europe or having any ancestral connection to a city in Europe and being a fan of that soccer team.
North Face
Listening to Pearl Jam now.
Cargo shorts.
Jay-Z
Eminem.
The time I sighted Public Enemy as a favorite rap group but never really listened to them until after I said it on Spotify.
Judas Priest.
Vaping and smoking cigarettes at the same time.
Saying I liked NCAA basketball when even the tournament is boring.
Liking anything because it’s stupid or funny how dumb it is guilty pleasure categories.
Whenever I said, “Well in Europe…”
Man bun.
Braided my hair.
Selfie in the bathroom.
Selfie repeats in the same place.
The accidental selfie when I was trying to “show” the viewer something.
Selfie of me and a dog.
Selfie of me and my girlfriend.
Using hearts and saying that I am so good at love in the caption below and posting it on social media.
Basketball jersey with no shirt underneath.
Tucking a t-shirt into jeans with no belt.
Correcting the above with a braided belt.
Referring to a sports team as “we”.
Having a political argument on Facebook.
Unfriending someone over a political argument on Facebook.
Drinking rose in winter.
Being critical of superhero movies over the age of 16.
Complaining about traffic to a stranger.
Talking about weather with a stranger.
Talking about the local sports team with a stranger.
Not talking about any of the previous three because I went through a stage where all conversations needed to be real.
I think I could keep going but I can see you want to eat my soul.
What?
You can’t because I have no soul?
Oh.
Amen.
Craft
How do you get your soul back if you lost it? Well, it ain’t easy, but there are spells, rituals and certain steps you can take to find your lost soul.
The photograph:
You must destroy both the picture and the negative by burning them in a pinecone fire. The unfortunate thing is a hedgehog must be sacrificed to replace your soul, and since hedgehog souls are very similar to human souls, one must be burned alive to replace your soul. If you are under 50, a baby hedgehog must do.
If the picture is a selfie, you do all of the above but the hedgehog must be caught with you walking backwards.
The posted picture:
This is a little harder to do, but using what we know about the ether, we can retrieve the soul using a little technique called soul fishing. The only issue is you might catch another soul or worse, a seraph. Using a string and a stick, you must find a reflection in a mud puddle that reflects a building perfectly. A library, courthouse or house of worship will do. Yes, it will have just rained, and yes, it’ll have to be sunny.
Bate your string with a smart phone opened to the picture in question.
Carefully dropping your string into the water and trying not to disturb the water. The less the ripples, the more chance you have to catching a soul. You will find yourself feeling a slight tug. After the tug, slowly and gently lift the string and phone out of the puddle. If the tug is violent, let go of the string and forget the phone, you got yourself an angel.
Put the phone in rice for 24 hours. Remove phone and then cook the rice and eat it. Add sriracha and you have yourself some delicious soul.
Dating site:
You will have to marry the girl, get divorced shortly after your youngest child reaches 3, remarry someone you work with, have a messy short marriage with cops and anger management classes and then marry the first wife again and enjoy a loveless marriage, but you will be able to just work on your boat you are building while she enjoys reality television every night.
Sorry.
The system:
This requires a long period of time, but here goes:
Turn every public phone handset upside down.
Turn every TV up to full blast and turn the TV off.
Dip into the shoulder every once in awhile when driving.
Sit with your knees as wide apart on the bus.
Leave the corner of your sheet off your mattress so the corner is showing bare mattress.
Act like you are someone’s best friend one day and act indifferent to him or her the next day.
Read every sign you see when someone else is driving. Extra points for using a funny voice.
Replace toilet paper so that the roll comes from the backside instead of over the top.
Always put shoes in the washing machine.
Run with your arms down to the sides.
Always point out a good thing about anyone that most people hate and are talking shit about.
There is a plethora of other rituals you can do to attract your soul back from falling for a system, but I am sick and I am tired.
Goal
Be careful about how you treat your soul. The thing requires your skin, muscle and skeletal system to protect it from harm, so don’t turn on the thing you were created to protect. Don’t go all willy nilly taking your picture just because your hair is perfect or it’s the first time you’ve worn a dress since you went to a dance in 8th grade. Your soul is there to attract your soul mate and if you wasted it on pictures and being dogmatic, you will die alone.
Love all of you.
Namaste.