Meditation for June 24th, 2016
Why You Need a Life Coach
You are completely lost
You don’t know what to do, what to be, where to go, where to be, what or whom you are and you certainly have no idea how to find out. There wasn’t a class in middle school on how to be a person, you never got the life manual, and so you are just floating in an ocean wondering if you’ll just give up and drown, get eaten by sharks or are picked up by pirates.
A life coach will just make your decisions for you. They will make your days easier by giving you the goal of being a physically strong over enthusiastic idiot. Gym and salads are life, man.
You are just an unhappy piece of shit
You want to stay in bed all day and eat painkillers like Brian Wilson, but you know you can’t, so you begrudgingly put on your god-awful pants and go to your dead end job that rewards you with a place to go everyday.
You have no idea how to be happy. A life coach will talk you into what makes you happy. The gym and eating salads are what makes a person happy.
You just got dumped for being an ambitionless asshole
Your partner of a few years just walked out on you because you just won’t change. You are still playing video games until 4 in the morning and seem to be fine not changing. Your partner just told you that you need to grow up and that maybe they’d consider you if you showed some kind of initiative.
You hire a life coach, get your body and mind on fleek and then get you partner to ‘consider’ you again, and then you go out with someone better!
It’s amazing what the gym and salads can do.
You’re a scared little shit
You are afraid of what it will take to be a successful adult in this world. You won’t answer your phone, look in the mail box, stay away from places where you might run into someone you know, you get headaches from watching whole series on Netflix and you just won’t buy more toothpaste so you brush your teeth with a dry toothbrush. You are scared and depressed about it.
Get a life coach who will say all kinds of motivating things like, “Go to the gym!” and “Eat a salad!” You’ll suddenly be facing the world with confidence. Don’t use ranch dressing.
You’ve done therapy, acupuncture, yoga, reiki, floats, read all kinds of self-help books and went to South America and tried ayahuasca, so now you’re saying, now what?
Well you haven’t had anyone tell you to go to the gym and eat salads, so now it’s time to try out a life coach.
Life coaches are there to help get the solution of your problems and help you live a fulfilling life by telling you all the things you already know, but because you paid a lot of money to have someone tell you what to do, like go to the gym and eat salads, you will actually do it because it seems weird to spend that kind of money to not do anything a life coach tells you.
Get ready to go to the gym and eat salads.