Well it looks like I’ll be leaving the hospital today. I’m just waiting for some take home medications and paperwork.
Leaving the hospital just opens up the “what if …” part of the brain. I haven’t felt this much fear and uncertainty in 20 years. I’ve almost always known that everything is going to be alright, but this time, I’m not sure.
I fear all the side effects of the chemo. I’m scared that Sharon won’t be able to handle me being so broken and sick. She’s been so strong so far.
Now the financial stuff is beginning. There has been a lot of helpful people through my room the last couple of days making sure that I won’t be hindered by money.
Max Kramer set up a go fund me to help with the bills and I will never be able to truly thank him or the people who have contributed enough. It truly helps keep some of the fear of the unknown future at bay.
I’ll be dealing with severe fatigue, hair loss, mouth sores, low white blood cells, low immunity, the inability to work for awhile and I have tubes in my arm for the next three months.
I’ll have days where I can go see people and be able to socialize and be outside, but there will be days that I just can’t get up and won’t be able to do anything.
I can’t be strong or weak, I have to be myself. I have to be true to how I feel and make my decisions based on that. I can’t ignore the little pains anymore.
I can’t wait to get out of this hospital, but I’m scared to death. It becomes chapter II in my cancer life.
Thank you again for writing, calling, donating and stopping by. It all helps tremendously. I’m sorry I haven’t written or called some of you back, but it’s been a tough 6 days.