I don’t know why I thought I would keep this a secret, but I had another scan and something showed up on my liver. Here is what I’m not thinking about: it’s nothing. This is what I’m thinking about: I am going to die very soon of cancer.
This is the worst part, I have to just sit and wait till something changes and proves one or the other. I have an appointment later this month, but I’m not going to get an answer. I have to keep getting scanned and if it is growing, then I have liver cancer. If it doesn’t grow or it disappears, then it’s nothing or something else.
It’s really hard to write about this. I keep spacing out and wishing I could just give up. I write a sentence and then the possible reality of my future sinks in and I start crying. I wish I could shut down and not feel anything.
I remember being seventeen years old and wishing for death more than anything. I hated myself so much and if I found out that I had some incurable disease, I would have rejoiced. I went in to get an HIV test and I literally prayed for it to be positive.
I spent the last 21 years cleaning myself up and learning to love who I am. I don’t flinch all the time when I see myself in the mirror. I don’t cringe when I hear my voice come out of my mouth. I don’t think everyone around me hates me.
I actually love myself. I walk down the street with my head up high. I have done a lot of esteemable acts. It wasn’t easy to come to that place. It took a lot of hard work, and now it almost seems like all for not.
I’ve had lump in my throat since Wednesday. I’ve been able to laugh and joke, but I really feel fire in my guts. It’s like the emptiness I sometimes feel is now full of windy fire. People have been nice, but they all seem so far away, like they’re talking to me from the other side of a tunnel.
I try to read books to get my mind off of things, but I find myself staring at a page full of symbols and me thinking about how I’m going to die.
Now is seems that my baseball team knows what I’m going through because they can’t seem to win a game.
I know it could be nothing. I could be thinking about all of this for no reason at all, and I’ll just find out it’s a smudge or a scar or nothing at all, and I’ll just be back to living among all of you who have no idea when you’ll die. I should be grasping at hope. I should be concentrating on the positive things in my life, like counting my cool shirts will take my mind off of dying in five years.
If you have paid any attention to the last year of my life, then you’ll know why I just can’t seem to get the glass half full attitude going. I lost everything and now I’m going to lose the last thing I have left – life. If you paid any attention to my last year, you’ll know that I might have a hard time feeling hope.
I can’t help look back at all the therapy, step work and positive life changes and be completely pissed. What a waste. I could have spent that time just doing what I want instead of trying to be other-centered. I wasted so much time helping others. I wasted so many days working on being a better person. Now I am pissed because I have nothing to show for it.
Last night I walked around the neighborhood looking into windows and I kept seeing these wonderful couples enjoying their homes and not worried about the length of time they have on this earth. I kept seeing people living like they have hundreds of years in front of them. At the store this morning I saw people reading the labels and spent time trying to make the perfect decision. They lived like death was something only grandparents do.
I thought about keeping all of this under my hat because I feel like I’ve over stayed my cancer welcome with people. “That’s the cancer guy.” I didn’t want to hear the fucking ridiculous things people say to comfort me.
I’m scared shitless. I have no idea what to do. Do I make a bucket list? Do I live like nothing is wrong? I hate not knowing what’s going on. I am terrified of death now. I’m horrified of dying and being totally forgotten.
And it all might be nothing and I’ll live longer than you.