David Everett Fisher

Absurd.

April 30, 2013 Guide

Instagram Psychology

One of the first majors I ever had in school was psychology. I was interested in the inner workings of the mind and how a person uses language and body language that could mean something deeper. For example, if someone looks up and to the right they are lying.

I have done hours of exhaustive studies of the human brain and what their behavior on Instagram really means. A picture of a cat isn’t always just a picture of a cat, but something else entirely. Here are the results of my study.

 

A tiny bagel!

A tiny bagel!

Food: People take pictures of food that they are about to eat and want the whole world to see. Sometimes it is because it has been presented in an artistic way while others are showing the pride in their accomplishment of cooking their own dish. Pictures of dishes that a person is excited to eat at a restaurant or that someone else has made signifies a deep down resentment at people not noticing their value in popular culture. They present this food that is almost a sculpture as a means of making their followers take notice of their social worth. You might find the restaurant or chef’s name hashtaged in the picture to share that they have joined a creative process with other people that have social and or artistic worth.

People that take pictures of their own food are sharing with the world that they lack human connection – especially a lack of sexual intimacy. Especially if the food that is photographed is vegetarian or vegan, the person has pent up all their ability to have intimate relationships with others and must find an outlet for their social retardation. A picture of meat is a symbol of doubt in one’s own sexual potency.

 

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Cats: Cats have long symbolized the Lonely Fool. Pictures of cats symbolize a wall to keep people from wanting to interact with that person. More than one cat in a picture is the sign that a person would rather live alone forever and never wants to find a sexual partner or best friend. A picture of other people’s cats or cats from the Internet is someone who is deep inside him or herself and can’t understand the social structure of his or her society. When one does a picture of the cat and a self-portrait, this is a cry for help and is begging for someone to make the awful pain stop.

 

 

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Landscapes: Some people take photographs of scenery whether it is an ocean or a park bench, and it usually means that they look outwards for a solution to their problems. They have done something horrible and in their guilt and shame take pictures of things outside of themselves in hope that you and I will forget that they are a repulsive person. If they take pictures of landscapes and someone is standing in the distance, means it is the model’s fault, not his or her own.

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Tattoos: When someone that takes a lot of pictures of tattoos, means they are probably a tattoo artist, and it is a part of their job to advertise their skill.

If people post more than one picture of their own tattoo, they are angry at their father for never playing catch with them.

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Selfies: Self-portraits are the narcissistic posts of the instagram world. A deep hatred for oneself that makes one post self-portraits to show the world what they may see in themselves. They want their eyes to be the abyss that stares back the way they see their eyes in the mirror as they brush their teeth and accidently steal a glance at the face they have learned to hate. A lot of Selfies will become depressed if their likes and positive comments are low or certain people don’t respond to the picture. If you know someone that takes a lot of self-portraits – like their pictures so they stay alive.

Some psychology is not in the pictures themselves, but the manner in which they are presented. Here are some different compulsions that people exhibit on Instagram and the psychology behind them.

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#Hashtag: Hashtags (#) are used technically to help catalog the pictures so people using the search engine can find them easier. As the hashtag became widely used, they would sometimes become a punch line. Some people use too many hashtags and they are exhibiting the classic need for attention. These are people who are not satisfied with an half an hour without attention, so they put in five to thirty (instagram’s maximum hashtag allowance per picture) in hopes someone will find them. They want new people to love them and their old followers to become jealous and try to drown the new followers in a bathtub. Besides, too many hashtags when you’re not a business is just dumb.

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Too Many Posts At Once: These are the people that don’t feel like they deserve any followers, so they post five to ten pictures all at the same time – usually of the same thing at different angles and filters. The over posting makes people unfollow them, and they get to feel like a victim. It is like a little kid saying, “Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!” and when you finally look over they run up a small hill and back down while making farting noises and you wonder why you looked in the first place and then you tell your wife, your child’s mother, that you are going to the store to get milk and cigarettes and never come home again. A normal person does two to three posts a day and spread out, just so you know.

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Posting Every Picture on Instagram and Facebook: It isn’t enough that they posted the picture on Instagram, they also have to post it on Facebook so when you get done looking at Instagram, you find all the same pictures on Facebook and you have a stroke. The double post is a classic example of abandonment issues and this is a way to trap someone when they leave Instagram to look at Facebook. They think you have to look twice and you have to like twice and maybe even comment twice. Once is not enough for the double poster to feel normal. The double poster needs to be treated special to feel normal. The double poster is often heard saying, “Did you see my picture today?”

I hope this helps you. If you feel like you have any of these symptoms, please get help. You are deranged and are probably about to lose your mind permanently. Nothing wrong asking for help.

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