Meditation for January 14th, 2016
The moon is very important in most spiritual and religious practices. It controls the ocean’s tide. Some say it controls the tides inside of our blood and brain, so therefore the wholeness of the moon is important to our moods. The position of the moon when we were born and on our birthdays can foretell our futures in our horoscope, and when something goes wrong with the technology around us we shake our fists at our ability to land on the moon, but not fix this simple problem that is inconveniencing our life.
We never landed on the moon. It was a Kubrick film project in conjunction with the CIA to win a cold war battle. We still don’t know how to fly a jet-propelled rocket and land a human being on the moon. This means that whatever is inconveniencing you right now is supposed to happen because we never landed on the moon.
Is your phone acting shitty? We never landed on the moon. Excel not keeping the little equations in the little cells right? We never landed on the moon. Is it taking more than a few seconds for your porn video to buffer? We never landed on the moon. Do famous people still die of cancer? We never landed on the moon. Do we still need Microsoft Explorer to fill out government documents so we can be insured? We never landed on the moon.
Next time you feel inconvenienced by some technological device or program, just remember, we can’t even land on the moon.
Great Big Creator Person,
let the moon remain a mystery.
May we never find out it is or isn’t made of cheese.
May we never find out it isn’t even a sphere, but the back of your home.
May we never find that we actually rotate around the moon.
May I remember that since we never landed on the moon,
we can’t really do anything cool at all:
like real hover boards that anyone can have
or flying cars
being put in computer code like in Tron (and Tron 2: Legacy)
or being able to surf the Internet by beeping booping with our fingers in the air in front of our faces
and that laser guns won’t replace the boring analog guns
and that the future turns out to be vape and two wheel scooter thingies.
P.S. Bring back magic.
Go on to Yelp and find negative reviews and reply with, “We never landed on the moon.” This will help the negative review writer realize that we aren’t as far into the future as we keep thinking we are.
Be less reliant on technology. Refuse to turn in typed papers at work or at school. Do it handwritten. Even if it is an excel spreadsheet, get the ruler and calculator out and do it by hand. RSVP to Facebook invites by regular mail:
Thank you for the invitation to your metal show on Facebook. I
would be delighted to attend the show. May I bring one person
with me? I would ever be so lonely if I showed up by myself and
you were busy tuning you guitar to a drop D and I didn’t know nary
a soul. I think you’ll like the person I’m bringing. That person will
be paying for your show and hopefully later that night be having
sexual relations with me thanks to my seemingly cultured knowledge
of Metal and all of its complex stylings.
May this letter find you in good health. I look forward to watching
you prance around the stage in eyeliner and a belt made of bullets.
Do you take requests?
Yours in music and Satan,
You can even try responding to Messenger by snail mail too. Don’t buy anything online, but go to the store without looking up hours or even if they have what you want in stock and hope the door is unlocked and they have your size boot in stock. If they don’t, be okay with what they do have in stock and just be disappointed in the boots you bought anyway. We never landed on the moon.