David Everett Fisher

Absurd.

September 10, 2014 introspection

Out of the Darkness and into the Wandering Roads

I’ve been out of the hospital two whole days now and stayed at my parents’ house. Tomorrow I go back for another chemotherapy session. It’s almost 8:30 and I’m exhausted. I mean that after I write this I will probably go to sleep.

I don’t feel like me anymore. This doesn’t feel like my body. This isn’t the strong body I had a week ago when I went to work. This isn’t the strong body that ran an in the park homerun during a softball game. This is a weak feeble body. It’s alien to me.

I can’t be intimate because I have scars and a Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter coming out of my arm. I can’t exert myself because of how fatigue I get. I can’t take a normal shower because I can’t get my PICC wet and I can’t take a bath because I can’t submerge my scars underwater.

I don’t know me. I’m dazed and thoughts aren’t coming clearly to me. I tried writing this earlier today, but I just couldn’t stop staring at the blinking cursor. I can’t read without repeating a sentence over and over again. Books are my greatest love and I can’t enjoy them right now.

I felt stronger today than I’ve felt since this whole thing started, but here I am at 8:30 ready to turn the lights out and I won’t wake up till 8am.

I can’t wait to be home with Sharon again. I miss her when she’s not around and she has been so strong for me. I can only imagine what she is going through with me. She keeps telling me she’s here for me and that she’s not going anywhere, and thank god that’s good enough. Today is out 16 months of being together.

I tried taking a shower today, but when I was wrapping my arm up so my PICC doesn’t get wet, I didn’t do it right so I started crying and got so frustrated. My dad showed me a trick with rubber bands and Ziploc bags.

I saw some family today and that was nice. We visited for two hours and it felt like I was almost normal. After they left I had to relax a bit. My friend and old roommate Theron stopped by and that was a nice visit, and it was just the two of us in the sun going in different directions and hoping that we end up somewhere good.

I’m not going to lie; I don’t mind that I only have one testicle. I haven’t tested it out or anything, but I think this is the one thing I’ve had the easiest time with.

Photo on 9-10-14 at 8.48 PM

 

Still more people keep reaching out to me and it has been so nice. People are still contributing to my GoFundMe that Max set up, but I hope you guys know that contributions don’t put you in my thoughts it’s the little things, the texts, the reading of my blogs and knowing that I’m not going to go through this alone.

It’s 8:41, I need to post this and turn off the lights.

20 to “Out of the Darkness and into the Wandering Roads”

  1. Megan says...

    Sleep tight.

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  2. Amanda Ewing says...

    You’re amazing Dave. Praying for you every day. Keep posting and we’ll keep reading.

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  3. Winston says...

    Thank you for the update Dave. I can only imagine. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  4. Jean Knutson says...

    Thinking of you every day and, I’m not going to lie, lighting candles in every ancient church I visit. xo

  5. jake says...

    Combine that one testicle with a low center of gravity…you will be hitting inside the parkers soon enouhh

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  6. Julia Phillips says...

    Thanks for letting us know how you’re doing despite being exhausted.

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  7. Kristen kessler says...

    Love you, Dave. I think of you and Sharon and pray for strength for you both.

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  8. Milton says...

    Hang in there Dave, remember this is how you feel today but there will be a new day down the road where you will feel strong again!!! You just can’t put it on the calendar, it will be a day when you look back and realize your on the other side of this and life is easier again,

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  9. Max says...

    love and health

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  10. Bill Jeffords says...

    Keep writing when you can. I have always liked your blog and I will keep you in my prayers Dave.

    Some day soon I would like to give you a big hug, it’s been too long.

    You at be younger then me (with a very old soul) but when I was empty you and your friends showed me true unconditional love, and I am grateful !

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  11. Brittainy Hutchison says...

    You need to be so careful with that PICC line Dave – it’s a direct route to your heart and the last thing you need is an infection… I’m sure you know all this and are being SO careful and someone is checking the site regularly though right??? I just got off work, where I gave CHG baths to people with PICC lines, BECAUSE they have PICK lines, so it’s kind of on my mind! 😉 ♡

  12. Alia says...

    Keep your eye on the horizon champ

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  13. Ben Farrell says...

    You’re a gem, Dave, even while missing one of your jewels. Keep the blog posts coming, as you are able. You are well loved and I’m sending you prayers daily.

  14. Nikki says...

    Dave, you are in my thoughts and prayers! Miss seeing you on Thursdays! Thanks for posting these updates, it’s nice to be able to read about your process and how everything is going. Keep your head up, my friend. You are loved and missed.

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  15. Luis says...

    Rest Easy fella.

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  16. Adam Fitzpatrick says...

    I am really glad you are updating your blog so I can hear how you are doing. You have a lot of courage; I can’t imagine how hard this is. I miss hanging out with you on Thursday nights.

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  17. Catherine n says...

    Love your big heart and Keep writing Dave!

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  18. Brynna Shoob says...

    I’m not going to try to tell you that I know how you feel/ because I don’t. I can relate to having everything change in an instant and not feeling like you are connected to what’s happening with your body. When I had my stroke and aneurism last year, everything changed. But the beauty of the friendships and the love of family really made the journey tolerable.
    If there is anything I can do for you or your family… Just ask.
    Sending you love and light!
    Bj

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  19. Sarah Clark says...

    Keep writing when you can. I appreciate reading everything you have to say. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I would love to bring you guys a meal sometime. When my husband went through some really scary medical stuff with his heart a few years back a friend set up an account for us on a site called “lots of loving hands.” You and Sharon can decide if you want meals, help with cleaning, whatever, and then people can sign up. Let me know if you want me to set one up for you.

  20. Teresa says...

    Dude. Just talked to Roemer. Totally nuts. Totally nut free. No joke – The team and I are rooting for ya. Thanks for your honesty. You are an excellent writer.
    P.S. Can’t believe you poured and repoured a shot of tequila for a customer before you left for the E.R. So Dave Fisher.
    LOVE YOU

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