I’ve been out of the hospital two whole days now and stayed at my parents’ house. Tomorrow I go back for another chemotherapy session. It’s almost 8:30 and I’m exhausted. I mean that after I write this I will probably go to sleep.
I don’t feel like me anymore. This doesn’t feel like my body. This isn’t the strong body I had a week ago when I went to work. This isn’t the strong body that ran an in the park homerun during a softball game. This is a weak feeble body. It’s alien to me.
I can’t be intimate because I have scars and a Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter coming out of my arm. I can’t exert myself because of how fatigue I get. I can’t take a normal shower because I can’t get my PICC wet and I can’t take a bath because I can’t submerge my scars underwater.
I don’t know me. I’m dazed and thoughts aren’t coming clearly to me. I tried writing this earlier today, but I just couldn’t stop staring at the blinking cursor. I can’t read without repeating a sentence over and over again. Books are my greatest love and I can’t enjoy them right now.
I felt stronger today than I’ve felt since this whole thing started, but here I am at 8:30 ready to turn the lights out and I won’t wake up till 8am.
I can’t wait to be home with Sharon again. I miss her when she’s not around and she has been so strong for me. I can only imagine what she is going through with me. She keeps telling me she’s here for me and that she’s not going anywhere, and thank god that’s good enough. Today is out 16 months of being together.
I tried taking a shower today, but when I was wrapping my arm up so my PICC doesn’t get wet, I didn’t do it right so I started crying and got so frustrated. My dad showed me a trick with rubber bands and Ziploc bags.
I saw some family today and that was nice. We visited for two hours and it felt like I was almost normal. After they left I had to relax a bit. My friend and old roommate Theron stopped by and that was a nice visit, and it was just the two of us in the sun going in different directions and hoping that we end up somewhere good.
I’m not going to lie; I don’t mind that I only have one testicle. I haven’t tested it out or anything, but I think this is the one thing I’ve had the easiest time with.
Still more people keep reaching out to me and it has been so nice. People are still contributing to my GoFundMe that Max set up, but I hope you guys know that contributions don’t put you in my thoughts it’s the little things, the texts, the reading of my blogs and knowing that I’m not going to go through this alone.
It’s 8:41, I need to post this and turn off the lights.