David Everett Fisher

Absurd.

February 2, 2013 introspection, rant

Reaching 3rd Base Now (A Repost)

I am in the middle of moving and haven’t had time to blog in a bit, so I thought I’d repost an old blog post I think is funny.

I got into a discussion about what the bases meant when hooking up with a girl. We decided that first base was kissing, second base was fondling outside of clothes and that third base was oral sex. Some of the people in the discussion felt like that didn’t seem right, and were wondering where touching the genitals came in and how sometimes that ended the base running for awhile, so we decided that while you are running from second to third you were in the transition from over-the-clothes petting to genital touching, but that you just didn’t get to third.

Then there are those times when you round third and you think you’re making it home, but then the catcher has the ball, so you try to run back to third, and you get stuck somewhere between third and home trying not to get thrown out and stay safe at third base. Sometimes you’re thrown out at home for not having a condom, or she changes her mind and doesn’t feel like its a good time for her or you think you’re ready for home, but you can’t ‘perform’, so you try to make it safely back to third instead of ending your night back in the dugout.

Once in awhile, and this is only allowed in softball, you hit a homerun and you choose not to round the bases, you just stay there at home base and go back to the dugout with your head up high without having to do any base running.

Sometimes you hit a line drive up the right foul line, but you think its going to be good, but as you pass first for second you see the ball drop outside the foul line and you have to head back to the beginning. Usually this means you have been interpreted by roommates, phone calls or parents.

Some guys are sluggers. They usually get those extra bases every time if not a high number of home runs. They are bigger, usually use performance enhancement drugs and are total dicks, but they get the runs. Some are really good at getting singles and doubles, but because of circumstances beyond their control they get left on base and never get home. Then there are those that just keep striking out. They just can’t get contact and spend their career in a slump because they don’t know how to bat.

Usually if they can’t bat, they can field. The ‘cock-blockers’. They try to stop you from making those runs by tagging you out, catching your flies or striking you out. Sometimes you have to bunt to bring up the infield.

Some batters don’t quite have the abilities, but they can sacrafice themselves to help a runner get home. They pop out and the runner tags up and makes it home, or they bunt and get thrown out at first, or they hit a runner home by hitting a home run with the friend’s girl friend.

Time has changed the way we date. Whether its because of age or a younger man’s attitude, the bases have changed their meanings. Now days it seems like first is sex, second is moving in together and third is staying home every night watching movies and trying to not talk to each other and home is break up or divorce.

So, next time your up to bat, have a condom, toothbrush and your Netflix account information ready.

1 to “Reaching 3rd Base Now (A Repost)”

  1. Katherine says...

    So true. Very funny.

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