David Everett Fisher

Absurd.

April 16, 2013 Guide

The Girl Guide

How do you find a girl that’s right for you? The first thing you want to do is figure out what kind of relationship you want. Without knowing what you want in a relationship, you’re just running into girls blindly & without focus. She wants to know you have strong convictions and are a man that knows what he wants.

Here are some categories to help you decide what kind of girl you might be looking for. By no means is this a comprehensive guide to every kind of woman, but unquestionably the ones that I gravitate towards or away.

The Buddy: This is the girl that shares all your interests with you. This is the girl that won’t wear make-up and will wear jeans to semi formal engagements. You get the pleasure of watching sporting events, enjoying the great outdoors together and taking on home projects together like building raised beds, chicken coops and dog runs. The downfall is no down time. She will be with you every day and night. Buddy sex is low on priority and fun factor, so your enjoyment will be how well you perform together on camping trips, road trips and white water rafting. She’ll be one of the boys.

The Sexpot: Every guy thinks they want this kind of girl, but when she finally enters their life, they regret it right off the bat. You spend weeks lustfully exploring the very broad realm of desire. You will finally play out those things you saw in porn, but after the sex you find nothing to talk about. She’s probably a sweet girl, but has learned that sex is a great way to get positive reinforcement. The relationship won’t have substance and you’ll start pretending to be too sleepy or stressed out to perform and she’ll think you hate her.

The Wifey: She is crafty, adorable and just got done matching all your socks. She makes you try her experimental recipes that she got from her grandma and wants to go bird watching this Sunday. As you find more of her talents & skills, you think, “She’d make a great wife!” You fantasize about her knitting while you read by the fire in your immaculate craftsman home. Then you learn the truth; she has an obsessive-compulsive disorder. After you and her have an argument about whether you wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher or isn’t that what the dishwasher does, she spends the next two hours cleaning grout. You bring some fellas over to watch the game and she plays hostess with the mostess until she decides to reorganize the pantry during the game. She also becomes more and more critical of your cleanliness. Sex is non-existent for the Wifey.

The Trade Up: Somehow you date above your pay grade. The fellas slap you on the back for picking up this beautiful, successful, well-dressed woman. Your parents are in love with her because she is more on their level of life than you are. You spend all your time at her clean loft and while she goes to work you watch her cable and jack off to her beauty magazines. Then comes the bummer part. She introduces you to her friends and you have to answer their questions about your less than ambitious life. Some of her guy friends are just too fucking perfect. You become unsure of yourself. You start wondering why she’s into you in the first place, and then you find out, you are a project. She thinks she can build you up from scratch to a gentleman. She buys you name brand shirts and suggests things you can do with your hair and how you should shave more often – like every day. You become bitter and envious of your single friends who all have beards and comfortable shirts. She got you with the above average sex in the beginning, but now you go weeks of drain babies.

The Damsel in Distress: Probably my favorite, the girl who has never had any good luck ever. You think she needs a nice guy like you to show her that the world isn’t made of Chads’ shit and she’ll have a great life. Things go great – for two days. Then she has her mood swings, then you find out she hasn’t taken her meds in a couple days because your romantic bullshit made her so happy she thought she could go on without them, then her ex boyfriend starts sniffing around threateningly, then she starts shooting up meth again and then she tells you about the herpes. You hang on like she’s a bull and you’re the cowboy who can tame our wild mare, and you hang on two months too long and you have to spend the next three to four months recovering and for some reason whenever she calls you answer and get yourself in more pickles. It isn’t until you get into another relationship that you stop taking her calls.

The Hot Young Thang: She is young. She can’t even get into bars. You are in your mid thirties. What could possibly go wrong? Well a lot actually. As the weeks go by you find yourself noticing her lack of experience more and more. She’s way more into pop culture than you, she has nervous breakdowns over running out of eyeliner and she doesn’t get your jokes about TV shows, movies and music you grew up with. You get annoyed when you hang out with her and her friends as they talk about high school – three years ago! Finally she breaks up with you because it got too hard and she meets a nice guy her age and they get married.

The Personality over Looks: I hate to sound so superficial, but I am. It happens either after the Damsel in Distress, the Sexpot or the Hot Young Thang. There’s a girl who is obviously into you and she’s fun to hang out with, but she isn’t very good looking. It might start off okay with you guys laughing and having great conversations and then its bedtime. She wants to love you and you think you can, think you can, think you can and you have to play the getting old card, or the too tired card, or the whiskey dick card. Why is sex that important? It just is. You have to have a balance and a girl could be perfect in every other category, but if you can’t have sex with her, you feel all those other categories lessen in value.

The Governess: She’s older and experience. She’s been married and has a kid in high school. She does yoga and eats granola in the morning and sushi for lunch. She drinks wine for the taste and makes you get dressed up for the theatre. She wants to spend most evenings sitting at the dining room table eating her simple but delicious meals while she talks about how hard yoga was and how much of push over her ex is when it comes to their kid and then you guys retire to the living room to watch some Ken Burns documentary. You are bored as shit and she is hinting about rings and matrimony. Could you do this every day for the rest of your life? You would die of boredom and she is just a year away from losing the good looks to old age.

The Tornado: Not to be confused with the Damsel in Distress, this is the girl that loves to have a great time. You go out night after night after night dancing, bar hopping and going to sketchy dudes house to get some nose candy. You show up to work with dark rings under your eyes and just when you think you might get to bed early she gets a text and grabs your arms and you are living another night trying to pretend to be in a Coors Light commercial. Sure, it’s fun at first, but after several nights of carrying her home and holding the hair out her face while she vomits on your shoes, you get really tired. On nights that you decide to stay in you wonder what she’s capable of when she gets that drunk and you’re not there. You end up staying up till she gets home and you should have just gone out anyway. You break up and she ends up dating the bartender at the bar you guys went to all the time.

The Ex: You already know what you’re getting into, what could possibly go wrong this time? You’re both older and wiser and you guys should have grown out of those pesky behaviors that ended the relationship in the first place. You confuse the catching up with what you guys been up to these last few years with great communication and you start off sex where you left off, but then you realize you guys didn’t change that much. You shut down because your head is telling your dick it’s an idiot for sniffing around such familiar territory. She notices that you haven’t changed one bit and gets annoyed with you easily. This was all just an emotional escape to comfortville and ends up being a goddamn clusterfuck.

I’m sure I’ve missed a few categories, but I think this will help you out, gentlemen. Its good to know what you want and the kind of girl you want to date. You may want a Wifey or a Governess and you’ll know what to expect and what is expected of you. I do this as a service to you and aimless men everywhere.

If you’re my ex, you aren’t any of these. You are all special and amazing and I would never write a blog about you.

2 to “The Girl Guide”

  1. John Naimo says...

    Brillaint, Fish. Onpoint. Funny as hell. I laughed out load in my living room, bro! Publish this shit!

  2. Random Heckler says...

    Still smoking. Still love coffee. Still don’t want kids and still dead inside. We get it! Finally something on this rag with signs of life. Hurry up and write a relationship book, do you really think Chad is smart enough to figure this out on his own? At the very least you’ll be able to afford some decent clothes.

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