My girlfriend and I had a short conversation about feelings and my trouble with them. I just sometimes don’t know what I’m feeling and what the name of that feeling is. I know there is a page of emoji faces I can choose from, but sometimes I’ll just pick the one that is straight lipped and lack of eyebrows because I have no idea what my emotional response is.
Here are some of my feelings I have on a regular basis.
Your Car Almost Hit Me: I walk from 3rd and Couch to 16th and Marshall for work and there is something about the Pearl District that makes cars run stop signs, take rights without looking left and cars coming out of parking spots too fast. I almost get hit by a car everyday. The feeling starts out with fear and I lock up getting ready for the impact, but realize that the car will stop in time or get around me, so I switch to extreme rage where I yell obscenities with spittle coming out of my mouth as I try to drive the driver to commit suicide from my hurtful comments. I usually try to point out the driver’s weight and looks in case they don’t know they are heavy and ugly already – even if they aren’t. No one wants to be fat and ugly.
The Bike on the Sidewalk or Running a Stop Sign: This is very similar to the above emotional response, but when I see a bike on the sidewalk I get mad. It isn’t a sideride, but a sidewalk. If the bike scares me then I respond very similar to the car reaction.
I Keep Dropping this Thing: Sometimes I get clumsy stone hands and I keep dropping or spilling something and the only way I can stop doing that is by yelling at the object that won’t stay in my hands. It has to be the object’s fault for trying to escape my grasp.
Watching the Sport Team I Don’t Like Lose: More than watching my favorite sport team win, I like watching a team I don’t like lose. I feel smug and warm inside. I especially like when the camera pans across the disappointed fans as they watch their team that I don’t like blow it. I almost call this feeling joy.
I Need a Cigarette: I am a slave to cigarettes. I know how bad they are for me and how much they will ruin my life in the near future, but I’m addicted to them badly. There are times when I go a good amount of time without a cigarette and I feel panic and anxiety swarm inside of me and I just need to get outside and light one up. It is especially bad when I’m waiting for the check, when I want to go on break, but customers start walking in and taking their time deciding what they want and asking insane questions and waiting for the other person to decide first before they commit to something and the other person is doing that exact thing and I almost want to yell, “Come on people! Pick something!” and by the time they have chosen their beverages another group of customers come in putting off my cigarette for several more minutes and after a bus ride that is taking too long.
Hasn’t Had Coffee: Another addiction I have is coffee. I am a grumpy fuck-face in the morning when I haven’t had coffee yet. This is not the time to bring up big life decisions, questions that require strategic answers, help you with anything or tell me that there is no coffee.
Everyone Wants to Text Me at the Same Time and Needs Answers: Every once in a while I’ll get three or four texts from three or four people at the same time and they need some sort of timely response and I just want to throw my phone against a brick wall. My phone is for passive social communications through social media and texts that don’t require much thought and timely response.
My Girlfriend Says Something Nice to Me: I love it. I get that warm feeling all over that I actually am a good person and that I am doing a good job.
My Girlfriend Doesn’t Say Something Nice to Me: Empty and concerned. Time to gather my dirty socks and my phone charger.
Everything is Going Great: You’d think that this would equal happiness, but this just means that I’m about to fuck everything up and my whole world is about to crumble around me. I get paranoid and anxious when things are going well and I start to try to guess what will go wrong first and preemptively fix it, which actually ends up causing the real trouble to start. I have a hard time letting good times happen.
There’s Not Enough Time: My biggest obstacle is letting time, and how much I have, dictate my emotional wellbeing. Sometimes it’s as little as has having to do laundry. I still think that laundry will take seventeen hours, so I put it off and off until I have no other option but do laundry and I am always surprised how little time it actually took. I also do this with writing, cleaning, calling someone back, texting someone back, eating, sleeping, going the bathroom and a handful of other activities that I feel cut into my day.
Dead Inside: Sometimes I just don’t feel anything. I wouldn’t say I’m stoic or depressed – I just don’t feel anything at all.
Dog Dies or Gets Hurt: I feel like crying like a baby and or wanting to avenge the dog’s death. I still want to fight or torture that cop who shot that Rottweiler in Hawthorne, California.
Depressed: When none of the above is happening.