I guess I’m a grown ass man. I’m not the young man I used to be. The nights are no longer extensions of day and days are no longer for sleeping. Hills and rooftops are no longer for sliding down. I am no longer immortal.
I saw a whale at the beach Saturday. I exclaimed, “A fucking whale!” I ran towards the surf and for a minute I thought I could jump in and swim out to the whale and ride on top of it. I stood at where the beach met the sea and watched it swim back and forth.
I went to a wedding on Friday. If there was celebrations that make me feel alienated and weird it is a wedding – even when I have friends there.
I haven’t been to work in a week and I’m always scared of what I’ll find there. How much has changed? Will I remember how to do what I have to do? Was I gone long enough to be replaced? How can I live life without working?
My parents bought a beach house. It is the most beautiful adorable little place ever. I felt like I was at a bed & breakfast, but instead of some couple I didn’t know it was my parents.
I hate seeing such irrelevant pop stars get so much attention. It reminds me that people are so scared of the unknown and are fine with this comfort of pop stars and reality TV stars and how much they fuck their lives up. There are people that make such great art and music in the world right now, but no one listens or sees their work. It’s too uncomfortable. It’s too complex. It’s too unknown. It’s not impossible to make anything original anymore; it is just hard to have people want anything original.
I am a lucky man. I have found a lady that has become a true partner in my life. Someone that is full of love, caring, understanding, funny, independent and real that allows me to be me. I trust her with out question and when I’m not with her, I miss her without jealousy or panic. I had given up on the idea of finding someone that I can grow a relationship with and I had become cold and dead inside, but now I’m warm and very much alive inside. I really love this woman.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I go smoke cigarettes and I hear how quiet it is in the world. A cyclist singing loud always ruins it.
So Hannah Montana acted slutty on stage, huh? How about the fact that we might send troops to Syria?
I am grateful to my family. I was such a burden and a nutcase growing up. Even after getting sober, it took me awhile to straighten myself out. They never gave up on me. They always stood by me and allowed me to grow up at my slow pace. My parents have accepted me and loved my unconditionally my entire life and I know that I am a minority in that. Sometimes I am excellent at showing my gratitude and other times I take them for granted, but they always are there for me. I know I’m a weird one to understand, but they did better than their best.
There is nothing more beautiful than wind through tall grass.
Summer may have ended. I’m excited to wear pants and sweaters again. I’m always alone in being excited for the long grey winter.