David Everett Fisher

Absurd.

January 12, 2014 rant

The Wolf of Cinema

I just saw Wolf of Wall Street, and I loved the movie, and the only problem with the movie was the people that were in the theatre with me. At one point in the middle of the movie I wanted to stand up and tell the projector to stop and turn the house lights on and give a speech on etiquette.

Etiquette isn’t some antiquated way of living life that is being forgotten because it’s outdated; it is being forgotten because of people’s entitlement issues. I was pissed. My movie experience was ruined because people were so selfish and self-centered that they weren’t even aware of what effects they had on other people.

Show Up On Time

When a movie starts at 9:30, which means show up a little early and find your seat and get situated before the lights go down and the curtains open up. I know that some people think that the previews mean they can show up at 9:45, 10 o’clock, but I am someone who enjoys the previews. Sometimes the previews are better than the movie I’m about to watch. Sometimes the preview is better than the movie it’s advertising.

If you absolutely must show up late than you have to be quick about getting to your seats and keep your fat head down so the people that respect time can enjoy the movie distraction free. I don’t want to watch you stand in front of me scanning for the perfect seat in the dark and then pick the ones in front of me and try to get your jacket off and whispering about other seats that might be available. I don’t want to be asked to move down a seat to make room for your lazy asses so you can sit together. I don’t want to have my toes stepped on while trying to watch the opening scene of the movie I paid $10 for.

Go The Bathroom Before the Movie

I watched this one lady last night that showed up late for the movie have to go the bathroom three times. That means she had to get up and shuffle around and leave and then come back. This disrupts my movie experience. If you have some kind of bladder control problem, sit in the aisle by the exit. Sorry, but sometimes handicaps require sacrifices on the behalf of the people around you.

Personal Space and Chair Functions

Yes, the chairs recline. Isn’t that nice. Kick back and take in the movie and stretch your legs and your back. If no one is in front of you, stick your legs out on the back of the chairs.

Do you lean back in your chair and feel resistance? That’s because you have found someone’s knees. Do you keep reclining and bumping those knees? You are an asshole. Do you not care that someone is in the seat in front of you and you put your feet on his or her chair? You should have been an abortion.

Learn about personal space, monkey. Be aware of the people around you and how you may impact their space with your comfort. I understand that some people need to completely change their environment for their comfort, but do so by not impeding on other people’s comfort.

Seriously, They Tell You Not To Text During The Movie A Bunch of Times

They put up signs and have two or three ads before the movie to not use your phone during the movie. I know that you aren’t talking on the phone, but the bright light is distracting. What is so important that you have to text during a movie? What couldn’t wait an hour and a half to two and a half hours? Are the North Koreans invading? Is your baby being born? Was your friend’s new boyfriend a total asshole? For two hours I am paying $10 to be taken to a new world and forgetting about mine. I am watching Leonardo DiCaprio do drugs like I’d like to and then this bright white light glows to my left. Why? WHY?!?

Turn it off. Don’t just put it on silent, turn the phone off. You will turn your phone on and it will let you know all the things you missed. You might be two hours late on the whole North Korean invasion thing, but at least you enjoyed a nice movie before the communist regime makes you a co-op farmer.

No One Cares That You Hate The Movie

Uh, oh, you are half an hour into the movie and it turns out that it sucks, so you start sighing and telling your friend about how dumb the movie is. You might be right, but that doesn’t mean you need to let the whole theatre know how critical you are. Maybe you’re wrong. Maybe you have no taste at all and think M. Night Shamallalala is the greatest director of all time. Either way, you should shut up and wait for the coffee and pie movie discussion afterwards. You can make your case there. You can start a dumb blog like this one and write your opinions for the ten Facebook friends that click on your link. Don’t talk during the movie.

Suspend Belief

This kind of goes with the last section, but is equally annoying. Sometimes a movie makes a mistake or does something that is impossible or it is different than the book. Don’t broadcast your findings during the movie. Just let the movie be. Some movies are just bad. Sometimes a continuity error gets by the editing and you, Sherlock Holmes, have found it. I may not have noticed it, so let me be in my dumb little world and enjoy the movie for what it is.

Books are great. I read a lot. I have read books that have been made into movies and TV shows. I don’t expect the movie to be like the book or how I perceived the book. It’s fun to me to see what the director did with the book. When a band covers a song I don’t want it to sound exactly like the original, I want the band to have its own flavor.

Just shut-up and start a blog. You’ll be made fun of a lot, but at least you can get your message out there instead of blabbering away during the movie.

If You Wanna Talk About Other Stuff, Leave

If the movie isn’t holding your attention or something serious is going on and you have to talk about it, a movie is not a good place to do that, so leave.

Manners are important to getting along in crowded places. Etiquette is how people get along and enjoy public activities together. Etiquette and Manners require thinking about other people and making sure you aren’t ruining other people’s night by being a self-absorbed jellyfish.

If this is something that you can’t do, wait for the movie to come out on DVD or online and watch it in the comfort of your own home. You can start anytime you want, talk during the movie, text and even talk on the phone, pause and go the bathroom as many times you want, critique it in real time and you won’t be bothering anyone.

3 to “The Wolf of Cinema”

  1. Tom McAvity says...

    Nothing get me angrier than poor theater etiquette and it has been on steep decline now for decades. I try to stay in I-Max theaters as much as possible, just to cut out crowd noise. All of this is maddening because the rules are so simple. The movie theater is my church, shut your dumb fucking mouth and keep your cheap shoes off the back of my chair.

  2. maurice says...

    And if you bring your small child and it stands on the chair next to you, in front of me and stares me in the face and you don’t tell him to sit the fuck down, I should be in my rights to punch him in the face.

  3. brae says...

    I call it the “This should be my moment” act. In which people take the spot light away from the featured entertainment because they think they could do it better. You see, mom and dad didn’t support their dreams for being in the arts, and were told that they need to be an enginner because acting/music isn’t a real job. This is the only opportunity that these sad fucks get to have a moment to shine. TO SHINE!!

Leave a Reply