David Everett Fisher

Absurd.

May 15, 2013 rant

Trying to Write in a Coffee Shop

The café. I always romanticize coming in and getting some coffee and sitting down at a table, open up my laptop and start typing away and getting all kinds of creative writing done. The only problem is when I get into the café; the people in the café ruin everything. Here are some of the people ruining my experience right now as I type this:

The Regular: This guy keeps getting up from his iPad and flirting with the girls behind the bar. He’s wearing some dumb fedora and a ringer t-shirt. He laughs loud and says really dumb things and laugh at his own joke. Earlier, I was on the phone with someone and we were talking about some restaurant in Washington D.C. and he starts talking to me about how he lived in Washington D.C. in the early 2000s. I smiled and nodded, but I wanted to say, I don’t give a flying fuck and then push him into on coming traffic.

Now he’s talking to a girl about the difference between two computer codes and I can tell from the look on her face that she wished he would stop.

The Acquaintance: This guy walked in who I met once or twice seven or eight years ago and he wants to catch up. I never cared about this person the first time and he really wants to catch up so he can tell me how awesome he became. He failed at this. He’s still boring and a dullard.

I hope I don’t run into him again because when he asked me what I was up to all these years I lied through my teeth. So if anyone asks, I’ve been working for a large security contractor doing jobs protecting oil refineries in North Western Africa.

Also, I bought a house in Lake Oswego.

Lying is fun.

Getting him to not talk to me anymore was not fun.

The Question and Request Lady: When I got here two older ladies were in front of me. One asked the other if she had been here before and she said she hadn’t and very professionally ordered an English breakfast tea. The one that had been here before asked questions about the syrups, and after hearing her options asked for the sugar free options again. She then asked about the milk options, which is on the board for her to read, but decided to have the girl goes over them anyway. She then asked which was better, the soy or the rice. The poor barista didn’t know, so the lady ordered non-fat milk. She ordered a non-fat, sugar free vanilla latte that was half decaf and wanted two Sweet & Lows added and asked for it to be extra hot. When the barista asked her what size, she stared at the cups on top of the espresso machine for a few minutes and ordered a medium, but then asked how many ounces that was. The barista then told her the total, and the lady then asked about what kind of bagels there were and what kind of schmear there was. She then asked how many calories there were in the cream cheese. My stomach protested loudly as I stood there shifting weight from foot to foot.

The lady before me order had made me feel guilty for ordering a sandwich. Then I had to sit near them while the long orderer talked about herself while the tea drinker stared out the window.

Coffee should be black.

The Phone Lady: As I sat typing away, a lady got a phone call. She was in her early 40s, but her ring was a Kanye West song. She let the phone ring so she could finish her sentence on her laptop. Then, as if we were in a wind tunnel listening to Dinosaur Jr. right next to the speakers, she began yelling into the phone about what she was doing today in intricate detail and what time she was going to be at Yoga. Everyone froze and gave her a look, but the idea that there was an outside world around her was beyond her. She also had her speaker up loud, so we could hear her friend also go over her day in intricate details. These ladies spent twenty minutes each saying they were doing nothing today. I think they were feeling guilty leading quite boring and aimless lives, so the explanation of stopping off at Trader Joe’s for a bottle of wine and some cheese needed to be admitted.

I started getting used to the conversation and the audible volume of her voice, so I went back to what I was writing, but then she stood up and started pacing the café and talking about some trip she is going on in July. She would end her pace right behind me and stop there for a few minutes and then walk back to the other side of the café. I really don’t like people standing right behind me for no reason and was grinding my teeth and balling up my fists and making my knuckles white.

She then sat back down to her computer and got off the phone and not five minutes later the Kanye West erupted into the café’s atmosphere like a chainsaw through a summer camper. Here we go again.

Kids: The café I’m in is kid friendly, so I up my kid tolerance before getting here, but sometimes the kids act out beyond the call of youthful duty. They were running through the café chasing each other and their voices hitting that annoying level in volume and pitch. They kept bumping my chair and hitting my table causing my coffee to spill. The parents are all huddled on the couches having a great conversation and as long as the terror and scorched earth damage happens inside the café, they were content in ignoring their kids’ behaviors and the damage they were causing.

Note to self: get condoms, get a vasectomy or just dip my balls in a bucket of acid.

I do get a kick of how different parents talk to their kids. I love the ones that address their kids the way they would an age appropriate peer. Others talk to their kids like they are too scared of reality to deal with a normal voice and prefer to use baby talk or cartoon talk.

The Table Hog: There is this guy who has two tables covered in his stuff even though the café is filled and is taking up a good seat that is near an outlet. He has philosophy books all over and is writing something amazing, but when I walked by I noticed he was just trolling Facebook.

Some woman asked if she could sit at his second campsite and he threw a silent temper tantrums as he gather up his stuff in jerky movements. Then while she was sitting there reading a book and sipping a drink, he would look over at her in annoyed anger.

I almost had a talk with him.

The Chess Champ: If the guy sitting by himself with a set up chess board looks at me with a silent invitation again, I’m going show him my real life knight move across his face with my fist. Nose, neck then ear.

There are small other annoyances, but those have been the biggest ones. The only benefit I’ve got working here at the café is this blog post. Thank you people that have no grasp on how their behavior affects other people for the inspiration I needed.

Start working from home only.

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