On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Again, I wrote a new meditation because the original one wasn’t great. I kept it below for archiving purposes, but it was a joke that wasn’t pulled off very well and was sexist, despite my trying to poke fun at sexism, so I went with something completely different. I was going to try to save it, and that is why I’m falling for Bugs Bunny in drag in the illustration.
Meditation for May 31st
The Cave
Plato, the smartest jock ever, had an allegory in which people were chained in a deep, dark cave with a fire behind them. Actors acted out scenes while voicing what was going on, and the chained people accepted this as their reality. They had never been outside to see what was real and what was being shown to them as fake. Not only that, but they couldn’t see any other truth being chained there.
And while we think that unlocking these poor prisoners and bringing them out into the light of the sun would solve their issues, the prisoners would be blinded by the sun and unwilling to accept the new things that are real. They want to crawl back into the cave and lock themselves up because their fake reality is more comfortable and small. Ignorance is bliss, even if it’s in chains.
This allegory has been referred to for many things. The original allegory was more based on education and what access we have to discovering the truth, and how painful it is to see reality as the blinding sun shows us the infinite universe, and how many things we might never understand. We are small and insignificant. In this meditation, we will be using the allegory of the internet and social media, and prisoners are watching the shadows of the other prisoners, looking at the shadows of the puppets.
It’s an illusion of an illusion of an illusion of an illusion!
We are force-fed reality through our screens and accept it as reality, and we start comparing our souls to the shiny exterior of these shadows flickering on the cave walls. And like the allegory, these illusions have puppet masters: companies, advertising, and the government trying to spin our realities by showing us hate, unattainable beauty, wealth just in reach but not quite, and other things missing in our lives.
Sometimes the internet gets meta, and we become the monster who realizes the waiter and the maitre’d are the stoner and the dog we were chasing all along. We get a glimpse of the actors in our peripheral vision, and instead of being angered, we joke about it and continue to watch. Haha, nothing is real!
While it hurts to come out into the sunlight of reality and knowledge, our eyes will adjust, and we begin to accept where we were and are now. We are dope sick from the comfort of being chained in the cave, being force fed our realities, but once we get through that, we will be free of our bondage, and we will have a real chance at happiness.
Prayer
Plato,
Release me from my bondage,
So I can finally have a clearer picture of the truth,
Of my reality,
So I can see what is there and not what they want me to see,
Let me get used to the sunlight so I can gain actual knowledge,
Or at least what I can,
For the universe is infinite, and I can only learn a finite amount,
But please don’t let me fall for that cave again.
Amen.
Craft
On a hot, sunny day, go sit on a rock in a rushing river. Don’t bring your phone or anything. Just sit there all day while the river rushes by, and let your anxiety and fears wash away downstream and into the sea, for you are perfect the way you are.
Goal
Know that the internet and social media are propaganda to keep you chained in the cave, thinking an illusion is reality. Break the chains!
Meditation for May 31st
11 Ways You Know You’ve Found the Woman of Your Wildest Dreams
Hey, fellas, if you find a chick with even half of these qualities, put a ring on that! A good woman is hard to find, amirite?
She is smart
There is nothing sexier than a woman who knows stuff. You want to be with someone to whom you don’t have to keep explaining how the world works. The dumb girl bit is so old and tired; let the boys have those, but for me, a nice pair of bright pants is the way into my pants.
She is hot
That’s right, number 2 is how hot she is. There are a lot of smart girls out there, and there are a lot of hot girls, but smart AND hot? That is a combo of dreams. You want to talk, but you also want to get naked. You’ll have to see this girl in the morning, so make sure she’s a 10 and not an ouch!
She is kind and nurturing.
You might get this broad preggers, so make sure she has that maternal instinct, and it is also nice if she knows how to take care of you. Smart, hot, and knows how to cook! Sign me up!
She is passionate
You don’t want to spend your entire relationship on a couch watching Netflix and literally chillin’, you want someone who is into having adventures and knows how to keep things exciting, if you know what I mean.
She makes you feel her love
It’s nice if a woman shows you how much she loves you, so you aren’t up all night wondering if she’s that into you. Pick a borderline chick. Those kinda girls are challenging and can get kinda scary sometimes, but you will never doubt that she isn’t having some feeling for you-negative is still passion, right?
She’s open to compromises
Don’t get some chick who has to be right all the time or spends her day on some girl quest. A good woman knows when to make compromises to keep her man. So when he wants a threesome, stop looking at it in the jealousy women are objects kind of way and start talking your hot friends into joining in.
Being around her feels like home
It should because you moved into her place after you two made love the first night. If you change your mind or mess up the relationship, this could make you homeless, but home is where your toothbrush is.
She balances strong and feminine perfectly
She looks hot in lingerie, and she knows the hockey score. You don’t want some girly-girl and you don’t want some tomboy, but a nice balance. Nothing is more annoying than explaining downs in football every fall. Right, guys?
She’s not suffocating but isn’t afraid to get involved
She lets you do whatever you want until you need her help. You want a woman who won’t bother you but is always available. ALWAYS AVAILABLE! Too much of a life outside the relationship will hinder her will to serve and give her crazy ideas when her girlfriends start talking about their men.
She’s got a cracking sense of humor
This means a girl who knows that one of her jobs is to laugh at all your jokes. ALL OF THEM! Yes, even those jokes. A girl should have self-deprecating humor, but don’t make fun of your man in God’s name! Please take a little heat now and then when he’s feeling low and needs to be cool in front of his friends, but don’t try to talk back.
She oozes sex appeal
A woman should be sexy all the time. If you’re looking for a woman who can do dishwashing, cooking, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, fixing the PS5, handling the bookies, or whatever else a girl does in a day, sex, then you’ve found the one.
Put a ring on it, gents!