Cracked Pot Meditations – Angel Hunting

On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.

Meditation for August 25th

Angel Hunting

Angels are a formidable game. They do not understand death the way we mortals do, so guns and sharp pointy things will not end an angel. An angel must be baited, tricked into coming to earth, trapped, and then killed.

Angles are also hard to hunt because of their humanoid appearance. They look like human, but better. They also mimic human emotions, so they can appear sad or scared, but this is just a copy, much like a parrot repeating words it has heard.

If an angel is on earth, it will seem extra sensitive. They will be overwhelmed by their senses of sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell, as well as their intuition. They will be enthralled by the smallest wonder like a breeze, a softly played piano from some house nearby, the scent of honeysuckle, the feeling of raindrops on the top of the head. Angels come from the “walls” of space and time, so they don’t experience the world we do. When they are here, they try to live at our speed and experience this wonder that their Father made for their younger brothers and sisters.

Angels can be guardians to humans, but they feast on the ending timeline of a human. When your physical form dies, an angel eats your timeline, hence the absence of an afterlife.

If enough angels are hunted, then an afterlife can begin again.

How to attract an angel.

Angels have an affinity for classic arts like painting, sculpture, poetry, and dance. They have been known to float at the ceilings of concert halls to listen to symphonies. Lord Byron once said that John Keats caught 47 angels with his poetry. New art, or a modern take on classic art, has no attraction to angels. They see it for what it is: an awful attempt to do art.

Angels also really love having sex with humans, but only beautiful ones. This will only work if you’re hot or if you know someone who is who wouldn’t mind being your ‘decoy’ while you hide in a blind and tooting your angel call.

Hospices are also great places to find angels as they wait outside the dimension of time for a timeline to cease and then eat. If you see a beautiful person outside a hospice, hospital, or old person’s home and they are drooling, chances are, they are an angel waiting for a timeline to eat.

Trapping the angel

The surefire way to trap an angel is to use the ancient perfume, Qeres. This is a scent that the pharaohs had buried with them in their tombs. When a mortal smells the sweet aroma, they feel like they are in paradise. They do not worry about the past, nor do they even care about the future. They see everything as it is at the exact moment that it is being seen. They feel no shame for their body, nor do they feel any inadequacies in their wisdom; they are just perfect the way they are. This will dissipate in about 12 minutes. An angel who smells it will become stunned.

A note about half angels: in the time after the expulsion of Adam & Eve from Eden to the time of the great flood, angels walked this earth. Angels also copulated with humans and reproduced. These humans, who were not killed by the flood, have a trace of nephilim genes in their bodies. They are attracted to the same things that angels are, but just aren’t as sensitive. They will have both reactions to Qeres, so be careful. The Nazis were trying to create an afterlife by ridding the universe of its angels, but were only mass murdering those with the nephilim gene. They meant well, oops.

The other way is to clip their wings. Either remove the wings by their roots or cut them back just enough to prevent flight. A flying angel is an immortal angel, so it’s essential to clip those wings if you want to succeed in decorating your den with an angel head.

Killing the angel

The only proper way is a bullet or knife laced with Qeres. If the angel is winged or isn’t stunned already by Qeres, the angel will only be wounded, but two shots or two stabs of Qeres will do the trick. A wounded angel doesn’t go down easily.

A wounded angel will do some strange things to get back at you. They will make your coworkers sick, causing them to call out, and you’ll have to work extra hard. They will also make buses run late. They will make your car not work. They will slow down your computer. They will make your calls drop. They will make your significant other distant and moody. They will make your body odor worse than usual. They will make you wipe after pooping, never-ending.

So make sure you finish that angel off before your life becomes one long chain of annoying events.

Tags

You will need to buy tags from a Catholic Priest. They are $12 a season. Season is August 15th, 2016 to March 17th, 2017. Only seven angels per season. No archangels.

How to make Qeres

7 cups of Myrrh

7 cups of Cassia

1 cup of Camphor oil

3tbs of Ox fat

1 tbsp Cedar oil

A pinch of Cinnamon

6 whole limes

A sprig of mint

a sprig of myrtle

One daisy chain

Frankincense bottled smoke

A pinch of salt

The powdered heart of royal blood

Angel Recipes

Preheat the oven to 275 degrees F.
Generously salt and pepper the angel roast.
Heat the olive oil in a large pot or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add the halved onions to the pot, browning them on both sides. Remove the onions to a plate. Throw the carrots into the same very hot pot and toss them around a bit until slightly browned, about a minute or so. Reserve the carrots with the onions. If needed, add a bit more olive oil to the very hot pot. Place the angel in the pot and sear it for about a minute on all sides until it is nicely browned all over. Remove the angel roast to a plate.
With the burner still on high, use either red wine or beef broth (about 1 cup) to deglaze the pot, scraping the bottom with a whisk. Place the angel back into the pot and add enough angel stock to cover the angel meat halfway. Add in the onions and the carrots, along with the fresh herbs.
Put the lid on, then roast for 3 hours for a 3-pound angel roast. For a 4 to 5-pound angel roast, plan on 4 hours. The angel roast is ready when it’s fall-apart tender.

1. Preheat oven to 210 degrees F (100 degrees C).
2. Sprinkle dry rub generously on all sides of the angel roast and place the angel into a heavy pan or Dutch oven.
3. Pour 1/4 teaspoon of liquid smoke flavoring into each of two 6-ounce ramekins; fill ramekins with 1/2 cup of water each. Place ramekins into the Dutch oven on either side of the angel. Place the lid onto the Dutch oven.
4. Roast the angel in the preheated oven until very tender, 12 hours. Remove the angel from the Dutch oven, place it onto a work surface (such as a cutting board), and separate the angel meat from the bone using your fingers. Discard any large pieces of fat.
5. Roughly chop angel with a large knife or cleaver; drizzle with 3/4 cup barbecue sauce—season with salt and black pepper.
6. Spread about 1 tablespoon of barbecue sauce onto each bun and pile the angel on the buns to serve.

For the angel: Begin by setting up an assembly line of dishes. Mix the milk with the eggs in one; the flour mixed with the seasoned salt, 1 1/2 teaspoons black pepper, paprika, and cayenne in another; and the angel meat in a third. Then have one clean plate at the end to receive the breaded angel.
Work with one piece of angel at a time. Sprinkle both sides with kosher salt and black pepper, then place them in the flour mixture. Turn to coat. Place the angel meat into the milk/egg mixture, turning to coat. Finally, place it back in the flour and turn to coat (dry mixture/wet mixture/dry mixture). Place the breaded angel on the clean plate, then repeat with the remaining pieces of angel.
Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the butter. Add a few sprinkles of flour to ensure it’s sufficiently hot. When the butter sizzles immediately, you know it’s ready. (It should not brown right away; if it does, the fire is too hot.) Cook the angel, three pieces at a time, until the edges start to look golden brown, about 2 minutes each side. Remove the angel pieces to a paper towel-lined plate and keep them warm by covering lightly with another plate or a sheet of foil. Continue cooking until all the angel meat is done.
After the whole angel is fried, pour off the grease into a heatproof bowl. Without cleaning the skillet, please return it to the stove over medium-low heat. Add 1/4 cup of the grease back to the skillet and allow it to heat up.
For the gravy: When the grease is hot, sprinkle the flour evenly over the grease. Using a whisk, mix the flour with the angel’s grease, creating a golden-brown paste. Add more flour if it looks overly greasy; add a little more grease if it becomes too pasty/clumpy. Keep cooking until the roux reaches a deep golden brown color.
Pour in the milk, whisking constantly. Add the seasoned salt and black pepper to taste and cook, whisking, until the gravy is smooth and thick, 5 to 10 minutes. Be prepared to add more milk if it becomes overly thick. Be sure to taste to make sure the gravy is sufficiently seasoned.
Serve the angel next to a big side of mashed potatoes. Pour gravy over the whole divine dish!

Yum!