Meditation for January 31st
Be An Example
Living a spiritual life means we go out into the world and apply what we’ve learned in our meditations. It’s easy to sit in deep contemplation and feel that rush of warmth and calmness wash over us as we think of nothing in an empty room, but just put one other person in there who sweats a lot, doesn’t believe in deodorant and smells like plastic burning a skunk and breaths with an open mouth – heavily, and all enlightenment goes out the dojo. We must overcome others if we wish to feel enlightened.
Here is a list of qualities we must have as celestial pilgrims to be other-minded.
Never face the person right on. Stand at a 45-degree angle with your head towards the person.
Look right at their eyebrows. They think you are looking them in the eye, but as they slowly talk to you, they’ll feel off as you stare at their eyebrows. See the wax job, the plucks, the grow-backs, the extra-long one, and the monobrow.
Human touch is vital. While making a point, lightly poke the person in the stomach with your index finger. Just enough to make contact and do it several times as you explain your spiritual path.
Speak in third person. This is the most humble way to talk about you, for we are all illusions anyway. Use your full name. “David Everett Fisher finds your view on the plight of people of color’s complicated relationship with the police to be funny. David Everett Fisher must LOL. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!”
Never apologize. This is admitting that God has made a colossal mistake when He was fucking around with clay and bones and shit, so instead of you being in a position to apologize, yell, “GOD!?! CHANGE REALITY NOW AND MAKE THIS RIGHT!” as loud as you can.
If the person needs comfort, drop to your knees and put your head between their knees so that their knees are touching your ears, and then hug their legs so that it is painfully squeezing your head to squeeze their grief out of them and into your God-Conscious mind.
If someone questions your beliefs, cut a Joker smile on their face with the knife you should have on you at all times.
Prayer
Sweet Child O Mine,
allow me to be an example
of your might, your strength, your mercy, your silly collection of Dukes of Hazard lunchboxes,
and let me show them the one true path,
in a world covered in darkness,
and wicked rain,
and cold, selfish winds.
Mr. Brownstone,
Be my guide,
As I travel the world, full of your people, it isn’t your fault, for you gave them the tools to be better people. Still, most people don’t use those tools and instead act like foolish apes who would rather be proper, necessary, and have more than others than help anyone, even if they spend a lot of time posting things on their social media pages that they do, but really knowing shit is fucked up and not doing anything about it is not helping. We all know what’s wrong; we disagree on some of the solutions, but really, the deal is doing it. But hey, what do I know? I’m David Everett Fisher, and I have my own blog, so that makes me as powerful as the Drudge Report.
Let me be okay in a crowd,
and let me forgive those who try to bully the world.
Amen.
Craft.
There is a series of movies called The Human Centipede. I think it would be really adorable to do the centipede to certain cute animals. Try one from this list.
Kitty Centipede!
Armadillo Centipede!
Hedgehog Centipede!
Pomeranian Puppy Centipede!
Red Panda Centipede!
Corgi Centipede!
Owlet Centipede! (Maybe still able to fly?)
Dudes that dress like Lemmy from Motörhead in 2016 sipping a flavored mocha at Stumptown Centipede!
Be creative! All kinds of adorable animals would look great strung together. You can even make a charm Centipede for a loved one with their totem or other animals that represent them and your relationship. Fun!
Remember, the animals have to live to be a true Centipede.
Goal
Be an example of what you unfortunately look like. You can ruin someone’s whole perception of a race or a metal sub-genre by acting like a selfish baby at the gym. Be kind and compassionate – unless you want your thing to be an asshole, since that hasn’t really been beaten to death, being an asshole and saying things like, “Hey! I’m an asshole, what can I say?” or “Oh, you should know better than open yourself up for ridicule, I’m an asshole!” People will take your asshole thing as new and refreshing, laugh with you, and hold you in high regard.