On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for July 13th
Chakra Clogs
Human beings have seven chakras. When flowing correctly, we are united with the universe. Sometimes our chakras get clogged, and we have to use a spiritual hair remover to get rid of those clogs. You may be wondering how we know if some gooey hairball blocks our chakras, and it’s when you don’t feel right.
Here are the different chakras, their clogs, and how to roto-root those clogs.
Root Chakra
Red
This is centered on your hoo-haw; this is the chakra that keeps you from hurtling into outer space.
When our hoo-haw is blocked, you become fearful, anxious & you doubt yourself.
Recipe to unblock the root chakra is to eat carrots, do the running man, or masturbate – or a combination of the three at the same time.
Sacral chakra
Orange
This chakra is right below your cute little belly button. Boop. It is in charge of your libido and passion.
When this puppy gets blocked, you become uncomfortably numb. You also become detached like Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, who spends his time trying to be a real person but never quite getting it. Usually, people from private schools have a permanent block to the sacral chakra.
Quit wallowing in your post-humanism, and get yourself some help. Learn to accept the things you don’t have power over. Eat mustard, watch movies that star Michael Dudikoff, and drunk-dial old teachers and profess your love.
Solar Plexus chakra
Yellow
This is at the base of your boobs. This chakra aligns with our self-esteem, financial ambition, and dominance over other creatures. Strong leaders puff out their chest because their Solar Plexus chakra is so strong.
A blocked Solar Plexus leaves you with low self-esteem, fearing rejection by the person you’ve been dating for a year, and you’re pretty sure you’re going to be fired all the time.
Launch yourself into a bed of roses, thorns and all, bleed and smell the sweet fragrances of the soft, dewy petals.
Heart chakra
Green
Surprise, motherfucker! This one is between the boobies! The Heart chakra is in charge of all the mushy shit like love, sincerity, and acceptance.
This is the most common blocked chakra, as its blockage typically leads to broken relationships, disconnection from humanity, and profound loneliness.
Once broken, the Heart chakra can never be repaired. To keep it from being broken, try to stay naive as long as possible about the dark nature of the human soul.
Throat chakra
Periwinkle
The creative chakra. This is the one that drives your desire to create and show your creations to others. This is our God chakra, for we become little creators, making our vast universes.
The blockage of the throat chakra leads to lies, dishonest existence, saying and not doing, and being critical of those who create instead of consume. The Throat chakra makes one consume all it can, only to be lodged in our throats, choking us on the never-satisfied consumer fire.
Create rather than consume.
Third Eye chakra
Blue
The third eye is the chakra that leads us on the timeline we are meant to travel. It sees the future, and when we open it, we can see the right decisions we need to make for our soul to satisfy her mortal commitments.
Cognitive thinking problems, memory loss, nightmares, and being lost in finding one’s way in life are all symptoms of a blocked third eye.
Concentrate on the tiniest speck of dust for as long as you can. Only think about that speck of dust and wonder about its existence. Why does it exist? Are there whole universes between the molecules in that speck of dust? Is that speck of dust on a worthy mission such as I am? You might be surprised to find out that this speck of dust has a much more critical, worthy existence than you.
Sneeze.
Crown chakra
Purple
Here is the part that touches our creators. Some wear hats to numb the powerful gaze our creators have on our lives. It doesn’t stop our creators from watching us masturbate. The Crown chakra is our divine harmony and unity with the universe. This is our place: everywhere. Either we are everything or we are nothing.
When blocked, we feel depressed and feel that life has no meaning but to grow to a certain age and then die, and when we die, we lose no soul; just shit our pants.
We must not have anything we aren’t okay losing. We must sell the house, the car, and the wife and kids. We must start a cult in the deep, humid jungles of Cambodia. We will wait for a man to come and end all this horror.
The horror.
The horror.