On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Below, you will see two meditations. The first one, the dark, angry one, was written recently, but changed into a meditation since it was there. I did this because the second one, the original mediation written in 2016, was about a series of missing dog posters seen not only all over Portland, Oregon, but also all over Facebook. This cutie patootie dachshund captured everyone’s hearts as real and imagined sightings sprang up all over Facebook as we wished him a safe return to his owners. He was found so that you can put that box of tissues away. I just kept it here for archival purposes.
Meditation for May 11th
The One and a Half Party System
While there is voting every year, even twice a year, it doesn’t truly hit the minds of most Americans until it’s presidential season. Whenever it’s time to choose a new president, “they” say it’s the most important election yet. We are choosing between evil and a lesser evil.
While there are choices for third-party candidates, “they” will tell you that voting for them will throw your vote away or help the worse of the two candidates because, let’s face it, we only have two parties—or just one and a half.
The Republicans are awful. I won’t spend time on them because I don’t have many of them in my readership, so talking trash about someone who isn’t read by this will be a waste of time, so I will focus on the worst of the two: the Democrats. They say they are the opposite of the Republicans, but they share almost every Republican policy, and in the few policies that they do differ, this is used as fundraising blackmail against us.
“David! Help, this is Joe (Biden), and we need $5 to keep abortion from being illegal. Never mind that the Democrats have had the super majority twice and could have used the congress to codify Roe vs Wade into law, but instead shrug our shoulders and send these emails instead. In fact, we make more money losing than winning! Please, give us money, and we’ll paint a rainbow on all the bombs we are sending to Israel and Ukraine.”
So we find ourselves with a ratchet system for our parties: the Republicans go further right and the Democrats make sure we don’t go further left. In the last election, Harris literally ran as a Reagan worshiper.
Prayer
Oracles of Delphi
I implore you, in all your wisdom
Why can’t we have an accurate representation?
While some believe that not that long ago we did –
We never did
Why are we choosing between two people who are the same?
Why do the same people fund them if they aren’t the same?
Instead of the two bozos every four years,
Why not a different system?
If communism doesn’t work, why do we spend trillions on stopping it?
O! Great Oracle, send us a prophecy that isn’t so dark
Craft
Get a glass bottle
Fill it with a mixture of gasoline, ethanol, and a little tar
(You can get creative with the above mixture. Look under the sink, kids!)
Make a hole in the glass bottle’s cap or hollow out the right-sized stopper. Cork is good, but rubber is better.
Seal with strong tape. Duct tape would work best, but electric tape is excellent, too. Any insulated tape will do the trick.
Cover the bottle with the tape too, or put it in a sock or fabric.
You can use matches fastened to the bottle’s stopper, a wick from a candle, or cloth soaked in excellent, but you don’t want it to go too fast before you can get it far away from you.
Revolution.
Goal
Stop thinking that one person every four years will be the savior to dismantle the evils the other person has done for the last four years. There has never ever been an American politician who has had your best interest in mind – ever.
No, Brat Summer or Red Ball Cap is going to actually help the little people from being victimized, and the few will gain more control of all the world’s resources to sell to us for survival. The goal is to remember that we are many and they are few.
The last election, the lesser of the two evils was committing genocide, so stop looking to them for the answer.
Meditation for May 11th
Doug
If you live in the Portland, Oregon area and are an avid user of the Facebook site, you might know Doug the red-headed Dachshund from his missing posters. There is a reward, phone number, a tracker from Doug sightings that almost reaches 20,000, and flyers all over Portland in real life. What is so crucial about Doug? Why don’t people get this concerned about other missing dogs?
Breed privilege. Doug is from a German breed, while the dog-finding media ignore dogs like American Terriers, Rhodesian Ridgebacks, and Black Labs. Dogs from smaller aristocratic breeds garner much more community cooperation because of their tiny bodies and big, sad eyes. Doug does not possess the look of a cold-blooded killer like an American Staffordshire terrier, American Bulldog, or a Yellow Lab.
This is as sick as watching Americans put French and Belgian flags on their profile pictures to be in solidarity with those countries after being attacked by terrorists, but ignoring the thousands killed in Nigeria, Libya, Egypt, Syria, Yemen, Iraq, Tunisia, Algeria, India, or Pakistan. Doug is the French flag of Facebook bigotry.
Why is Doug running away? What is he so scared of? Is it cats? Is it those stink bugs that Portland now has? Are the owners forcing Doug to adopt a gluten-free vegan diet? Doug is trying to get attention. His puppy allure wore off, so he decided to teach his human a lesson and search for his fortune in Portland’s northeast Numbers.
Prayer
Doug,
Please go home.
Please go homeward bound like Chance, Shadow, and Sassy.
Your eyes are melting hearts all over Facebook,
And on several telephone poles in the Portland area.
Please go home.
You have a couch and a bed,
And if you weren’t allowed on them before,
You’ll be able to sleep on whatever soft thing you wish.
Go home, Doug.
You’ll be able to eat large chunks of steak and lamb,
And if you didn’t like your dry kibble before,
Try the delicious, meaty food your owners will spoil if you go home!
Imagine all the toys you’ll get to chew and make squeak?
Doug.
Go home.
Go home, Doug.
Please?
C’mon, boy!
You’re a good boy!
Who’s a good boy?
Doug’s a good boy!
Amen.
Craft
Sometimes, you must get creative to get people to pay attention to missing pet posters. I suggest jumping on the fake show bandwagon. After a phony concert of Limp Bizkit playing at a Sunoco gas station in Dayton, Ohio, other shows of washed-up acts playing live shows at strange locations were advertised.
Here are some ideas for posters you could make with an ad for your missing pet on the bottom.
The Smiths are playing at the U-Stop Convenience Shop on North 17th in Lincoln, Nebraska with Tears for Fears, Devo and the Cure. Also, Doug is missing.
See? A bunch of funny has been bands that no one cares about because they are old and have a few radio hits and look weird now playing a shitty gas station convenience store in a rural city far from any coast.
South Park on Ice at the New Lloyd Center in Portland, Oregon and Missing: Doug
Cherry Poppin’ Daddy, Floater, Jolly Mon and Poison Idea live at the Taco Time on 21st St in Lewiston, Idaho and also missing: Doug.
Motley Crüe, Guns N’ Roses, Poison, and Def Leppard live at the Chicken King on East Prudhomme Ln in Opelousas, Louisiana! Missing: Doug!
See? Nostalgia will help you find your dog faster.
Make me some sweet fake rock posters and incorporate Doug in them. Fun craft time!
Goal
Go home, Doug!