On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for May 12th
Doug
If you live in the Portland, Oregon area and are an avid user of the Facebook site, you might know Doug the red-headed Dachshund from his missing posters. There is a reward, phone number, a tracker from Doug sightings that almost reaches 20,000, and flyers all over Portland in real life. What is so crucial about Doug? Why don’t people get this concerned about other missing dogs?
Breed privilege. Doug is from a German breed, while the dog-finding media ignore dogs like American Terriers, Rhodesian Ridgebacks, and Black Labs. Dogs from smaller aristocratic breeds garner much more community cooperation because of their tiny bodies and big, sad eyes. Doug does not possess the look of a cold-blooded killer like an American Staffordshire terrier, American Bulldog, or a Yellow Lab.
This is as sick as watching Americans put French and Belgian flags on their profile pictures to be in solidarity with those countries after being attacked by terrorists, but ignoring the thousands killed in Nigeria, Libya, Egypt, Syria, Yemen, Iraq, Tunisia, Algeria, India, or Pakistan. Doug is the French flag of Facebook bigotry.
Why is Doug running away? What is he so scared of? Is it cats? Is it those stink bugs that Portland now has? Are the owners forcing Doug to adopt a gluten-free vegan diet? Doug is trying to get attention. His puppy allure wore off, so he decided to teach his human a lesson and search for his fortune in Portland’s northeast Numbers.
Prayer
Doug,
Please go home.
Please go homeward bound like Chance, Shadow, and Sassy.
Your eyes are melting hearts all over Facebook,
And on several telephone poles in the Portland area.
Please go home.
You have a couch and a bed,
And if you weren’t allowed on them before,
You’ll be able to sleep on whatever soft thing you wish.
Go home, Doug.
You’ll be able to eat large chunks of steak and lamb,
And if you didn’t like your dry kibble before,
Try the delicious, meaty food your owners will spoil if you go home!
Imagine all the toys you’ll get to chew and make squeak?
Doug.
Go home.
Go home, Doug.
Please?
C’mon, boy!
You’re a good boy!
Who’s a good boy?
Doug’s a good boy!
Amen.
Craft
Sometimes, you must get creative to get people to pay attention to missing pet posters. I suggest jumping on the fake show bandwagon. After a phony concert of Limp Bizkit playing at a Sunoco gas station in Dayton, Ohio, other shows of washed-up acts playing live shows at strange locations were advertised.
Here are some ideas for posters you could make with an ad for your missing pet on the bottom.
The Smiths are playing at the U-Stop Convenience Shop on North 17th in Lincoln Nebraska with Tears for Fears, Devo and the Cure. Missing: Doug.
See? A bunch of funny has been bands that no one cares about because they are old and have a few radio hits and look weird now playing a shitty gas station convenience store in a rural city far from any coast.
South Park on Ice at the New Lloyd Center in Portland, Oregon and Missing: Doug
Cherry Poppin’ Daddy, Floater, Jolly Mon and Poison Idea live at the Taco Time on 21st St in Lewiston, Idaho and also missing: Doug.
Motley Crüe, Guns N’ Roses, Poison, and Def Leppard live at the Chicken King on East Prudhomme Ln in Opelousas, Louisiana! Missing: Doug!
See? Nostalgia will help you find your dog faster.
Make me some sweet fake rock posters and incorporate Doug in them. Fun craft time!
Goal
Go home, Doug!