On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for August 24th
Dream Glossary
When we dream, our subconscious springs to life and tries to figure out the universe’s mysteries. Dreams rely on images that spell out the universe’s language. When we are struggling with our awake life, our subconscious takes over after we drift off to sleep and tries to solve the problem.
The problem is that we have become so disconnected from our subconscious and even stopped studying our myths and legends that define these symbols and what they mean.
These are some of the most common images and what they mean in our dreams.
Being chased
You are either not doing something you are supposed to, or you have borrowed some karma, and the karma police are coming to get you. In dreams, we are literally in a world outside of time and space, so when we are, we are not immune to the laws of the universe. A karma debt is a karma debt, and the karma police will come and collect.
Taking this dream into our waking life means examining how we impose our will on the world and fail to show up where we are supposed to be. The universe has already decided our path, but it has also given us free will. When we choose to deviate from the prophetic path, we are pursued by the karma police.
One of my favorite Coldplay songs is Karma Police.
Water
This is the extent of our emotional well-being. Clear freshwater or blue Tropical seawater means you are a sociopath who doesn’t feel empathy for others, and so you live in paradise and comfort. Fast river water or crashing waves mean you are a normal person dealing with the inconsistency of other people. Murky flood water or being in a sea storm means you are in full panic or anxiety-ridden. A desert means you are a real asshole who seems to burn every bridge you build. Pay attention to the water in your dreams.
Vehicles
Transportation plays a pivotal role in our dreams, letting us know what direction and how strongly we’ll get there. Planes usually mean we are in complete control, we will achieve our goals on our own terms, and we fly above all other people. Boats are isolated and scary, so we look for ports to find safety. We will have to battle the ocean to get there. Boat pilots tend to be those of us who take on the whole world’s problems. Boat pilots will actually think the whole system will collapse without us. Cars are just selfish, world-destroying monsters, and we dream about them breaking down. Pay attention to cars and their direction. We never have enough dream gas.
People
We are all so self-absorbed that when we dream of people, we aren’t dreaming of those people, but they are aspects of us! So when you tell your significant other that you had a dream about them, you actually were using them to be an aspect of you! You’re actually being cruel by saying you have dreams of people. If your lover is being mean to you in your dream, it’s you being mean to yourself. If you dream of people not being able to see you, then you aren’t seeing yourself.
Classroom
If you are dreaming of school or a classroom, you aren’t learning a lesson. You are too dense or not willing to let go of whatever you think is important, that isn’t that important, to let go. This is being in front of or in the middle of a room of your peers. They are your judges. Learn the lesson already! Let go of that stupid thing you’re hanging on to! Your subconscious is so tired of you caring about stuff that really doesn’t matter. Being cool, good-looking, and fitting in doesn’t matter at the end of the day.
Paralysis
When you dream of being paralyzed, this is when the plugs in your Matrix pod are being replaced. Every few weeks, the embryonic fluid in your pod needs to be drained and replaced, so this will make you paralyzed. This is the only time we know we are never in reality by feeling these few minutes of reality. The whole world is your subconscious, creating a world for you to understand. One is the world you know as “awake,” and the other is your dream cycles. All the things that bother you, like politics, religion, people being dumb, other drivers, and all the other things that annoy you, are you making it up? You are pathetic that you can’t create a perfect world, so you create a shitty, imperfect world because you need to live in constant drama! It’s all a simulation, dude.
Death
Dying in your own dream means you’re about to be dumped, fired, evicted, or deported. Someone you love dying means you are tired of them, so you wish they were dead, even if you are really sad in your dream. Dreaming that someone who has died in real life visits you in your dream as alive means RUN! IT’S A FUCKING GHOST COMING TO MURDER YOU BY STRIPPING YOUR SKIN OFF AND TURNING IT INTO JERKY OR WEARING IT AND MAKING EVERYONE BELIEVE THEY ARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAUUUGGHH!!!!!!
Flying
This means you aren’t having enough sex. Go out and buy sex.
Falling
Falling slowly, serenely, is a sign of letting go. Falling out of control from high up to your death is a sign that you are in need of a lot of roast beef cheddar from Arby’s. Don’t fall to your death, eat Arby’s! Want nice dreams? Eat at Arby’s. I never have nightmares or night terrors after eating at Arby’s minutes before going to sleep. Sometimes I wake up and there is a little piece of roast beef and horsie sauce on my nipple. Mmmmmmh, breakfast hors d’ouvre.
Nudity
When you make in your dreams, it means you are absolutely terrified in your waking life. This either means you are being exposed for what you really are, or you feel that who you are is being threatened. Nudity is terrifying for someone who feels that they can’t be the asshole they want to be. Nudity is scary for someone who pretends to be something they are not. Nudity means you are not a fan of your sexual genitalia. Learn to love your genitalia. Pet it, comb its hair, bathe it to Whitney Houston, incense and candlelight, talk to it like a baby, show it to your mirror so you can see how wonderful your sexual organ is.
Baby
1. You have a baby
2. You’re having a baby
3. You are trying to have a baby
4. You want a baby
5. You NEED a baby
6. The puppy, kittens, Guinea pigs, hamster, and chickens aren’t enough, you need a baby!
A. Your partner doesn’t want one, can’t have one, you will never have a partner.
Food
You are bored. You want new knowledge. You want to eat from the tree of knowledge, but it’s forbidden. To eat that fruit means knowing not just right from wrong, but if you eat from the tree of knowledge, you will also understand time. You will no longer be burdened by its restrictions. You will see the many paths that can be taken and the many paths that lead to you now.
It also means you had Chinese for dinner, so you’re fucking starving.
Houses
Each room is a sign. Basements are where your regrets and what you wish to forget live. The closet is where your sexual and gender shame live. The living room is where your familial shame lives. The dining room is where you cut ties with those you are close to and retreat further into your head. The bedroom is where you go to be intimate. The garage is where your fear of all machines coming to life and killing every human just like in Maximum Overdrive and its sequels, Transformers, Transformers 2, Transformers 3, and Slumdog Millionaire.
Sex
I have no idea what dreaming about sex could be about.