On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for June 11th
Genesis
I was reading the net worth of the different religions in America when I realized how much I could be making with my own religion. I would make a lot more than I make blogging. The Mormons make about 6 billion annually and are worth around 30 billion in assets. These are non-profit organizations. They aren’t taxed!
These non-profit organizations sway local and international politics with power, money, and sheer numbers. Basically, churches are what the devil was trying to tempt Christ with in the desert, but Christ died instead. Did I mention the tax exemption?
Now I want to start my own religion. Not to change the decaying moral climate of American culture, not because I believe in any higher power that has any kind of power or interest over us, but because I think this is how I can control the most people, make the most money, and still be creative.
How will I do this? Just like a lot of other religions before me.
The Myth
I must create a myth about the beginning of man and how God/Gods/Goddesses came to be our Lords. There needs to be a tumultuous relationship between man and the Gods, like how men won’t give up their sins, and how the Gods want to destroy man and start over. I’d probably need a Prometheus who brings fire, art, and civilization (sin) to the people, and the gods become angry that they are now more equal to them.
The Sacrifice
I will need to sacrifice someone’s life to show that the Gods aren’t haters anymore and are willing to give us one last chance. This will be when Jesus died or the Buddha was under the tree. I will need to make something spectacular to give man pause.
This will compensate for the gifts from the Prometheus character in the gods’ eyes.
I need a patsy.
The Prophet
This is really where I come in. I will become the voice of the new Gods. They speak through me to you and we try to save your sinning asses. I will dictate the morals and the special rituals that need to be put in place and practiced to be a faithful member of the religion.
I will have the proper channel to our sacrificed savior, which I will use to control the masses with tax-free opinions and directives.
The Rewards
I will need a carrot on the stick system that promises life after death if one is good enough. I need to make the moral system too complex for a mortal man to follow, so a person can never honestly know if they will make it to the Gods’ realm and sit at Their feet or not.
Punishments
I will need a Hell for followers to fear and mostly believe that they will go if they don’t follow my strict doctrines and provide financial support. Heaven is great for motivating people, but we need an opposite place so there is no middle ground. The middle ground is for rational thinkers.
Not following my directives is a quick way to get sent to hell. . . unless we come up with a monetary tax-free solution.
Timelines
There needs to be an end. There must be a time when it becomes too late for man to bow down to the true Gods and weep for mercy. There needs to be a time when the Gods come and battle the Demons below, and the righteous will be the warriors of light, and the scum will become slaver fighters for the Demon hounds of Hell.
The end of time is a great way to keep people on their toes. Any time now, the world will crack open and swallow the unbelievers and the sinners. Could be today or tomorrow or. . .
Dealing With Doubt
Being a prophet means there will be those who won’t believe, so I will need to take specific actions so that the true believers hear my message.
I will need a circle of Paladins (bodyguards) to prevent anyone from asking me scrutinizing questions that may have some rational merit. Christianity only made it this long because the world’s biggest militaries backed it. First, the Romans, then the United States. Nothing like the fear of an airstrike to get you believing in a specific god.
I will need a reason for people to give me money and property. I will put that in the doctrines so that I may have assets. The more money you give me, the less doubt you will have!
Put my followers against their family and friends who doubt my divine connections. Like an angelic lion, I will prey on the weak and isolate those from the rest of the herd. Oh, does your brother have some doubts about this religion? Cut him off! Don’t let some rational, intelligent person get between you and sending me a tax-free check!
Gifts
I won’t just get money from my followers; I will get gifts. I will get food and drink, women and men, homes and cars, and I will be able to take whatever I want from whoever believes in my prophesies. To make sure that I continue my evenalizizing, I will need private planes, rolls royces, and a pimped out caboose on a train.
Get Paid
Now, I will roll in the tax-free money. Like the churches that already exist, I will fight any thought or idea that challenges the faith of my religion. If my religion is proven untrue, I will lose billions of dollars, so I will need to make sure my followers are in charge of the police state and military so that no one can question my authority. I will swim in my money like Scrooge McDuck while the world doesn’t get any better.