On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for July 24th
Hexes
Some people need to be taught a lesson. People can’t get away with bad behavior, so they need to be cursed. You can do this without them knowing. By using a simple spell, you can ruin this person’s life. You can’t prove a hex in a court of law.
Now, some people are just a little bit annoying or kind of an asshole, so you don’t want a full-blown hex and curse them with untreatable, mutated gonorrhea. You just want them to be uncomfortable with life. I also don’t want to arm too many people with hexes of mass destruction (HMDs). These are just little spells to make someone’s life spicy. Here are some hexes to know for this kind of situation.
The Screaming Baby
Some people don’t like the sound of a screaming baby, so this simple curse will make a screaming baby be everywhere they are. Their neighbors will suddenly have a screaming baby; every supermarket, movie, restaurant, plane, and anywhere else this person goes will have a crying baby.
At 4:45 am, light a white candle.
Spend five minutes sucking your thumb and cooing.
Say, “Bats and dogs with rabies,
fill this life up with screaming babies.”
Poop your pants.
Email Spam
This hex will inundate their email inbox with unwanted junk mail that their junk filter won’t and can’t catch. They will have to sift through hundreds of emails a day to find the ones that are important. Not all of them, but some important emails will end up in the junk folder, so this has to be checked every day, just in case, which makes the email process extremely annoying.
“I’m a PC, and I’m a Mac,
Send this mail to stay on track.
I’m a Mac, I’m a PC,
Turn the inbox into human feces.”
Being angry about new trendy things
Whatever is trendy or viral will be infuriating to the person you put this hex on. No matter how fun or funny something is, this person will spend their days criticizing it. They may have been the most open-minded person you’ve met, but now they can’t stand anything new. They will just reject anything new or popular as a scourge to society. They will live in a fantasy of nostalgia, wishing the world were the way they remembered it.
Light a pinecone on fire.
Wear it like a hat until all your hair burns off.
Huff the smell of burning hair until you get really high,
Then scream at the top of your lungs,
“What’s going on?!?”
The wrong way
This will always cause the toilet paper roll to be on the wrong side, and the cereal boxes will always be upside down.
Drip wax in a circle around you.
Chant,
“paper roll, paper roll,
be this person’s personal troll.
cereal box, cereal box,
this will make them mutter and talk.”
Apply wax to your open left eye.
Scream and find a phone to call 911.
Earphone puzzles
This will make all of the cords and earphones tangle more easily and untangle them more impossibly. (written in 2016 when all things had cords still)
Tie a snake in a bow.
Listen to a podcast and a Taylor Swift album at the same time.
Pour salt onto a CD*.
Play the CD*.
Keep rubbing salt on the CD until it no longer works.
Candy Crush Addiction
Makes the person addicted to Candy Crush.
Keep sending the person Candy Crush invites on Facebook.
The wet sock blues
This will cause the person always to find a way to have damp socks.
Wash all your socks.
Use goat and goldfish blood as a detergent.
Dry the socks.
Use the skin of a hundred-year-old Chinese lady as dryer sheets.
Leave the socks in a reservoir.
Chant, “White Sox, Red Sox
Black Sox and the Reds.
Wet bag, damp box,
Moist rug, humid beds.”
Alarm clock Armageddon
This will make the cursed person wake up two minutes before the alarm clock goes off. They will open their eyes and see the clock showing that the alarm will be going off in two minutes, so they will no longer enjoy that feeling of another hour of snuggling into the warm blankets, but just the horrors of having to get out of bed and get ready to face the day. This will also disable their snooze buttons, so simply lying in bed will be a significant risk.
Set all the clocks in your house 24 hours back.
Walk backwards for 12 hours.
Take off another 12 hours from the calendar.
Wear your clothes backwards.
Jump.
Chant, “Tick tock, tick tock,
The only way to tell time is with a rock,
Tick tock, tick tock,
It’s the wrong time for this ship to dock.”
Joke credit
This is a great choice for someone who enjoys being humorous. They try to tell a joke. No one hears this joke except one person who repeats it and gets the credit. Even if the person is friendly and points out that the cursed person told the joke, no one will care.
Listen to Dane Cook and laugh at every joke.
Tell people that Dane Cook is the funniest comedian.
Go and see Dane Cook live so that he can keep his job as a comedian.
Tell everyone Dane Cook jokes with your best Dane Cook voice.
Get plastic surgery to look like Dane Cook.
*compact disk