On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for August 6th
Jesus Was A Leo
Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! It was 2010 (when written in 2016) years ago on this day that our Lord & Savior, Yeshua Q. Christ was born. Hallelujah!
Oh, wait, you thought Jesus was born on December 25th, in the year 0? LOL! No, silly, people in charge of the church back in the day were either idiots or crafty salesmen because if you actually read the bible, and I mean read the bible, it would be impossible for Jesus to be born in December.
Luke 2:8 “And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.”
This could never happen in December in Palestine, but it could in August.
Considering the time frame when John the Baptist was born, as indicated by these Bible verses, since Jesus was born around half a year after John.
Luke 1:5 “In the time of Herod king of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron.”
Which by studying I Chronicles 24:15 “the seventeenth to Hezir, the eighteenth to Happizzez,”
Luke 1:23-24 “And when his time of service was ended, he went to his home.”
24 After these days, his wife Elizabeth conceived, and for five months she kept herself hidden,”
So then Elizabeth was pregnant with John.
And Mary is told by an Angel while Elizabeth is 6 months pregnant, Luke 1:36 “And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren.”
We find the conceiving date soon after the angel’s visit, Luke 1:31: “And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus.”
And since Jesus is a premature baby, judging by his misshapen head and wide-apart eyes, we find his birthday on August 19th, 4 bc.
This means Jeaus is a Leo.
What does that mean for Christianity?
It means that Jesus was so arrogant that he thought himself the son of Yaweh, one of the lesser gods of the desert. He was so enthralled with himself that he tried to convince people he could erase their sin debt. Even when the church tried to tell him how wrong and crazy he was, Jesus stayed stubborn.
Jesus also is lazy, like most Leos, so becoming a hippy prophet for some minor sect of Jews who like to see how far out on a lake they can “walk” before sinking was his idea of getting one over on the man.
Jesus also loves theatre, and acting like some wise ass guy who speaks in riddles and parables is right up any Leo’s alley.
Leo hates to be ignored. Because of this, they tend to up their game each time. A Leo will go from talking to making sick people better, to turning water to wine and multiplying food, and then bring the dead back to life, and then take on the banks. It’s not that Jesus wanted to be crucified; he just couldn’t stop trying to get attention. Insufficient attention is better than no attention to a Leo.
Leo also has a hard time dealing with straight-up reality, so fantasizing that one is the king of kings or king of the Jews isn’t beyond the scope of Jesus’s Leo tendencies.
A Leo will put their well-being above all others to achieve their goal. They will turn their best friend into a fucking snitch, their business manager into an inferior mess where they won’t be executed the same way, and will make his wife unable to find his body after he is dead, just so the news is as overly dramatic as possible.
Leo’s. The son of gods and the children of the sun.
This indicates a misunderstanding of some Christian beliefs.
Sex is incredible and should be as adventurous as possible. They also need to feel independent in relationships, so the Christian idea of marriage is a little too strict. Christian men should have a wife, a mistress, and a young Greek pool cleaner, while the women should have a husband, a gardener, a butler, a gym coach, a lawyer, a massage therapist, and a greasy buff Italian dressed up as a unicorn.
Families ought to be large, celebratory, and go beyond the bloodlines. Every minor achievement by anyone in the family should be celebrated by having a party.
Christianity should shift its emphasis from suffering in life to pursuing multiple small jobs and trades, rather than a single career that consumes your entire life. Careers just kill people, and life should be more than just dying.
So gather around the Christmas peach tree and open your presents because today is Christmas.