Meditation for February 23rd
Leadership
At some point on our spiritual journey, we will become someone people look up to for advice and inspiration. As we learn more and more about meditation, prayer, crystals, Californian-style Buddhism, Plains Indian Sun worship, prayer flags, attachment yoga, and other forms of spiritual principles, others will want to become our students. We become teachers, and we learn even more. A part of spiritual growth is to teach others.
Start a cult. Don’t be humble and shy about your truths; you are the smartest, most humble, righteous Yogi, so why deny others of your greatness? Write a book about Eastern spirituality, start touring and giving workshops for an exorbitant fee, and begin a pyramid scheme in each of the liberal cities on the East Coast!
The Dalai Llama and any of the white Buddhist teachers didn’t get where they go to being shy and introverted; they had to tell every single person how awesome they were at being enlightened. Then they had to convince others also to talk a lot about how spiritual and blissful you are. It also helps if a couple of people hate you and talk a lot about how much of a piece of shit you are; it only strengthens your place at the top.
Picture your spiritual empire. Picture what great things hot people will say about you to others. Picture a sea of faces focused on your every word, paying you for being awesome.
Prayer
Jesus,
how did you do it?
You had disciples, hookers, and friendly Romans who believed you were born from a virgin and that your Dad was Yahweh, the asshole God of the Desert.
You even had others write about you.
You had that sucker, Paul, change his name from Sol and begin your cult’s administration using traveling carpet salespeople to spread the gospel across the Mediterranean.
You even, after fucking dying, made people believe you rose from the dead three days after and floated to the heavens to be with Senior.
After being dead for a few hundred years and your followers being picked on by the establishment, a fucking emperor of a giant empire claimed you as his religion!
Give me the power to do that,
but maybe a little cooler,
because now your story is a little too square.
Amen.
Craft
You need to write a book about how you were once an asshole and a total mess, and through your interpretation of some ancient Eastern text, you are now on the road to complete oneness with the universe. Title it something ancient w, something modern, or a mix of them
After publishing your book, you gotta have a social media game—Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Friendster, Google+, Grindr, and even the huge one, Yahoo Answers. The point is reaching out to the young and hip. They have the funds to pay for your services. The young are lost and don’t know how to make sense of this universe. A lot of affluent lost souls are in AA meetings and Yoga classes. Maybe even come up with a series of foods that Whole Foods could sell.
Make workshops. The goal is to personally certify teachers to do the hard work, while you may or may not show up, but if you do, you nod with a smug smile and half-closed eyes at all the admiration.
Merchandise! Make some cool logo art and a cool name to put on everything. You’ll make a lot from the workshops, but you will love the extra income from the poor suckers who can’t afford your workshop but want a hooded sweatshirt.
If this goes well, get a few cool celebrities to endorse your venture. The Catholics have Mark Wahlberg and Chris Pratt. The Christians have Kid Rock and Joel Osteen. Find someone who can pump up the masses.
And because it’s religion, it’s all tax-free!!!
Retire with lots of money and possibly end your spiritual corporation by engaging in a sex scandal. Still, people forgive celebrities for a lot worse, so at all costs, be charismatic.
Goal
Learn to manipulate and lead others. The one common ground between all the religions is helping others. People need someone to look up to. They want someone to tell them the answers to life’s greatest mystery: living. Be that for them. Be the all-knowing monk, the crazy hermit, the rich kid who turned away from stuff to be happy, or something dumb like that, a cruise ship event coordinator, or the very son of a God.
Look for my book and workshops in mid next year.