On January 11, 2016, I began a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day, called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to hold myself accountable. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for July 20th
Magic Spells
Here at the David Everett Fisher Institute for Wellness and Mindfulness, we strive to expand our knowledge and learn about various mystical rituals to be as well-equipped as possible in the realm of spirituality. We have explored various Buddhist methods, Christian methods, and even some metaphysical approaches to achieve psychic soundness, but among all the rituals, none are more potent than magick.
There are various schools of magic, including Alchemy, Animism, Black Magic, Chaos Magic, Druidry, Haitian Vodou, Hermetic Qabalah, Hermeticism, Hoodoo, Kabbalah, Paleo Diet, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Reiki, Satanism, Sex Magic, Shamanism, Sigil Magic, Thelema, White Magic, and Wicca.
In these magical recipes, I am using the Oregon Wiccan Rainfall Magicks. This is a powerful school that utilizes the wet, mossy earth and ancient European schools of Wicca and Black Magic to perform fantastic spells.
Don’t try this if you are sensitive.
Restore Health & Vigor Spell
A yellow birthday candle – the trick kind preferred
A square of toilet paper and a red highlighter or iguana blood
Vapor Vandals Outlaw vape
Draw a pentagram on a piece of toilet paper
Write the letters A T L Y E S A I V S inside the pentagram
Light the candle and vape the juice over the pentagram
Repeat 19 times:
Sky above me, Stars so bright,
Hear my plea upon this night,
Restore health and vigor in me,
The spell is done, so mote it be!
Space out the mantra so that you end as the candle is done
Burn the toilet paper and put the ash in your underwear
Sleep
Wishing Spell
Wake up at sunrise and hold a piece of jezebel root in your left hand
Say your wish backwards out loud
At night, bury the root using only your left hand
Don’t use this against someone’s free will
Wish comes true
Banishing Someone For 40 Nights
You will need 40 small rocks, the kind that are flat and oval (skipping rocks)
You will need a small empty bottle with no label
The person’s previously worn left sock
Stand at the edge of the sea
Skip rocks with your right hand and hold the bottle with your left hand
Let the waves hit you
Skip a rock as the tide goes out
Say each time a wave hits you: “As the waves scatter, so should ever evil, misfortune, and jinx scatter.”
And as the waves hit, you hold the bottle low enough for the wave to put water into the bottle and say, “As every wave comes, so should every blessing and every joy come.”
Go home in silence
Confusion Oil #1
Vetiver
Lavender
Galangal
Burnt knotted shoelace
Mix and bottle
It will make the person deranged and confused for weeks. Slightly weakened enough for hypnosis and subtle commands
Confusion Oil #2
Hashish oil
Make them smoke it or eat it
Watch hilarious confusion ensue
Get Lost Spell #1
1 part vetiver
1 part marjoram
2 parts patchouli
pinch of Guinea pepper
pinch of poppy seed
pinch of black mustard seed
Mix with carrier oil
A person won’t know how to get anywhere, even with a map. You can even bless the place you don’t want the person to find in the bottle.
Get Lost Spell #2
Make them use the Apple Maps app.
Damnation Hex
Burnt ashes of palm leaves
Holy water
Beer
Myrrh
Lavender
Take out the burnt ashes of palm leaves, holy water, myrrh, and lavender. Drink beer. Say, “Damn them. Damn them to hell,” a bunch of times.
Easy Life Oil
Gum mastic
Cloves
Ginger
Lemon
Orange Peel
Cassia
Watch as others do hard work while you relax and take the credit for it.
Find What is Lost Spell #1
White candle
I need what I seek,
Give me a peek,
Draw my eyes,
For my prize!
Look at the last place you were going to look
Find thing
Grow Some Monies
Take a plant
water it with a tad bit of patchouli
“Plant” a Sacajawea coin
If you find money, spend the coin as fast as you can and replace it
Repeat
Resentment Spell
Write your name on one side of the envelope
Write the person you resent on the other side
Put a bay leaf into the envelope
Light it on fire
Mail it to the person you resent
It’ll never get there because you burned it, there was no address on it, and you didn’t put a stamp on it.
Feel silly, let go of resentment
Quiet Time Spell
Go to the bathroom and lock the door
Take a feather
Tie it to a thread still on a spool
Dangle the feather in front of your face
Blow on it
Say, “Still, quiet, and hush, I’m not in a rush.”
Stay in the bathroom for a long time.