Meditation for December 18th, 2016
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
This is a continuation of Cracked Pot Meditations’ war on Christmas.
The virgin birth of Jesus. While Christians accept this as an undisputed truth, the rest of us who live by logic and reason have some doubts. Did an angel really come down to fornicate on behalf of the Lord and impregnate her with God Himself, or did she cheat on Joseph with a Roman soldier and cover it up with a story that went too far, affecting billions of lives over the last two centuries, mainly in a bad way?
This brings us to Roman Standard Bearer of the First Archers Cohort, Tiberius Julius Abdes Pantera. This is believed to be the birth father of Jesus, whose historical name would be Yeshu ben Pantera, or Jesus son of Pantera. Historical documents point to this as being the case.
This would mean that Mary isn’t the Mother of God, but a mere adulterer, which is one of the Ten Commandments we meditated on yesterday. She should have been stoned to death instead of appearing in toasts and corn flakes. This truth may cause churches to lose billions of dollars if it became accepted that Jesus was born out of wedlock, and even from an adulterous affair.
In 1859, while digging up earth for a railroad in Germany, Pantera’s grave was found. With a bit of digging into Pantera’s history, this same Roman soldier would have been fighting a Jewish uprising in Sepphoris, which is just down the road from the home of Mary and Joseph in Nazareth.
Did Mary make up this angelic sexual divinity to cover up being porked by a soldier, or was she crazy and imagined Pantera an angel?
Historically speaking, Tiberius and Julius were adopted Roman names when they were conscripted into the army. Abdes means “serve to of God” and suggested that he was Semitic and maybe even Jewish. Pantera means “Panther” and is a prevalent last name among Roman soldiers of that era. Angels and Jewish carpenters did not have the name Pantera.
I don’t know why the churches still grab onto this virginal birth bullshit. The Roman soldier can clear up some of the most significant loopholes in the Christian myth.
Matthew 10:5-6, “These twelve Jesus sent out, instructing them, ‘Go nowhere among the Gentiles and enter no town of the Samaritans, but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” And, “Ye worship ye know not what: we know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews” all suggest that the salvation of Christ is just for the Jews, but if the father were a gentile European (though it is told he is a Semite), this would give legitimacy for gentiles to be worshipping a God that did not choose them.
Pantera being the father could also make all the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jesuses that all the racist American bibles and Sunday school study books suggested more possible and realistic. If it were just a Jewish Arab woman, then all the blue-eyed blonde-haired Jesuses seem fucking Stupid and ignorant of the very essential ingredient to the whole religion.
You can make Christianity seem less silly by taking out the virgin-miracle birth. Imagine explaining Christianity to a modern person who, for some reason, is of average intelligence but has never heard of it before. “You see, there was this girl who was a virgin, and one night this angel comes in and says, ‘Hey, I know you are married, but I have to knock you up so that you can carry either the Son of God, or God himself, depending on how they’ll interpret this later. Don’t worry, you’ll stay a virgin after the birth so that Joseph won’t be too pissed.” And thy angel dropped thou trou. It just doesn’t sell it.
The name Pantera is fucking sweet, and would make that band Pantera a Christian band instead of a racist group that used to be a glam rock hair band.
So on Christmas morning, when you are celebrating the wrong day of Christ’s birth with presents and eggnog, remember that none of this would have been possible without the adultery or rape of Mary with Tiberius Julius Abdes Pantera.
Prayer
Dear Christmas,
Why do I hate you? I grew up in a well-adjusted family and even have fond memories of Christmas. My parents got me stuff I wanted. So why do I despise this holiday?
I think it’s the combination of working in retail and reading books. It’s not just that I see a lot of the negative side of Christmas through the lens of being anti-capitalist and anti-religion, but just the terror of having to endure Americans during this time of year. Nothing brings out the most selfish, self-centered, grandiose, entitled piece of shit than Christmas shopping.
First off, people are under extreme pressure to perform the magic of Christmas. Between the movies and the news media painting a picture of what the perfect Christmas looks like, the pressure to achieve it is unbearable. Just the financial burden alone is insane.
Christmas is here to stay because of the economic effect it has on our system. Q4 is what keeps our financial health in check every year. Most people are putting this holiday on credit and burying themselves in debt, to copy the Hallmark movie picture of a perfect Christmas. Putting people in debt is what keeps our economic system afloat.
Not everyone has the nuclear family to perform this impossible expectation. A lot of people come from broken homes, poor homes, or unconventional homes that don’t play into the Christian family dynamic that Christmas promotes. While some people have families to go to and celebrate the holidays, some don’t for one reason or another, so their loneliness is enhanced by the music, lights, and social media posts bombarding them in green and red.
It isn’t hard to see how hollow the holiday’s religious aspect is. It is supposed to be the birth of Jesus and the magical story of the virgin birth and the labor in a manger, but it just looks like consumerism to me. From Halloween on, it is just shopping rituals. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and other holiday sales are trying to get people to spend their money. This seems like a strange method of worshipping a religious idol born in total destitution and running from the law. With the consumerism of Christmas, this breeds overindulgence. Not just with spiked eggnog, but in spending and trying to keep up with the Jonses.
If you aren’t Christian or practice a much more humble version of Christianity, this holiday makes that separation from the majority clearer. This isolates many people, not just because of the lack of a traditional household or financial obstacles, but also because of growing up in entirely different cultures.
So, this is why I don’t like Christmas, it’s just the most American thing that ever American, and that’s hard because we also celebrate our country’s birthday by blowing up the skies. We also celebrate an early colonial myth by overeating. We like to celebrate by overindulging, and that is confused for freedom.
Amen
Craft
Mother Mary Terrarium
You can use any old clear jar
Fill the bottom with potting soil
You can also put in some moss
Then choose a plant to put in. Nothing that grows too big.
Then you put in a small Mary statue.
Worship away!
Goal
Part of faith is questioning everything.