On January 11, 2016, I began a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day, called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to hold myself accountable. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for August 31st
NFL Power Rankings (for the non-NFL fan)
Professional football is war, war is art. Not finding a spiritual way of life by watching games all day Sunday is just beyond me. Football is life, and the very reason America is the top dog on this planet named Earth.
Here at the Cracked Pot Meditations, Sports, and Medicine Center, located in NFL-less Portland, Oregon, we aim to get you pumped for Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays, and sometimes Saturdays with meditation and NFL temple power rankings.
Originally written in 2016, when the New England Patriots beat the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl. I will leave the 2016 power rankings to show my prowess in NFL knowledge, and then add power rankings for the 2025 season. Again, I will add my hot fantasy tips.
2016 – 32. The Cleveland Browns (Not those Cleveland Browns, they moved to Baltimore and became the Baltimore Ravens – after the Edger Allen Poe poem because football is very fucking literary.)
They have now ex-Washington Peckerwoods (Redskins) and Subway model Robert Griffin the Third slingin’ balls at wide receivers’ Josh Gordon and Tyrelle Pryor. They are going to be fucking terrible, just like they always have been and always will be, and even with the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Cleveland Honkey-Asses (Indians), Cleveland will slip further and further into a snow blind depression.
Fantasy tip: Don’t
2025 – 32. Still with the fucking Cleveland Browns!
They just suck, and they don’t have a real QB despite drafting the guy with the name. I’m not sure why they keep letting the city of Cleveland down like that, but they look like a last-place team again, and there is no hope here.
Fantasy tip: Again, don’t.
2016 – 31. Chicago Bears
I find Jay Cutler to be a very charismatic and inspiring quarterback. He’s like our past president, George W. Bush; you can picture having beers with him, but you couldn’t run a country or an offense to save your life. Defense might make the score not too lopsided – maybe.
Fantasy tip: I actually don’t know anything about fantasy football, but my sports team tells me to add this. I’ll try to add something helpful with better teams.
2025 – 31. Tennessee Titans
This team isn’t going to win many games, mostly because of allowing too many points. Cam Ward has a cool QB name, and it makes sense that he exists, but he is still trying to find his place in the NFL.
Fantasy tip: Maybe not the best team to fantasize about. Try nurses or nuns for fantasy instead of Titans.
2016 – 30. Santa Clara 49ers
There’s the guy who doesn’t stand, and the other guy who stands and throws the ball. Not much in the catching department, but maybe if Colin runs around like he might throw it and then runs like every defense knows he will, the 9ers might have a chance.
Fantasy tip: Uh…
2025 – 30. New York Giants
We have veteran Russel Wilson and rookie Jaxson Dart thumb wrestling for the starting QB spot, but after watching Wilson shit the bed in Denver and Pittsburgh, I have a hard time believing this guy to be New York’s answer. The defense looks okay, but it’s not enough to help an offense that might underperform.
Fantasy tip: WR Malik Nabers, who may be related to the actor who played Gomer Pyle on the Andy Griffith Show.
2016 – 29. Los Angeles Rams (formerly of St. Louis via Los Angeles via Cleveland, but not the Browns)
The team has gotten better since the late days in St. Louis, but the smog and the high-profile LA sports press is going to knock the fucking wind out of this team “returning home”. Great O-line, but I suppose that only does so much, I’ve heard.
Fantasy tip: Neither quarterbacks
2025 – 29. Las Vegas Raiders
We got Pete Carroll, a monocle, and a top hat away from being the villain in a silent movie, coaching this Vegas team with Geno Smith at the QB role, and other than the popularity of that ginger muscle guy, Maxxxxxx Crosby, there are so many weak spots that they will be a joke. If you’re in the great city of sin, bet against these guys.
Fantasy tip: Prostitution is legal in Nevada.
2016 – 28. Miami Mammal Fish
The defense is all like, “Right this way, sir. I believe the end zone for your points that add up to more than our points is right over here. I’ll chase you there.”
Fantasy tip: Jarvis Landry
2025 – 28. New Orleans Saints
They recruited their quarterbacks from a local high school, and the rest of the team consists of players in their 50s. We might be seeing a lot of no-names starting as the song “Yakety Sax” plays, with the players flopping all over the field. Other teams will demolish this team. A lot of the sporty websites have the Nawlin’ Saints in last place, but I do believe in the power of chaos to confuse a few teams into losing.
Fantasy tip: Probably not on this team, since all the goodies are made of glass bones.
2016 – 27. The Philadelphia Eagles
Their offensive line is all like, “Hey, see that guy over there that no one recognizes? Yeah, he’s like our quarterback. Go tickle him, tiger.”
Fantasy tip: Lane Johnson (great name for a penis, amirite, football buddies?)
2025 – North and South Carolina Panthers
Bryce Young had only three good plays last year, so we might see four or five this year. Perhaps those will all come in one game, and they will win. The team that makes us all ask why there has to be a North and South Carolina doesn’t have a lot to offer in wins, and the defense is awful. I’m not sure why they are trying to play football anymore.
Fantasy tip: Maybe Bryce Young if you like having a third QB on your team?
2016 – 26. San Antonio Chargers
When Phillip Rivers isn’t touring as the principal singer and songwriter of the band Weezer, he is a fantastic quarterback, known for his emotional intensity. Luckily, the Chargers have a great defense and the crazy old guy, Antonio Gates. Antonio Gates is still playing.
Fantasy tip: Antonio Gates
2025 – 26. New England Patriots
Good news, everyone, the New England Patriots, since we wrote about them in 2016, have just sucked, and all those sad, angry, libertarian, racist New England guys can go back to not having anything worth waking up for, since they don’t know that the Celtics have been good despite not having Larry Bird. I love New England sucking since the fans are the worst people on this shitty planet we call Earth, and we will just have to endure them talking like Yankee fans and talking about rings.
Anyhoos, they have added some help for QB Drake May with 82-year-old Stefon Diggs. They’ll win some games, but they won’t be in the postseason.
2016 25. Nowlens Saints
Great offense, but since you can’t pay a defensive player to hit someone like Bobo Fett got paid to capture Han Solo, Drew Brees will have to throw more touchdowns than the other teams. Also, Louisiana has flooded again, so they’re playing for more than just a little game; they’re playing for a drier state.
Fantasy tip: move to higher ground.
2025 25. Jacksonville Jaguars
The defense is the only positive aspect to discuss. Overrated college two-way player, Travis Hunter, won’t have too much of an impact on this mid team. Leave the game early and hit those famous Jacksonville discotheques instead.
Fantasy tip: Don’t live in Jacksonville.
20216 – 24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Located to the right of the Nowlens Saints, these guys are pretty okay, too. The quarterback, rapist Jameis Winston, is going to have to show that he can not rape women when being a paid player in the NFL. When Winston isn’t raping, he’s throwing picks and running right into linebackers.
Fantasy tip: Be a goddamned gentleman
2025 – 24. Indianapolis Colts
Pretty good offense and an alright defense puts these guys in the middle of the pack. They have a pretty untested QB who will be running that pretty good offense. This is a team that most people will just not remember being in the league and then when their favorite team plays them will remember Peyton Manning and laugh at something Peyton once said in a commercial or on his Monday night show with his brother and then Indianapolis will just fade from their memories.
Fantasy tip: RB Jonathon Taylor – pretty good.
2016 – 23. Tennessee Titans (Houston Oilers, damnit)
A bunch of young guys that are going to walk out onto the gridiron with wide eyes and open mouths, scared to death. You’ll probably hear a collective gulp every time a ball is snapped.
Fantasy tip: Derrick Henry might carry the ball a ways.
2025 – 23. New Jersey Jets
Jesus fucking Christ, this team is just a sore spot on the NFL. They tried last year with Aaron Rodgers, and now they have a young man, Justin Fields, starting. A lot of their team that was good is no longer there, but why are they way up at 23? As I mentioned earlier, regarding the power of chaos, this team has accumulated years of chaos that could be unleashed at any moment on the field and will surprise everyone with a few unexpected wins. I mean, can we move on from the butt fumble of 2012? A curse has a life span.
Fantasy tip: I’m hesitant to say this, but WR Garrett Wilson
2016 – 22. The mythological land of Atlantis Falcons
When Matt Ryan isn’t running the CIA or fighting IRA bad guys in Tom Clancy novels and movies, he is an idiot running around the field like it’s his first time playing football. It’s as if someone gave the boring white guy a football and said, Here you go, son, throw this. It’s like Paulie Shore decided to make a comeback as a quarterback, but didn’t practice at all, or even learn the game of football.
Fantasy tip: Paulie Shore
2025 – Pittsburgh Steelers
Red-pilled, unvaccinated, forever hungover-looking Aaron Rodgers is about to finish his career at 38 years old for the Pittsburgh Steelers. What could possibly go wrong? The washed-up piece of shit will have a hard time harnessing the skills and talent he had when he was a Packer to help the Steelers make it to the playoffs. The only saving grace is that Mike Tomlin rarely misses the postseason.
Fantasy tip: WR DK Metcalf and/or the defense
2016 – 21. Buffalo Bills
Tyrod Taylor will throw the ball either up to the up-hill sideline or the down-hill sideline. Hilarity will ensue. No one is healthy. God doesn’t like Buffalo, see their weather for proof. Sometimes hipsters decide to be Bill fans because of some misplaced novelty, but really, what a terrible place and team.
Fantasy tip: No one is available.
2025 – 21. Dallas Cowboys
Wow, this team, America’s team, is acting like America in the sense that the rest of the world can’t and won’t take them seriously, mostly due to the owner’s poor management. The problem isn’t that they suck; it’s that on paper, they are very good, but somehow, when they go out and play a game of football, they don’t do very well. They have been good at making it to the postseason, but not getting very far.
Shortly before this list was released, the defense lost Micah Parsons to the Packers, and we will have to see how the defense adjusts to that. However, the Cowboys do have a dynamic duo in Dak Prescott and CeeDee Lamb, so they could provide the team with some touchdowns.
Fantasy tip: CeeDee Lamb if healthy.
2016 – 20. Indianapolis Colts (from Baltimore, but not a Brown, nor a Raven)
Pretty mediocre – like most excellent NFL teams. Andrew Luck is a mouth breather, but always surprises.
Fantasy tip: Phillip Dorset
2025 – 20. Arizona Cardinals
I get grumpy about the Cardinals because the baseball team, the Oakland/Sacramento/Las Vegas Athletics, drafted Kyler Murray, and he is wasting his time being a mediocre quarterback. Other than that, this team is just good enough to win a few games and keep some of the better teams on their toes.
Fantasy tip: WR Marvin Harrison, Jr.
2016 – 19. Jacksonville Jaguars (How many fucking teams does Florida need?)
Oh, boy, they are better than they were, but that isn’t very good. I think some highly paid sports commentators have high hopes for these unlovable losers.
Fantasy tip: Move the team out of Florida
2025 – 19. Seattle Seahawks
What is surprising is that when I lived in Portland, Oregon, I never liked the Seattle Seahawks. I find it strange that, despite living in Rhode Island, most of my neighbors are passionate about the New England Patriots and all the Boston teams. I am trying hard to break the love that Providence has for Boston into hate, like Portland has for Seattle.
Seattle has Sam Darnold at the QB spot, and they added the third Paul brother, WR Cooper Kupp, with his flesh beard. I won’t add too many dynamic plays, but enough to keep defenses on their toes.
Fantasy tip: Do close-up pictures of Jake and Logan Paul with Cooper Kupp, and guess who is who by the beard.
2016 – 18. Oakland Raiders (Oakland, LA, Oakland, back to LA, now in Oakland, might go back to LA, or stay in Oakland, or go to Las Vegas, or San Antonio, or, as the guy on the back of the 6 bus said, Portland, Oregon)
Well, these guys have a lot of hope and might win more than half of their games. They might even play so well that they might move to a big market again. Look out for empty promises, though. They have all the pieces of a pretty good team, but they will let you down, and you will blame the owners and the GM.
Fantasy tip: Can you pick the General Manager?
2025 – 18. The mythological land of Atlantis Falcons
Heh, heh, heh, heh, they have a player named, heh, heh, heh, heh, Michael Penix, Jr., heh, heh, heh. Penix, heh, heh, heh, heh. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Fantasy tip: WR Drake London is pretty good.
2016 – 17. Baltimore Ravens (formerly the Cleveland Browns and not the Colts)
Joe Q. Flacco. A thinking man on the gridiron. A philosopher, if you will. He holds on to that ball and thinks. As he believes, the defense starts putting on their helmets, for Joe is holding on to the ball. He sees the way the Universe spirals away from him and into the heavens and into the unknown. He considers the matter he can see, but he wishes, as his left side of the line has collapsed, that he could see between the matter, the anti-matter, the holes that make up more of reality than the solids we waste our time taking so seriously . . . and sacked, 3rd & long.
Fantasy tip: I don’t know, they might have some good receiver or something.
2025 – 17. Miami Mammal Fish
Not much has changed in the aging roster, but they have been and continue to be plagued by injuries, so it’ll be interesting to see if this team can stay afloat. Great quarterback, pretty good receivers, and some okay backs make for some interesting options for QB Tua Tagovailoa. Personally, I really want this team to do well because I like the coach, Mike McDaniel.
Fantasy tip: RB De’Von Achane
2016 – 16. Houston Texans (pronounced How-Sten. Conveniently became a team after the Oilers moved to Tennessee.)
I guess they have an alright defense. Some sports jerk kept mentioning the high wattage of the defense and how many watts the defense has, and so forth, but right now I MUST SPEAK THE TRUTH!!! BROCK OSWEILER!!!!! This is the best quarterback ever to play – in two years.
Fantasy tip: Nick Novak
2025 – 16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Now we start to get to the teams that will likely surpass 17 games, and with Curtis Mayfield at the QB spot, the Bucs have a good chance of making the playoffs. They don’t have a perfect roster and Mayfield might not have as many options as better teams on this list, but he does make plays and has the best fashion when it comes to QBs in the league.
Fantasy tip: Have a mustache and wear a trenchcoat.
2016 – 15. Thou Dallas Cowboys (Used to be a Soviet propaganda tool in the 80s)
Remember the guy who was a “lawyer” in the movie Idiocracy? He also starred in the Ashton Kutcher-produced practical joke show, Punk’d. He is now famous for being so fucking adorable and cute with his wife, Kristen Bell. Dax Shepard? Dak Prescott? Well, now he is suddenly the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, America’s team. He is going to choke! Also, Tony Romo is a curse even off the field, so don’t expect them to be something.
Fantasy tip: Is it not too late to get Teddy Bridgewater?
2025 – 15. Chicag-y Bears
We are at mediocre, and the Bears are the best at being mediocre. Here we have Caleb Williams leading these young cubs into battle.
2016 – 14. Washington Lying Piece of Shit Senators (or the Redskins if you’re insensitive)
I believe we discussed postseason teams a while ago. This is only because the NFL is a communist league, and over half the league gets in. “Here is your trophy for trying, big guy!” Now, we’ll get to the teams that might have actually worked hard to reach the postseason. This isn’t like the NBA, which is perceived as lazy, or the MLB, which has its talent spread too thin, but more like the NHL, which lets all the teams into the postseason. That’s why the NHL season is four months and the postseason is 18 months. Any-hoo, the Washington Racists will be good enough to make it further into the postseason than other teams with better-than-bigot names.
Fantasy tip: Change your name. I like the White Trash Meth Tooth Okie Sonabitches.
2025 – 14. Denver Broncos
2016 – 13. Detroit Lions
Matthew Stafford not only looks like a college guy who has made an enormous mistake, but he doesn’t receive the jail time to match that kind of mistake; however, he’s a pretty good QB. They have outstanding players who didn’t perform well at other places; come to Motor City, and they will play really well.
Fantasy tip: Marvin Jones?
2025 – 13. Minnesota Vikings
2016 – 12. Minnesota Vikings (unlike the Redskin name, Viking is a verb)
SAM BRADFORD?!? Give them the ring. Just kidding, but they’ll look good and play pretty good hand egg.
Fantasy tip: Adrien Peterson, I mean, C’mon, he is the stereotypical fantasy player if there ever was one!
2025 – 12. Houston Texans
2016 – 11. Kansas City Bosses (Chiefs, really? I picture the logo to look like some trust fund girl wearing a headdress at Coachella)
Alex Smith is a fundamentally good quarterback. They have a great defensive system that ought to make offensive players really uncomfortable. Right? I don’t know. Who actually knows anything about football? It’s a skill, yes. It’s talent, yes. It’s great organizing and planning with great plays and programs that, if executed, will get great results, but then we have injuries, bad years, players shooting people and raping, you just have bad luck, and none of those plays work! Who can know? Not ESPN, not Bleacher Report, not even Kissing Suzy Kolber, even though they do funny football stuff and don’t really bother actually talking about the reality of football, but the Kansas City Chiefs are a team that is good enough to win the whole thing and good enough to not be in last place. Go, Kansas City! They aren’t even in Kansas; they are 56,000 miles to the west in Missouri.
Fantasy tip: Chris Conley
2025 – 11. Los Angeles Rams
2016 – 10. Cincinnati Bengals (cool stripes, bro)
Here is a tale of a man named Andy Dalton. No one has ever heard of him. He didn’t attend any high school, nor did he ever attend college. This guy just walked out of the desert wasteland of Texas and said he wanted to throw a weird-shaped ball around. He did it perfectly. They brought him into a lab and studied him. They found that his wounds healed hundreds of times faster than a normal person, and in some cases, wounds that would kill a normal person, he survived. They decided he’d be a significant weapon, so they wrapped his bones in adamantium and gave him claws made of the same material, the lightest, but most brutal metal on earth. He worked for many government and NGO agencies over the years before returning to the fabled American Jerusalem that is Cincinnati. He asked if he could play catch with A.J. Green, who sometimes goes by the name Cable.
Fantasy tip: Deadpool
2025 – 10. Los Angeles Chargers
2016 – 9. Southern Canada Seahawks
What?!? I can’t hear you!!! It’s loud in this stadium full of “fans”!!! Isn’t it fun to be loud!?!?! We’re all Oregon Duck fans too!!!! They are not as good as they used to be, so they will only be somewhat good. Know what I mean? Do you? Please give me a sports radio show now!
Fantasy tip: Tyler Lockett
2025 – 9. Cincinnati Bengals
2016 – 8. New Jersey Jets
They will do reasonably well due to extraterrestrial involvement with what we know as “gravity.” You will see the ball do weird things to the sound of slide whistles and trombones. Players will go unrealistically high to catch balls, and defensive players will suddenly be frozen seconds away from tackling a Jet. But before they can reach the Super Bowl, the U.S. government intervenes and captures the aliens, erasing our memories.
Fantasy tip: What? Where am I? I didn’t know I had a pug?
2025 – 8. Green Bay Packers
2016 – 7. Arizona Cardinals
Sorry, bottom of Pearl Harbor. Never forget.
Fantasy tip: Get German scientists to help with a giant bomb.
2025 – 7. Washington Commanders
2016 – 6. Green Bay Packers
In a communist league, the popular socialists owned the Green Bay Packers. That wide-eyed Aaaaron Rodgers is still sexy, charismatic, and ready to do more commercials. They are going to choke in the game; everyone thought they would win and make it to the Super Bowl—sad trombones.
Fantasy tip: Jordy Nelson
2025 – Santa Clara 49ers
2016 – 5. Denver Broncos
They are only here because of defense. Their offense is somewhere in the low twenties, but their defense can, and does, win games. . . wow! I sounded really sporty there!
Fantasy tip: the defense
2025 – 5. Detroit Lions
2016 – 4. New England Patriots
The problem isn’t that the Patriots cheat; it’s that they get caught and can no longer do so. Matt Damon is not the quarterback, so there’s no more memory loss or violent kung fu in exotic places. Be on the lookout for torn sweatshirts and the grumpy face guy, though. I hope that they do worse than they usually do, but they seem to cheat right.
Fantasy tip: LeGarrette Blount
2025 – 4. Kansas City Bosses
2016 – 3. Pittsburgh Steelers
Here they are again. They were doing well, and then they sucked, but now they are on top again! Big Ben is DTF and ready to take this team to the bowl. Maybe the refs won’t help them win the game this time?
Fantasy tip: don’t club with Big Ben
2025 – 3. Buffalo Bills
2016 – 2. Carolina Panthers (They use the fact that you don’t know which Carolina they are from to win games)
Super QB Cam Newton is gonna try again. They have a lot of the same components as last year, except for a few hot rookies in the corners. There will be shenanigans and wins for sure.
Fantasy tip: Cam Newton. The only player I know really, so he must be good.
2025 – 2. Baltimore Ravens
2016 – 1. The New York Giants
Here are this season’s Super Bowl winners. Eli Manning isn’t going to let Peyton have the same number of rings as him. Remember, it took years for Peyton to get that second one? And he had to move to Denver to do it? Well, Eli smells blood and will win the NFL hand egg tournament.
Fantasy tip: Brad Wing
2025 – Philadelphia Eagles