Meditation for January 4th
Office Culture
Here at the Cracked Pot Meditations, we have over 50 workers tirelessly researching the art and science of meditation. Every one of those workers has a workspace. We believe in making the workspace work for us so that we can be more creative and more productive.
No meetings
We don’t have any meetings. We don’t even want more than two people getting together to discuss work. Sure, yap about HBO shows and how racist your aunt is, but don’t all sit down and design anything. Meetings make people sleepy.
Pets
Everyone here at CPM must have a pet, and that pet must come to work with you. Bob in accounting brings in his laberdoodle, Stan. Letia in R&D has a boa named Daniel Ortega. Darlene in reception is so negative, she only has a pet rock named Jim Rockford. Sometimes pets fight each other. Remember, no gambling!
Meditations
Where would CPM be without meditation? We set aside six hours a day for mindfulness, stillness, and traditional meditation. We have rooms set up to look very Buddhist. We have a zen garden where people can rake lines around rocks. We have guided meditations in float tanks. We also have Ayahuasca. We also have a gun range for those who need to blow off a little steam. Sometimes Ayahuasca Fridays and the gun range don’t mix.
Work from a fantastic location
It’s one thing to work from home; it’s another to work from Mosul, Iraq, during a firefight. Studies have shown that working from hot, exotic, and dangerous locations produces much better results. Now imagine working in a firefight in Mosul, Iraq, on Ayahuasca Friday. The sweet sounds of bullets zipping overhead let our workers focus on getting the job done.
No Microsoft
We do want to work a little bit, and our answer is to avoid using any of Microsoft’s business tools. They don’t work. And they work less after updates, so we have decided to go with a non-Microsoft office suite. It works better. Even on Ayahuasca, Microsoft doesn’t make any sense.
Remote Work
While we don’t do office meetings, we do want a unifying work culture, and we already invested in this billion-dollar office building in downtown right before the 2020 pandemic. Hence, we kinda have to use it. Plus, we can’t just cheaply convert the office building into affordable homes, so we want people to come into the office, clogging the city’s roads. We don’t recommend doing Ayahuasca before commuting to work.
Fuck goals
We have lots of people who work here at the Crack who don’t have any discernible goals or purpose for drawing a paycheck, but goals bog down work. Goalkeepers watch the clock and stay stressed. The people who don’t have goals spend their days playing ping pong, playing Xbox, and shooting up the zen garden high on Ayahuasca.