On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for April 30th, 2016
Somebody Lies to You Every Day.
Living an honest and open life is a great goal and can be mastered if you live without interacting with others. Whenever you communicate with someone, you do not have to tell them the whole truth, omit information, or downright lie to that person. This means that every time you converse with someone, they are lying to you.
Oh my god! You wore that? Everyone is telling you how cute your outfit is, but all that means is you will wear this “outfit” again. When people say they think your outfit is cute and you know they have no intention of sleeping with you, they are lying. If they have intentions to sleep with you, then they, too, are lying. You will have to decide if the dress is cute or not.
You have great friends. They tell you that you are so talented. They tell you how smart you are and how creative you are. They might just be trying to keep you as a friend or have some other nefarious reason to butter you up. They’ll be your friend for as long as there is something in it for them. You’ll have to act like your own no-man.
They look so sad, and you keep asking them if they’re okay, and they keep saying yes, but they want you to leave them alone because you are the last person they want to talk to about any of their problems. Remember the last time you tried to help, you just made it about you and followed up with phone calls, giving advice? Then you openly got mad at them for not following your sage advice. Yeah, you suck at comforting.
You think everyone agrees with you because no one is challenging your opinion. They are all screaming at you inside their heads, but they want this moment of you saying idiotic shit to pass. Most people will do anything not to get into a confrontation, so you might just be saying things that no one likes and doesn’t know it.
Your grandma will always say you’re handsome or beautiful. Your friends will always think you’re great and support you no matter what. Your coworkers will try to ensure there is no boat rocking. A stranger isn’t going to confront your opinions. People would rather lie than deal with you on an honest, fundamental level. Even your own Grandma is lying to you.
Prayer
Goddess of Hurting Graces
Yes, you look beautiful in that.
No, I don’t need any help.
I got this.
I’m fine.
You are doing great.
That was so wonderful.
You are so talented.
You just be you.
I can’t think of anything wrong with that.
Wow, you are really good at this.
I love it!
This tastes wonderful.
Nothing’s wrong.
Just be yourself.
You should do this for a living.
Why aren’t you getting paid to do this?
You should be a comedian.
You should be a politician.
You should be a teacher.
You should be a serial killer who actually gets away with it, causing the detective who tirelessly pursues you to go slowly insane and then becomes a serial killer himself to try and figure out how you did it.
You’d be a great dad.
Amen.
Craft
Don’t take this as a sign that you need more honesty. This isn’t a plea for people to say how it is. You can’t be a sassy hard-to-get-along-with genius in the vein of House or Sherlock Holmes and treat people shitty, and people find your genius but socially ineptness endearing.
Little lies and some exaggeration can strengthen friendships and make a person happy for a few minutes.
You don’t have to be right all the time. No one has the job of correcting the world because nothing is important enough for someone to be a professional asshole. Unless you want to die alone and hated, just let the idiots juggle their shit happily.
Goal
Lie and accept lies. This is how civilization works. Truth is so grey, but lies are so concrete and tangible.