On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for June 28th
The Book of Judges
I usually judge a lifestyle or a person by the actions of one individual. If a VW Jetta cuts me off in traffic, then all VWs are evil Nazi cars bent on world domination. The world judges us by our actions and not our thoughts, so when we are a known whatever and we act like a fucking tool, that whatever is forever tarnished by whomever watched you be a fucking tool.
Here are some lifestyles and groups of people that have been negatively impacted in my life by one person or a few individuals.
Yoga Instructors
My coworker is a yoga instructor. She is always telling me recipes that include peach pits and swamp water boiled with ginkgo and garlic cloves, which would have cured my cancer. She practices a form of yoga that involves intricate, athletic movements in a hot room.
She calls in sick frequently. Like once every two weeks! This means that yoga just makes you a sickly person who just can’t stand up for four to eight hours at a time. Don’t do yoga, it’ll make you sick.
Vegans
This took a few people, but vegans have taught me that they are a sickly bunch that have an uncontrollable amount of allergies (like the Democrats oughta regulate that shit, only two allergies per person!) and political extremism when it comes to animal rights.
Vegans want the world to stop eating animals at the cost of human life. They would literally kill a human to save a lab mouse.
With the politeness of ISIS at a bar mitzvah (This was written in 2016, and since then ISIS has become one of Israel’s most prominent financial supporters after the US), Vegans will ruin a good meal with their disdain and their verbal terrorism on the screams pigs make when they peel delicious slabs of bacon off, but don’t realize the environmental impact of soy and other plant base proteins are worse than raising animals. All vegans are terrible.
Microsoft
I just watched my girlfriend in the middle of her online course when her computer shut down to update her Windows. Why? Why did it have to update then? Why can’t it be as considerate as Apple and ask first? Even ask if later tonight is better.
I now work with a company that uses Microsoft for its business suites, and I often feel like an out-of-control person with road rage in my home office, dealing with Microsoft’s glitchy systems at least once a day.
Microsoft is just dumb. Once, I bought a computer with the option of Microsoft or Linux, so I chose Microsoft. One of my D&D buddies was very upset with me because I’d chosen Microsoft instead of Linux. So, from then on, whenever I acted dumb, I’d say, “Don’t get mad at me; I use Microsoft.”
Republicans
Pat Buchanan’s “culture war” speech at the 1992 Republican convention.
“The agenda [Bill] Clinton and [Hillary] Clinton would impose on America—abortion on demand, a litmus test for the Supreme Court, homosexual rights, discrimination against religious schools, women in combat units—that’s change, all right. But it is not the kind of change America wants. It is not the kind of change America needs. And it is not the kind of change we can tolerate in a nation that we still call God’s country.”
Magic: The Gathering
They took a really great concept of epic fantasy and put it into a card game. The only problem is that the fantasy aspect takes a back seat. So, why even paint a bunch of pictures on the cards when the game is just treated like nerdy poker with dice?
This is a game for bozos who lack imagination but still wants to crit on ice giants. It’s allowing too many jocks to enjoy nerd culture.
The Utah Jazz
1988. Jazz took Portland in the first round. They had a hick ass power forward named Karl “the Mailman” Malone and this little dweeb that looked like your uncle playing at the Y, John Q. Stockton. Ugly ass little shorts and tall socks and ever since then I just can not like the Utah Jazz. Won’t like the Utah Jazz.
Now they have this player, Gordon Hayward, who looks like he does his hair between quarters. Ugh, hate him so much.
Rhode Island Drivers
In 2021, I moved to Rhode Island, knowing I would have to adjust to some cultural differences between the Pacific Northwest and New England, but nothing prepared me for the driving. While they will try to point out that they are just being aggressive in an egotistical manner, it is beyond that, and the only way I can explain it is that all Rhode Island drivers drive like Libertarians: they get to do whatever they want at the cost of many. There are national auto insurance companies that have stopped insuring new drivers in Rhode Island and neighboring Massachusetts due to the significant financial losses they incur each year from accidents. Rhode Island drivers cannot drive.