On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for May 27th
The Secret to Life
If you go through the plethora of websites and the cornucopia of books on how to have a successful life, they all say the same things. This will be the most important meditation post I write because I will share these main ideas that are the common thread in self-help culture for free. You will no longer have to read another book, read blogs on hacking your life, go to seminars to boost your confidence, waste your weekends at useless retreats, or climb a mountain and ask an enlightened old man any more questions; I am just going to tell you.
Get some fucking sleep
You really actually need eightish hours of sleep. Staying out partying till dawn or just playing video games until morning is going to take years off your life, make you an anxious wreck, and saturate you with depression. Get some fucking sleep. You’ll just have to miss out on shenanigans and hours logged into your video game or internet vortexes.
Learn some sleep hygiene. Don’t look at your phone lying in bed because you will just be lying there for hours, and your brain won’t be able to shut off. Read a book. Don’t use your bed for anything other than sleep. If your bedroom is your office, dining room, and bathroom, your bed won’t be easy to sleep in.
Eat something fucking healthy
I know Jack in the Box is open 24 hours and also serves breakfast that whole time, but it’s time to pick your food better. Are you sluggish, your skin all broken out, and you smell terrible? It’s because you eat like an idiot. If you are right, your mood will be better, your skin healthier, and you’ll smell naturally wonderful.
You don’t have to start an intense, specific diet where you have to eat only certain things and not eat certain other things. Strict diets are for control freaks. Just eat a little of this and a little of that. Stay away from too much of this and too much of that.
Learn to cook. Learn how to begin cooking before you become irritable and hungry, so you don’t have to run to Taco Bell.
If you want to have a shot at a good day, eat breakfast. Waiting till you’ve been up four or five hours to eat a large pizza is just asking to be grumpy, unable to make sane decisions, or keep your anxiety in order.
Just keep a fucking schedule
If you want to eat right and sleep the amount you should, keep a consistent schedule. You don’t have to get all crazy about it, but doing things around the same time daily will do wonders for your sanity. Sometimes discipline is necessary when we get off our schedule to return to our routine.
Get some goddamned excercise
Stop sitting there wishing you were healthier or happier; just start by walking around outside. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, you can feel better, sleep more restfully, and get hungry for healthier foods just by moving around more. Put the Netflix away for one hour and jog around, do some push-ups, or lift some weights.
Stop hanging out in shitty environments
Get the fuck out of crappy bars, damp dark basements, away from toxic roommates & abusive relationships or anything else that is stunting your growth. You don’t have to put up with a goddamned thing. This includes family. I know this goes against every Hallmak movie ever, but you don’t have to hang with your family if they suck.
Just hang out by yourself some fucking times
Turn off your electronic devices and really hang out with yourself. Write in your journal. Enjoy a healthy hobby. Learn to not need a fucking person every time you feel weird. Get to know yourself since you’ll have to put up with yourself for a long time. If you can’t hang out by yourself, this is a sign that you might need to work on yourself.
Yes, fucking meditate
Sit down and breathe. Don’t try to figure out your future or waste time dwelling on your past; just breathe. It’s healthy, and doctors and scientists say it’s good, so fucking do it.
Learn some goddamned humility
You aren’t perfect, nor are you a fucking piece of shit. Use your strengths to improve the world and learn to work on your weaknesses. Jesus, man, you can always be better. Don’t settle for what you are right now, you fucking suck right now.
Stop pretending you are any good at anything. You will always be mediocre. This goes for sucking too, someone will always suck worse. No one likes a blow hard braggart or a self described piece of shit.
Be a fucking helpful person
Instead of always being concerned how you’re doing and always looking for ways to make your self fucking happy, why don’t you actually be of service to someone else. Volunteer someplace and just get out of that self-centered shitty mind of yours. Try to give instead of take in all your relationships. Try to add instead of being all pissy about shit not being perfect. Goddamnit, just be nice to the barista or the cashier for once.
There you go, the fucking secrets to life. I just saved you hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, that you would have wasted on books and retreats, cults and gurus.
You’re welcome.