Meditation for December 10th
The Symbols of Christmas
Well, you’d better get those gifts ready, because Christmas is just around the corner. You have the wreath on the door and the stockings over the fireplace awaiting Santa’s arrival. Have you ever wondered what a lot of these symbols mean?
Wreaths
These circles of tree trimmings symbolize the crown of thorns Jesus wore on his very last day alive. You are saying to your guests coming over for cups of eggnog that you might be a sadist. To give the wreath a better look, try streaking your door with blood.
Christmas Carols
A fun tradition from the crusades, where Christians would use the festive songs for enhanced interrogation (torture) when they captured either Muslims or the wrong kind of Christians and were trying to extract information from them. This method is still used by our military today.
Candy Canes
These hooks represent the canes that nuns use to cane their students, and the blood represents the students’ blood that gets on the canes after the nuns cane their students. Mele Kalikimaka! For fun Christmas history about some of this, Google Indian Boarding Schools. I think Canada and the U.S. were competing on having the best schools for Native Americans!
Christmas Trees
Bringing the outside inside started because Europeans were too dumb to build walls, so evergreen trees were used to keep the roof up. In the winter, they would decorate the tree with candles and shiny things because winter sucks and this was the only thing they could do back then for seasonal depression. Zoloft and the Hallmark channel were centuries off. Getting drunk and staring at sparkly trees was the only cure.
Milk and Cookies for Santa
This tradition represents a sacrifice, often an animal, or, if you are rich, a human. A lot of people don’t speak about the cannibalistic part of the Santa story. Before they were separated, the US military at the turn of the last century, Krampus and Saint Nick were one, and either he would deliver toys to the good or kidnap and eat the kids that weren’t good. Coca-Cola has spent billions covering it up. See below on Krampus.
Snowmen
These snow people are based on the Jewish tradition of creating golems who would then haunt the enemies of their creator. If you wake up and there is a snowman in your yard, and you or someone in your family didn’t create it, you are doomed. DOOOMED! DDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gingerbread Men
This delicious act of eating a humanoid is to remind you that you can make a cute little man, but you can’t make him live. Only God can do that. But you can enjoy Krampus’s favorite pastime, eating people. See below for Krampus.
Bells
Bells are to remind us that Jesus has come back alive, and this means Christians are all coming back as the undead to eat our brains. We find the bells to warn others of the oncoming Christian undead hordes. This is what they wanted, so don’t feel bad for them; they lived as they died, brainless and wishing to cause those not infected harm.
Mistletoe
This little plant is a parasite in another plant, so like Christianity on modern culture, it hangs in high places, making women kiss men they don’t want to kiss – just like Jesus did, or was Judas a man? Either way, Judas and Jesus kissed.
Holly
Both Jesus and Santa have a real prickly personality, and if you get to know them, you will find them toxic. This is just like the sharp leaves and poisonous berries of the holly tree. Merry Christmas!
Christmas Colors
Red is for the color of Coca-Cola, the sponsors of Christmas, and green is for money, the only reason the holiday is still celebrated today. Christmas can’t be Christian, since most people finance their Christmases with credit, and the Bible says it’s wrong to charge interest four times. If you are using a credit card to buy Christmas gifts, then you are breaking biblical rules.
Tinsel
These shiny strings that get on everything mean nothing.
12 Days of Christmas
This signifies how long it took the three wise men to find baby Jesus. It does beg the question, how wise were they?
Stockings
Santa is a world-renowned drag queen who loves the feel of nylons on his smooth, waxed legs, so people hang stockings over the fireplace so Santa can prance around the living room and Christmas tree pretending to be a famous golden age actress, making kissing faces and waving to her adoring fans. Santa would thank the family by leaving smaller gifts in the stockings. Because of today’s fear of gender identification, people have put up big, heavy socks as stockings.
Elf on a Shelf
One of the first products built to surveil Americans year-round, before reporting it to Santa Claus and the FBI for record-keeping. First used by J. Edgar Hoover as an informant against anti-American enemies like communists and John Lennon, Elf on a Shelf has been used by companies and the US Government to legally codon pre-crime arrests using the intelligence gathered by these pint-sized spies.
Christmas Gifts
This was created because, between Jesus being a carpenter and a prophet, he was also an economist. He decided that a vast, almost mandatory holiday at the end of the year could help businesses in the retail industry sell a shit load of stuff and close the year with a bang. Also, you do have to buy love.
Krampus (and coal)
Krampus is the anti-Santa. They were at time one, but were separated because Krampus was seen as a weapon by the US military. The creature would carry off children who didn’t behave to be eaten (see the milk and cookies for Santa). You see, in the past, humans couldn’t be good for good’s sake without a punishment hanging over their heads, so the Krampus is that punishment for children. Now, kids get coal if they’re bad, because coal represents hell, and that is where bad people go if they don’t behave, because people still won’t just do the right thing without the fear of eternal damnation to keep them in check.