On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for August 15th
What Does Your Favorite La Croix Flavor Say About You?
Nothin’ beats a lovely refreshing La Croix (Leh – Qurotchuaxghuzve) on a hot summer day. They seem to have the right kind of fizzy carbonation to deliver a slight flavor punch of whatever essence they magically have. Did you know that the flavor you prefer is a sign of what kind of personality you have?
First off, La Croix comes from Wisconsin and was found gushing out of rocks by the local Ho-Chunk tribe. They found that it had healing properties, but when the white man came, they used it to curse the white man to boring, mundane lives the minute they tasted the cool, refreshing beverage. White people have been giggling about salads ever since.
There are 20 flavors, each telling a different story of those who choose it as their favorite.
Pure: A boring old person who probably calls it seltzer or club soda. Probably in a wheelchair, complaining about people complaining, and maybe if they don’t like it, they can leave.
Lemon: Recovering alcoholic or addict who drinks whole six packs an hour. Look for these fuckers at taco stands smoking and looking mean – but sober. Fucking psychos.
Lime: Total obnoxious clowns that fight for the center of attention. Lime drinkers usually have scars from stunts gone wrong. Lime fans love fire.
Grapefruit: These are total sheep that want so badly to fit in. They have never had an original idea in their life and will beat an inside joke to death. They will also try to become you if you seem “hip”.
Passionfruit: Oh, aren’t you fun! Only in your head. You tell jokes and think you come up with amusing ideas for things to do. “Wouldn’t that be weird!” you scream as you chug your passionfruit La Croix. Everyone around you groans.
Mango: You love anything exotic. You practice yoga. You grow bamboo around your house. You have Tibetan prayer flags in your front yard, your back yard, AND in your bathroom. You wear a kimono at night. You cook with bok choy. You drink mango La Croix.
Apricot: You loooooovvvee the 80s. You think it is so funny, and you dress up like it’s the late 80s every day. You started doing it as a joke once in a while, but then you realized you didn’t have any other identity except this young person pretending to be from the 80s, so you embraced it.
Cran-raspberry: You have rage issues, and only a little thing will set you off into a total anger black out.
Berry: You are a disgusting, ugly, terrible person. You also have a lot of money, and that can’t even buy you love.
Orange: You sit among your friends who are all talking about how it would be great if Bernie were president. You smile, but the smile isn’t sincere. You don’t exactly believe that Bernie would be suitable for America, but you are no fan of Hillary or Trump. You dismiss the Green Party platform as just hippy utopia dreams that can’t ever come true, so you think about Gary Johnson, the Libertarian Party candidate as a solid candidate for President of the United States because you kinda believe that the government shouldn’t be telling you what to do, and while you believe this, this isn’t based on any research, just pure emotional response to seeing too many homeless people downtown, but you can’t admit that to any of your “radical” friends who are now defending Colin Kaepernick’s decision to not stand up for the national anthem to no one present.
Coconut: There you stand in your plaid shorts, your vape pen, and your fedora, talking about Pokémon Go, drinking a coconut La Croix.
Peach Pear: You sit in your condo on your Ikea furniture listening to NPR and being annoyed by the sounds of bums looking for cans seven stories below your safe place. You also try to show up to all the contrived events advertised in the weekly free paper.
Tangerine: You’re really into remote control drones and nothing else. Your significant other is also really into drones, and nothing else. Sometimes you guys wear the same shirts.
Somme Baya (Apple Berry): You are very defensive of the things you are interested in because some of the things you are into are questionable morally.
Cerise Limon (Lemon Cherry): You love techno music and dancing. You also love a good oversized Hawaiian shirt.
Pina Fraise (Pineapple Strawberry): You believe that there are no bad days. You love the beach, margaritas, country music with a Caribbean bend, and hammocks. You are also always wearing flip-flops.
Kiwi Sandia (Kiwi Watermelon): You have murdered someone, but got away with it by flipping on your old friends with the feds. You don’t see anything wrong with being a snitch, and you spend your weekends trying to make the perfect lawn.
Melon Pomelo (Cantaloup Pink Grapefruit): You are really into exercise. You can’t feel good unless you are sweating and hurting from overdoing athletic strain. You do weights, long-distance runs, yoga, and rugby. You look down on people who don’t do CrossFit and eat paleo. They keep saying they are just doing all this exercise to prolong their quality of life, but usually they come down with some genetic disease that curbs their quality of life by decades.
Mure Pepino (Blackberry Cucumber): You wear loud shirts, a funny hat, and zany sunglasses. You’re a bit noisy, you laugh at most things, and you love to have a good time. You have a catch phrase, and you repeat a lot of your jokes.
LaCola: Finally, someone created that taste of finishing a can of Diet Coke, forgetting about it for an hour out under the hot sun, sees the can, and takes a slurping sip of the little bit left in the can that tastes like warm cola-flavored water. This is for people who feel like they don’t deserve anything nice.
What about the people who don’t like any of the La Croix flavors? Well, you probably don’t like La Croix because of the lack of sugar, so you’re just a fat fuck.