On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for June 8th
What Kind of Partner Are You Based on Your Sign?
Aries: Always fucking there
Aries are fiercely loyal. They are too faithful to a fault by never being anywhere else but right next to you, wondering how they can make you feel better. The Aries is also way into adventuring, so if you are looking for a quiet companion, stay away from these spring weirdoes – they want to skydive and shit and you will have to go.
Taurus: Ohmygawd, soooooo boring!
The Bull is into supporting and helping out however this person can, but other than that, nothing is going on. They will want to sit in silence and listen to your breathing and weird shit like that. If you’re looking for a passionate partner, skip these rainy-day-birthday-personality-vacant-cows. You will wake up to them staring at you all the time.
Gemini: Alcoholic
The only issue with dating a Gemini is that this Gemini wants to date you, which means you either have a chemical dependency problem or you have serious co-dependency issues. You will be following this party animal party to party, social circle to social circle, either being taken care of by the Gemini or you will be trying to keep the Gemini out of trouble. Get ready for the romantic life of taking care of a drunk.
Cancer: The One That Feels
This summer, the Cancer will look to soak up your emotions and add them to their own. You will become unable to be quiet with your thoughts because the Crab will know how you’re feeling and ask to go over those feelings. Cancer is the most psychic, making up 94% of all those in the world who hold psychic abilities. Get ready to process. Get ready to drift off to sleep, and suddenly you hear from your Cancer partner, “We need to talk”.
Leo: There they are, there they go
The Lion will crash into your life, complete it, and disappear before you know what’s happening. Good luck taming this wild beast. If you try to tie one down, they will stare out the window and wish they were anywhere but there with you. If you let them leave for a while, they will come back to you with all attention in your favor until you get used to it, and then they will sit there again with that dead inside wanderlust stare at the window leading out to their escape. Don’t trap a Leo.
Virgo: Welp, they have a lot of heart.
Virgos will try very hard. Virgos are friendly people. They mean well. They are a very special and unique sign. Just let them have a few chances before being so bored you want to have sex with a rattlesnake to feel again.
*Libra: The one that is balanced . . . or not.
Boy, oh boy, if you see a Libra from a distance, you will see a balanced, well-adjusted human being, but get closer and see a tornado of emotions and insanities based on unrealistic fears. They are like emotional Impressionist paintings. They look very similar to a lily pad when you are far away, but as they get closer, you only see smudging of colors fighting for space, looking like a melting Seattle Seahawk helmet. Give a Libra a test drive for about six months before going all in.
*(I’m a Libra)
Scorpio: The Armored Lover
You will discover the real Scorpio because they will never show you. The guards will be up forever. You can be at the bedside of your Scorpio lover after spending 75 years with this person and realize that they have never shown their true self to you. You will feel betrayed after realizing you had spent all that time revealing your deepest inner self, and you did not get anything in return—just that cold, dead smile for 75 years. If you want a partner who won’t ever process, get yourself a nice Scorpio.
Sagittarius: Just a really nice person
Yes, this is the lovely person sign. You don’t want to have a lot of sex with them, you don’t want to travel all over the place with them, you don’t even want to have intense personal talks with this person, but you want to bowl and join a book club with this person. You will have matching shirts and hats at some point in your life, but you will always wonder if you love this person or if they are just easy to get along with.
Capricorn: Put a ring on it because it wants to put a ring on you
If you are lucky and meet a Capricorn, then that person has already fantasized about the wedding you two will have during first drinks. The Capricorn will be beside themselves wondering how long to wait before they should ask you to marry them. It won’t be a surprise if you find out they have been engaged half a dozen times.
Aquarius: The friends first, then there was that one night
Yes, you two were close friends for years and years until one night you two were drunk and you ended up on your front porch after a rain storm, and while you were struggling to find your keys, you made out right on the porch, and now you have been together for a long time. You two hang out like buddies still all the time and even treat each other like friends, but every once in a while, you’ll have sex, and you will be reminded that you are in a committed relationship with this person. You two probably love to kayak and going antiquing.
Pisces: Emotionally available…but single
The Pisces is this enigma that exists right at the blind spot of most other single people. A person will start dating someone, and then one day they will be at work and notice the Pisces who has been working there the whole time, and the person will wonder for a second, why didn’t I ever ask that person out on a date when they were single? They’re cute and friendly, but they never noticed them until today. Oh well. That is why, if you look up the stats on Pisces, you will see that they are all unhappily single.