On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for June 22nd
Why You Need a Life Coach
You are completely lost
You don’t know what to do, what to be, where to go, what or whom you are, and you certainly have no idea how to find out. There wasn’t a class in middle school on how to be a person; you never got the life manual, and so you are just floating in an ocean wondering if you’ll just give up and drown, get eaten by sharks, or be picked up by pirates.
A life coach will make your decisions for you. They will make your days easier by giving you the goal of being a physically strong, overenthusiastic idiot. Gym and salads are life, man. You will never have to create any goals again because it will be up to the life coach to design them for you.
You are just an unhappy piece of shit
You want to stay in bed all day and eat painkillers like Brian Wilson (he was alive in 2016), but you know you can’t, so you begrudgingly put on your god-awful pants and go to your dead-end job that rewards you with a place to go every day, so you can afford your shelter and food and other means to live. Earning a living is our system; if you don’t earn it, you don’t deserve it. Hard to be happy when levels of happiness are contingent on financial freedoms. Maybe there is something you can do instead of working, unwinding from work, and then getting ready for work.
You have no idea how to be happy. A life coach will talk to you about what makes you happy. For most people, going to the gym and eating salads makes them happy. Don’t look for hobbies or passions to find happiness. You should spend your free time, the little you have, beating the crap out of yourself at the gym and eating less-than-delicious piles of leaves. A life coach will keep you on track if you start questioning the system.
You just got dumped for being an ambitionless asshole
Your partner of a few years just walked out on you because you just won’t change. You are still playing video games until 4 in the morning, and you don’t see anything wrong with that, not changing. Your partner just told you that you need to grow up and that maybe they’d consider you if you showed some kind of initiative. You don’t want to grow up; you still wish for summer breaks. Why can’t work be cancelled for a snow day?
You hire a life coach, get your body and mind on fleek, get your partner to ‘consider’ you again, and then go out with someone better! The only way to show ambition is to spend your free time walking around a gym, lifting heavy things in the mirror, and choosing the least delicious item on any menu. Sell the PlayStation for some cross-trainers.
It’s incredible what the gym and salads can do.
You’re a scared little shit
You are afraid of what it will take to be a successful adult in this world. You won’t answer your phone, look in the mailbox, or stay away from places where you might run into someone you know. You get headaches from watching a whole series on Netflix, and you won’t buy more toothpaste, so you brush your teeth with a dry toothbrush. You are scared and depressed about it. The world is too big, scary, and confusing, so you need someone to coach you.
Get a life coach who will say all kinds of motivating things like, “Go to the gym!” and “Eat a salad!” You’ll suddenly be facing the world with confidence. Don’t use ranch dressing. You won’t have to worry about running into anyone you know because your whole personality is now your life coach’s, and you are so boring because you only go to the gym and eat salads, so they will start ducking you instead of you ducking them.
You’ve done therapy, acupuncture, yoga, reiki, floats, read all kinds of self-help books, and went to South America and tried ayahuasca, so now you’re saying, now what?
Well, you haven’t had anyone tell you to go to the gym and eat salads, so now it’s time to try out a life coach.
Life coaches help you find the solution to your problems and help you live a fulfilling life by telling you everything you already know. Still, because you paid a lot of money to have someone tell you what to do, like go to the gym and eat salads, you will do it because it seems weird to spend that kind of money not to do anything a life coach tells you.
But then again, you have had gym memberships before and didn’t go.
You feel like you aren’t smart enough
You are sitting with friends, and they are discussing economics, politics, or philosophy. You feel like you don’t have anything to add and don’t really understand what they are discussing, so you just keep quiet and hope to God they start talking about something you know about so you can flex your limited knowledge.
Learn everything you need to know from a life coach, like what to do at a gym and all the ingredients you need for a salad. You might not have anything to add to an intellectual conversation, but who cares? You look sick.
You can’t get a date
You’re on the apps, and you have written a beautiful bio and put as much information out there as possible to hopefully attract a person who would find you attractive and has similar life philosophies. You wake up everyday with no likes or matches and you wonder if you are an ugly piece of shit that no one will ever fall in love with. Is it your looks, your personality, your vibe? Something is not jiving with the other lonely people swiping through the apps as they lie in their beds alone, wishing they weren’t alone, but not enough not to match that person.
Get a life coach. They will teach you that looks are the most important thing, and to get that, you need to go to the gym and eat salads. You can finally just have “looking for a long-term relationship” and not any more info because you are too hot to need to put any of your interests or needs on your profile.
There isn’t a point in anything
This is slightly different than the category of being lost. Being lost means you think there is something to find, but not seeing the point of anything means there is nothing to find. The universe is a cruel, uncaring place. Humans are biological anomalies that evolved out of the primordial ooze from meteorites, bringing the recipe for single-celled organisms to become multicelled organisms. We think we have some divine purpose because we have language and thumbs. Still, there are no gods, just cells feeding to be alive, to breed, and then to die and nurture the earth with our decay. While others see art and poetry in the rising sun, we see a giant star that will someday burn itself out, get so heavy in it’s death that it will tear the fabric of time and space and create a black hole, but this is millions if not billions years after humans existed in what the universe will see as a blink of an eye, so why are we sending these emails to be able to keep a roof over our heads?
A life coach will be great for taking the meaning out of the universe and turning our attention to the one thing that matters: to be skinny and swole.
Get ready to go to the gym and eat salads.