On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for August 23rd
Witchcraft Wards
Witches put spells on you. Most of you don’t even realize that you are under a witch’s magical hex. You may think that what you are doing is free will, but in reality, you are under the control of a witch.
If you are already under a spell, there is nothing you can do. You’ll know that you are under a spell if you keep having a string of bad days, and it’s just the little things that bug you.
If you are afraid you might come under a witch’s spell, then here are some wards to help keep witches away.
Hide your shoes
Don’t just leave your shoes out for any witch to hide in and give you gout; hide those shoes in your walls. Witches can do a lot with shoes, so the best place to keep your shoes is on your feet. However, if you are one of those weirdos who sleep with naked feet, you’ll need to hide those kicks.
Elf Arrow Amulets
If you can find an elf arrow and keep it away from sunlight, you have a strong anti-witch talisman. These little arrowheads are used by elves and other fey creatures right on the other side of dawn and twilight, but sometimes their weapons find themselves in our dimension.
Witches Bottles
Using an old bottle and taking some hair, nail clippings, skin, urine, scat, and blood from a suspected witch, you can take all the power of any spells that the witch targets you with. They can’t make any magic stick to you if you have all those small parts of them in a bottle.
Witch seats
If your house doesn’t have a place for a tired old witch to rest, she will fly down your chimney and cause havoc. Mostly stealing one sock, getting rid of your milk or spoiling it early, dropping literal shit into your lovers mouth who wakes up wanting some kissy time, move corners an inch or two further out to find your toe in the middle of the night and slows down your internet to a screeching halt in the middle of a masturbation sesh.
Putting some benches or chairs in your yard will let the witch rest rather than looking to cause you chaos.
Witch balls
No, they aren’t those, perv-o, I’m talking about those glass floats you find along the coast. If you have those in your window, it will trap a witch inside the sphere, where she can only make you into a reality show, cooking show, or televised golf fan, but that is better than what she could do if not trapped in the ball.
(Could you imagine listening to golf on the radio? ZZZ)
Salt
If you keep a ring of salt around your bedroom, no witch or magical beast can enter that circle. Careful, just a slight breeze can make the circle open and a furious witch in your face.
Add pepper and you can make most food more delicious.
The Rowan Tree
While the tree is a good ward against any witchcraft, and the small parts of the Rowan tree can protect rooms and our things from witches, nothing can help ensure one from a witch spell than Rowan bark underwear. Witches hate men, so they like to target their crotches, but hiding your jewels inside a pair of rowan tree bark will help keep you safe.
Witch Marks
These are straight-up runes and symbols scratched into your walls and doors that will keep away witches. Some symbols that witches hate are as follows.
Pentagram
Compass
Upside-down cross
A tribal armband tattoo
USMC Tazmanian Devil
Tweety bird
Butterfly tramp stamp
Boobs
Googly eyes
Any emojis – especially the poop
Anything Star Trek related
Charms
Some charms are blessed religiously or by other witches. If you have a trinket that has been blessed by a priest or cursed by a witch, no witch will come near you. Take your old jewelry to the local church and have the priest bless it. With these charms, you’re like covered in shit to a witch now.
Hag stones
In England, they have hollow stones, and these can keep witches away if you have enough of them. Here in America, we have Lizard Egg rocks, which can keep a witch at bay, and crack rock, which will make the witch feel sorry for us since we cursed ourselves.
Holy water
Any water that has been shot through a water pick is holy, and witches hate that shit. La Croix is not holy water, and witches love that shit.
Diet Coke is witch blood.