Meditation for January 15th
Moon
The moon is significant in most spiritual and religious practices. It controls the ocean’s tide. Some say it controls the tides in our blood and brains, so the wholeness of the moon is vital to our moods. The position of the moon when we were born and on our birthdays can foretell our futures in our horoscopes. When something goes wrong with the technology around us, we shake our fists at our ability to land on the moon, but not at fixing the simple problem that inconveniences our lives.
We never landed on the moon. It was a Kubrick film project in conjunction with the CIA to win a Cold War battle. We still don’t know how to fly a jet-propelled rocket and land a human being on the moon. This means that whatever is inconveniencing you right now is supposed to happen because we never landed on the moon. Until we actually land on the moon, we will continue to be inconvenienced. With the moon out of our reach, we won’t have the ability to overcome anything. Now that we are cutting NASA’s budget, we will never be able to reach the moon to take control of our destiny.
Is your phone acting shitty? We never landed on the moon. Excel is not keeping the little equations in the little cells. We never landed on the moon. Is it taking more than a few seconds for your porn video to buffer? We never landed on the moon. Do famous people still die of cancer? We never landed on the moon. Do we still need Microsoft Explorer to fill out government documents so we can be insured? We never landed on the moon.
Next time you feel inconvenienced by some technological device or program, remember, we can’t even land on the moon.
Prayer
Great Big Creator Person,
let the moon remain a mystery.
May we never find out whether it is or isn’t made of cheese.
May we never find out it isn’t even a sphere, but the back of your home.
May we never find that we actually rotate around the moon.
May I remember that since we never landed on the moon,
We can’t really do anything cool at all:
like real hover boards that anyone can have
or flying cars
jet packs
being put in computer code like in Tron (and Tron 2: Legacy)
or being able to surf the Internet by beeping and booping with our fingers in the air in front of our faces
And that laser guns won’t replace the boring analog firearms, and that the future turns out to be vape and two-wheeled scooter thingies.
Amen.
P.S. Bring back magic.
Craft
Go on to Yelp and find negative reviews and reply with, “We never landed on the moon.” This will help the negative review writer realize that we aren’t as far into the future as we keep thinking we are.
Goal
Be less reliant on technology. Refuse to turn in typed papers at work or at school. Do it handwritten. Even if it is an Excel spreadsheet, get the ruler and calculator out and do it by hand. RSVP to Facebook invites by regular mail:
Dear ___________________,
Thank you for the invitation to your metal show on Facebook. I
would be delighted to attend the show. May I bring one person
with me? I would never be so lonely if I showed up by myself and
you were busy tuning your guitar to a drop D and I didn’t know nary
a soul. I think you’ll like the person I’m bringing. That person will
be paying for your show and hopefully later that night be having
sexual relations with me, thanks to my seemingly cultured knowledge
of Metal and all of its complex stylings.
May this letter find you in good health. I look forward to watching
you prance around the stage in eyeliner and a belt made of bullets.
Do you take requests?
Yours in music and Satan,
___________________
You can even try responding to Messenger by snail mail, too. Please don’t buy anything online; go to the store without checking hours or whether they have what you want in stock, and hope the door is unlocked and they have your size boot in stock. If they don’t, be okay with what they do have in stock and just be disappointed in the shoes you bought anyway. We never landed on the moon.