On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for August 1st
How to Parent
You have kids. They need you to parent them. Without you, they will die. Our babies require constant protection and care for a longer period than any other animal on earth. Kids are useless until they are about 7, and then the government says they still can’t get jobs.
Here at the David Everett Fisher Education Center, under the Eliot glacier on Mt. Hood, we have discovered how to raise a perfect child.
Don’t vaccinate your child.
Vaccination is the leading cause of autism, leukemia, meningitis, severe acne, and warts. There have been barely any cases of smallpox and polio in a hundred years, so it’s time to move on from the pharmaceutical companies telling us how to parent.
Just keep your child very clean with bleach and alcohol wipes.
Recover their birth memories – or even further back.
When a kid gets to a certain age, they mask their feelings and PTSD from birth by suppressing their birth memories. Help your child remember coming out of that flesh cave full of warmth and comfort and into the cold, harsh world. Remember, the real trauma is that we didn’t choose to be born, and now they are forced to reconcile that with finding meaning, and remembering the time before they were conceived will bring closure to their traumatic disorders.
You might need a special doctor for this, like a hypnotist or chiropractor.
Don’t give your kids any punishments
There is no such thing as adverse actions. Let your child act like they want to. Punishing a child for being unsafe or rude to others can stifle their creativity and open-mindedness. You have chosen to have a child, so you must sacrifice everything comfort-related and accept the screams and broken debris that lie in their wake, for this is what you wanted, and to punish them for your misgivings is just stifling their full potential.
Let your kid be a free-range kid. Let them discover all of Applebee’s.
Study your child to see what they will become
Using the study of their handwriting, their star chart, fortune telling, and scatology, you can find the very destiny of your child. This way, if you know they will be a star NBA player, you can get that ball in their tiny hands sooner rather than too late. A child’s future should be decided before they even darken the door of a classroom—every move they make needs to lead to that future that you have set out for them.
If a clear destiny isn’t found, experiment with everything a person can do day after day until your kid connects to something. Don’t let the kid change their mind about it either. Stick with it, or lose all hope. Kids with too many interests end up as baristas.
Don’t forget to keep the child from being too special
Some parents tell their little ones they are unique and they should follow their dreams, but as we found out ourselves growing up, this makes entering adulthood like falling into below-freezing water with weights on, and that only the rich get to follow their passions. The art world isn’t filled with the most talented, just those who were protected from what the rest of us have to do to pay rent and feed ourselves. Help those kids understand that they are insignificant parts of a much greater creation, and that we need professionals like insurance underwriters and data entry clerks, not just another painter or musician.
Get divorced and have your child live with the parent they want to live with less.
Kids need to learn not to need sleep
Kids sleep too much when they could be learning a dead language and/or the harpsichord. You can train your kid to sleep 5 hours or less a night, supplemented by a 10-minute afternoon nap. Life is too short dreaming about puppies and kittens for 8 hours. Dreaming is just a way for them to escape their destined lives, and until we have the technology to tell a child what to dream, we should be keeping them from dreams as much as possible.
Don’t let them have a bed.
Homeopathic medicine
You don’t ever have to go to the hospital to treat your kids’ sicknesses and injuries. There are plants in your garden already that can solve a lot of problems. Ginger cures cancer! Kale will help the painful appendix to settle down! Apples will take away the utter isolation and deep-down loneliness of being a weird kid at school!
Be sure to add a little prayer to your medical attention.
Follow these guidelines, and you will have a perfect kid.