Meditation for August 14th, 2016
How to Parent
You have kids. They need you to parent them. Without you they will just die. Our babies need constant protection and care longer than any other animal on earth. Kids are useless until they are about 7, and then the government says they can’t get jobs.
Here at the David Everett Fisher Education Center under the Eliot glacier on Mt. Hood we have discovered how to raise a perfect child.
Don’t vaccinate your child.
Vaccination is the leading cause of autism, leukemia, meningitis, sever acne and warts. There has been barely any cases of small pox and polio in a hundred years, so it’s time to move on from the pharmaceutical companies telling us how to parent.
Just keep your child very clean with bleach and alcohol wipes.
Recover their birth memories – or even further back
When a kid gets to a certain age, they mask their feelings and PTSD from birth by suppressing their birth memories. Help your child remember coming out of that flesh cave full of warmth and comfort and into the cold harsh world.
You might need a special doctor for this like a hypnotist or chiropractor.
Don’t give your kids any punishments
There is no such thing as negative actions. Let your child act like it wants to. Punishing a kid for being unsafe or being rude to others is taking away the child’s creativity and open mindedness.
Let your kid be a free-range kid. Let them discover all of Applebee’s.
Study your child to see what they will become
Using the study of their handwriting, their star chart, fortune telling and scatology, you can find the very destiny of your child. This way if you know they will be a star NBA player, you can get that ball in their tiny hands sooner rather than later.
If a clear destiny doesn’t get found, experiment with everything a person can do day after day until your kid connects to something. Don’t let the kid change their mind about it either. Stick with it, or lose all hope. Kids with too many interests end up baristas.
You are special, do what you are passionate about
Teach your kid that they are passionate about whatever you found in your destiny search. It’s important to tell them they can do anything they put their hearts into. Everyone on this planet should do what they love, so help your kid know that they are very special and that they get whatever they want.
Get divorced and have your child live with the parent they wante to live with less.
Kids need to learn to not need sleep
Kids sleep too much when they could be learning a dead language and/or the harpsichord. You can train your kid to only sleep 5 hours or less a night with a 10 minute nap in the afternoon. Life is too short dreaming about puppies and kittens for 8 hours.
Don’t let them have a bed.
Homeopathic medicine
You don’t ever have to go to the hospital to treat your kids sicknesses and injuries. Their are plants in your garden already that can solve a lot of problems. Ginger cures cancer! Kale will help the painful appendix to settle down! Apples will take away the utter isolation and deep down lonliness of being a weird kid at school!
Be sure to add a little prayer to your medical attention.
Follow these guidelines, and you will have a perfect kid.