Meditation for March 24th
Sharing Our Feelings
When someone says or does something that hurts our feelings, the best way to respond is to share our feelings and be heard. You say something like, “When you ____________________, I feel ____________________.” The person then does with that information what they have spoken about. Sharing feelings is scary, but when we do, we get to strengthen ourselves and not act out on those feelings. We have a right to our own feelings.
Sharing your feelings is also manipulation; feelings are shared so the person will change. If you say, “When you ______________________, I feel __________________________.” That person has every right to say, “That’s nice, but I don’t care.” That person has decided not to change anything. If they had, your feelings were the reason they were manipulated. Is it fair that your feelings mean more to you than the other person’s?
In successful communication, we use four levels to manipulate what we want. We observe what the other person is saying or doing that is causing us to react. We then experience feelings, which affect us in response to the person’s actions. We then state our needs and then request it. This way, you know what the feeling is and what you want. If they deny, you are an asshole, and you are a helpless victim.
The others may have some feelings of their own. This may cause what is known as a fight, because it comes down to who has been hurt the most and who deserves the requests more. Someone will ultimately have to surrender and compromise. These feelings are not the same; one person’s feelings are not worth the same as another person’s. If they’re able to get their feet in the door, acknowledged, and their request met, does that mean the feeling goes away?
What about the shy person? That person will be unable to request what they want from you, let alone express feelings. It is one thing to be able to say hello and goodbye, but to act in intimacy with someone who is bordering on a confrontation? No, the person has to sigh, clench their jaw, and be pissed. Sharing feelings is only for the extroverted, so the extrovert is the master manipulator.
Sharing feelings is the perfect tool for manipulation to get what you want. When someone tries this on you, acknowledge the feeling, but ignore the request. What can that person do? You acknowledged the feeling, but maybe you have a feeling that prevents you from acting on the suggestion.
Stop being a manipulative therapeutic crybaby.
Prayer
God of Sensitive Feelers and Sensitive Gums,
I beseech you to help me,
People are hurting me,
By saying things,
It makes me so mad,
But I don’t know if I can tell them I’m mad.
One person was fifteen minutes late meeting me.
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATE!
This means they have no respect for me as a person.
They showed up smiling,
And made a short, smug apology,
But I felt slighted!
This other person posted an attack on a comment I made on a political post another friend of mine made on Facebook.
All I said was how many delegates a candidate has,
And this person proved me wrong!
I HAD BEEN DUPED BY A FALSE STAT ON THE INTERNET,
AGAIN, THIS PERSON HAD THE GALL TO PROVE ME WRONG!
I was very hurt.
This other person said hi,
But nothing else at a social gathering last night.
I tried to get this person’s attention,
To see if there was something wrong,
To see if there was something I did,
Or something I had said,
But I couldn’t get the person to the side to ask,
And before you know it, the person leaves without saying goodbye.
Rude!
If a person has something to say,
Say it to my face!
don’t just say hi,
And don’t ask me how I’m doing,
Or ask me about my cancer!
WHAT DID I DO, CARL?
WHAT!
DID!
I!
DO!?!
Carl?
C-c-c-carl?
Amen.
Craft
Here are some letter templates you can use when needing to send a note about your feelings instead of saying it in person. I got you, shy guy!
Dear ______________________,
How are you doing today? I am fine. I hope your wedding was great.
Actually, I’m not fine. I was at your wedding this weekend, and though I saw you all weekend, you weren’t all that talkative with me. You keep going person to person, pretending to have long conversations with them to get away from me.
I wondered if I was perhaps invited to your wedding by mistake. Maybe you saw me and thought I wasn’t supposed to be there. You turned to your then fiancé and said, “Why is this person here? I don’t even like that person.”
I guess you really didn’t want me a part of your special weekend. I had to eat thrice as many pieces of cake to swallow my feelings.
Please respond at your earliest convenience about why you didn’t hang out with me all that much at your wedding.
Yours,
___________________________
P.S. The cake was bomb!
Dearest ___________________________,
You have slighted me for the last time! This means we must have a confrontation! You and one witness are invited to meet me on the back grounds of the Pittock Mansion at three pm tomorrow afternoon.
We will be back-to-back and taking 10 paces outwards, then turning and firing.
Yes, this is a duel.
I’m also open to knives or hatchets. I’m a hatchet man myself, but the pistol is a gentleman’s weapon.
Sincerely yours,
____________________________
To my great Aunt by marriage _________________________,
Five dollars? It’s my birthday, and you sent me $5? What am I? An eight-year-old boy trying to spend all his money on candy? No! I am a struggling young adult trying to be responsible, eating, working, and enjoying at the same time, still enjoying the pleasures of youth, and buying records, comic books, and video games.
Five dollars is not going to cut it. I know that I have never written a thank-you note except for that one. My mom got really impatient with me about it and made me write it right in front of her – when I was 36 years old – but five dollars is late-seventies to early-eighties money. We’ve got a recession on!
Please, I know you live in some town I can’t spell in Pennsylvania, and I haven’t seen you since my brother was born in 1980, but come on! Let’s see some twenties!
K.
Love you.
XOXO
_________________________________
Goal
No matter how hard or how easy it is to stand up for yourself, you are being manipulative and selfish when you share your feelings. If you get your way, then the other person does not. Think next time your feelings are hurt. Is it really important to share your feelings? Is it a lesson for you to learn? Is it really that important? Is it a lesson to thicken your skin? The point is, feelings are felt, but acting on them is your decision. Requiring someone to change their behavior is asking a lot of the universe and also something you don’t deserve.
Here are some tissues.