On January 11, 2016, I began a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day, called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to hold myself accountable. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for July 18th
Superblog About Superfood
Some foods offer us more benefits than others. They contain nutrients and other positive elements for our physical well-being. Physical well-being is an excellent foundation for a spiritual life. Shitty physical health means you aren’t trying at all.
What are superfoods? What do they do? Well, here at the David Everett Fisher Holistic Test Kitchens, we have taken all the popular superfoods and tested them on non-hippies to see if there is any truth to these claims. The kitchen is a black site and operates under the control of a foreign government, so Geneva Convention rules on enhanced interrogations and food testing do not apply here.
Greek Yoghurt: With more protein than its thin, watery American cousin, Greek yoghurt can help create a strong immune system. Lather your condoms with it to help fight STDs. This also helps with stomach health, so if you do eat two pints of ice cream while watching Netflix original series, you can eat some of this yogurt and reclaim your digestive tract.
Quinoa: Because these are dried eel eggs, quinoa is a great grain substitute that is gluten-free and has all nine essential amino acids. Amino acids are what make you swole. This is what you’d eat if you’d hit the gym, weakling.
Blueberries: These little blue balls will cure cancer. I ate a lot of blueberries growing up, and I only got a little bit of cancer. I still have most of my body. I should have eaten more. I did not eat enough blueberries.
Kale: These are a great source of all the things your body needs to practice intense yoga and extreme trail running, but only if it is in chip form. The spicier the better.
Chia: These little seeds not only help Homer Simpson have hair, but also fill your tummy with yummy fatty acids, magnesium, iron, calcium, and potassium. Just don’t shake too much afterwards, for that combination of minerals forms a 50,000 megaton bomb. That is enough to make a crater the size of three King Domes.
Oatmeal: Eat this every morning with one cup of mushroom tea, and you will be regular. You will shit at the same time every day. They will begin setting clocks to your bowel movements. They will come up with different zodiacs for the stages of your pooping calendar.
Green Tea: Another cure for cancer that the evil pharmaceutical companies don’t want you to know, green tea will shrink a cancerous tumor quicker than a toke of marijuana. Some say that we were all mortal until a few drank too much green tea. Now those walk the earth immortal, watching as man rises and falls, never to know true mortal love, as they watch those they care about wither and die, and man is only temporary, while they see the universe in its slow, silent rotation. They then come to a time called the quickening, where they can gather more power by beheading another green tea fanatic. There can only be one.
Broccoli: Not only does broccoli have cancer-fighting mojo in it, but it also helps heart health. If someone is having a heart attack or a seizure, stick a stalk of broccoli into the victim’s mouth. They will then live. If you don’t, you become a murderer.
Strawberries: When studies showed that antioxidants did things by seeing that it didn’t do the opposite, strawberries were great, but now studies show that antioxidants don’t do anything. Don’t eat strawberries.
Salmon: Another great heart food. Ancient Native American tribes along the Pacific coast would perform heart transplants using salmon. Those who did the transplant found themselves beating themselves up trying to get home to have sex. Then they die, but not from heart issues.
Watermelon: Rub a watermelon all over your body, and you will be protected from those nasty UV waves that the sun sends to Earth to kill people who live in inhospitable areas, such as the Arabian Peninsula, the Gobi Desert, and Los Angeles. Wear the shell like a helmet, and you will never have an aneurysm.
Spinach: Banned in most countries and sports leagues as an enhancement drug. Those who use spinach have been observed developing more pronounced muscles, almost like a silverback gorilla protecting its known females, and experiencing throat issues. Stay away.
Pistachios: Who cares what it does? The Italians love them, so we love them.
Eggs: We were unable to determine which animal’s eggs people were referring to when discussing eggs, so we were unable to identify any health benefits associated with eggs. It turns out that people aren’t formed from eggs that the mother sits on for nine months.
Almonds: 90% of almonds are packed full of nutrients, proteins, and essential acids, while 10% store a murderous rage that burns so hot, the very sun trembles in fear.
Ginger: Cures everything. I mean everything. Cancer, HIV, AIDS, Zika, OCD, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, Mania, and also helps colds to go back in time and try to kill Hitler. So far, so not so good.
Beets: Makes your butt bleed when you poop. Stay away.
Beans: Rats who eat beans have less cancer than rats who don’t eat beans. These rats are caged rats that hang out inside of laboratories, so what wild rats eat is anyone’s guess. Beans? Maybe. Only God of the Bible knows that mystery.
Pumpkin: Eating pumpkin regularly will cure you of any alcoholism or addiction problem you have. It is full of beta-carotene. These monster faces are also suitable for eye health. You will start to see color like a dolphin.
Apples: You like apples? Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples? Apples are made entirely of fiber but are still gluten-free. Apples are great for heart health and can help manage diabetes. William Tell never had diabetes.
Cranberries: Eat a bowl of these every day, and you won’t ever have to brush your teeth or floss again. Also, you won’t ever have cancer either. These little guys cure it.
Garlic: Eating this might make you unattractive, but you will be a healthy god/goddess. Garlic cures anything that ails you. If you have a yeast infection, insert a clove and that infection will be gone in four hours or less. If you want to make sure you have good prostate health, enter two to four cloves and hold for 48 hours.
Cauliflower: This is a natural estrogen grower, so if you are a man and you want to be a woman, eat lots of cauliflower, or if you’re a woman who wants to be more into crafts and cooking, eat more cauliflower. Cauliflower also helps prevent the formation of genital cancers.
Leeks: Leeks are the most potent of the cancer-killing superfoods. Leeks have been known to bring people who have died of cancer ten years ago back to life. Leeks are the preferred treatment over chemo. Eat these every day.
Lentils: This is great for vegans who are turning into anemics and or vampires. This will help keep the thirst for blood at bay. Lentils are also a superfood to help anyone avoid dying from alcohol withdrawal.